[Ikki can only properly relax in a volcano, it's the only place where he will manage to get all his defenses down, because normally no one would go there. And even if someone did they would be either an ally or an enemy and even them would be affected by it negatively while he was enhanced. Ever since he arrived to this world, he has only been able to relax once, the rest of the time, the majority of it, he's tense.
The island makes it worse. Not just his mind, his own body rejects this place. He has never felt so tense, every muscle in his being is at the edge of snapping, ready to explode, ready to start a chain of destruction even if he chose to not use his Cosmo. And it hurts, it hurts to be so tense, mentally and physically, it drives him up the wall even more than he is already and there's nothing he can do about it.
He had thought he couldn't get even more tense than he was without his body just breaking due the tension.
Marco proves him wrong and while he listens in silence and with attention, he can feel his body tensing even more. He starts to boil, he wants to explode so much, he wants to destroy everything and everyone. His previous meeting with Selphie replays on his mind and he's just so close to snapping and going to find her and break her head. But he doesn't want to do that, he would die before that, because no matter what she's a crewmate and he will protect her. If he could go back to the past... Maybe he would do it, or at least stop himself from giving in. He shouldn't have. Marco had the best intentions, but he had been wrong, so wrong, not even sending him to talk with her first had helped on that day. And then even when he gave in again, even when he made himself feel like a whore or a puppet for doing so... She had gone off to chase after Aya and then...
He shakes his head, chasing away the thoughts. There's no point to think about that. It only makes him boil more, it only makes him hate her more. Part of him wants to tell Marco to give up on that woman, to ignore it and move on. Phoenixes don't do well with other people, they always get burned and destroyed. No one is strong enough, no one can understand, not even with two phoenixes trying to explain it. There's nothing Marco can do that will keep her from getting hurt, from getting him hurt and to hate himself. And when everything is over, when all there's left are just ashes, he won't even have good memories to refuge in, because there won't be any "good times". There weren't with Selphie, the "good times" they had were before he gave in. And even they were too few.
He doesn't want Marco to be hurt, he doesn't want Marco to hurt someone else. He doesn't want Marco to hate himself more than he does.
He really doesn't get why Marco insists on playing. It wasn't just that there were high risks, there was just no gain, even if he managed to somehow avoid all the risks, what would come from it? Even if it managed to work out between him and that woman... What would that mean? What would that change? It would only last for as long as they are in this world, and if they never get to return... She will eventually wither and die. What will be of Marco then? What will be of Marco when the last of his brothers die even back in his world? When so much time has passed that the name of "Whitebeard" won't be more than just a legend? A story told to scare the childrens or to inspire them depending on who tells it?
Why insist on being close to people when he knows that at the end even if he wins all the hands in the game, all that there is is him sitting alone in a table, playing by himself?
And at the same time another part wants to tell him to give it a try, say that it's fine, that just because it didn't work for him it doesn't mean anything. That maybe Marco's woman will be different, will be better than Selphie. To go and tell that woman exactly what he's telling him, to ask her to put him in place if she feels he's being too much, to hand her a fire extinguisher to use before she gets burned so it can work out for a while and leave without wounds once it's over. But it's the same part that told him that it was fine to give in to Selphie, to give her a chance. And it had been wrong.]
I don't...
[His voice is strangled, he struggles to get it out because it's too much. He doesn't want to talk, he wants to scream, yell in agony, anger and hate, make the whole island be swallowed in a tornado of fire. But he can't do that and he has to speak, Marco waits for an answer, for something. So he battles himself to get the words across.]
I don't think that's asking for too much. You know you can hurt her so you want to try to make it better, so that it never happens or that if it happens she will be somehow protected. So it won't be that bad.
I don't think that's strange or weird to ask her to do that. To not crumble and cry if it gets bad but to fight back before she wants to do that. No matter how strong or confident she feels, I think she should be able to do that if she's really interested. If she really wants to play this game.
[Assuming that she really wants to, that she's not fooling herself and creating this mental image of Marco that she expects he will adhere to. That she can see what she's getting into instead of thinking that this is like one of those romantic novels, that behind that exterior there's something else, that the warnings are just a way to act tough and hide the truth. That she can go and reach for the fire and that it will be just a painting that she can rip to get inside.]
But I don't get it.
Why do you insist on playing this game. No matter how good your hand is, or how well you think you can bluff your way through... The stakes are too high, the risks are too many and all for what? There's nothing to gain. You won't get anything no matter how long you stay on it, or how many rounds you win.
I don't get it.
You can say that being with people makes it better all you want, you can repeat what your father said all you want. You can go around claiming as brothers anyone you want, you could go and make every living being in the world your family and it wouldn't change the fact that we'll gain nothing for playing this shit. At the end of it, everyone gets hurt, everyone is burned by our flames or gets swallowed up whole by the world.
At the end of it all, even if you win all the hands, even if it works out with that woman, even if your brothers can be free and have full happiness here... At the end, it will still be just you. Everyone will leave. Even if you go and grab new people, even if you drag them to play the game with you, sooner or later it's just you sitting alone in that table playing by yourself. And you will have nothing to prove that there was ever someone there playing with you. So why do you insist? Why did you say that it was okay?
I want you to try, but I can't believe that it will ever be fine or okay. It's not okay, it's never okay. And I can't see why it's worth it. We're going to end all alone and there's nothing we can do to change it, so why bother with people? Do you really think that you can make it so that you won't end empty and hurting inside when it's all over?
no subject
The island makes it worse. Not just his mind, his own body rejects this place. He has never felt so tense, every muscle in his being is at the edge of snapping, ready to explode, ready to start a chain of destruction even if he chose to not use his Cosmo. And it hurts, it hurts to be so tense, mentally and physically, it drives him up the wall even more than he is already and there's nothing he can do about it.
He had thought he couldn't get even more tense than he was without his body just breaking due the tension.
Marco proves him wrong and while he listens in silence and with attention, he can feel his body tensing even more. He starts to boil, he wants to explode so much, he wants to destroy everything and everyone. His previous meeting with Selphie replays on his mind and he's just so close to snapping and going to find her and break her head. But he doesn't want to do that, he would die before that, because no matter what she's a crewmate and he will protect her. If he could go back to the past... Maybe he would do it, or at least stop himself from giving in. He shouldn't have. Marco had the best intentions, but he had been wrong, so wrong, not even sending him to talk with her first had helped on that day. And then even when he gave in again, even when he made himself feel like a whore or a puppet for doing so... She had gone off to chase after Aya and then...
He shakes his head, chasing away the thoughts. There's no point to think about that. It only makes him boil more, it only makes him hate her more. Part of him wants to tell Marco to give up on that woman, to ignore it and move on. Phoenixes don't do well with other people, they always get burned and destroyed. No one is strong enough, no one can understand, not even with two phoenixes trying to explain it. There's nothing Marco can do that will keep her from getting hurt, from getting him hurt and to hate himself. And when everything is over, when all there's left are just ashes, he won't even have good memories to refuge in, because there won't be any "good times". There weren't with Selphie, the "good times" they had were before he gave in. And even they were too few.
He doesn't want Marco to be hurt, he doesn't want Marco to hurt someone else. He doesn't want Marco to hate himself more than he does.
He really doesn't get why Marco insists on playing. It wasn't just that there were high risks, there was just no gain, even if he managed to somehow avoid all the risks, what would come from it? Even if it managed to work out between him and that woman... What would that mean? What would that change? It would only last for as long as they are in this world, and if they never get to return... She will eventually wither and die. What will be of Marco then? What will be of Marco when the last of his brothers die even back in his world? When so much time has passed that the name of "Whitebeard" won't be more than just a legend? A story told to scare the childrens or to inspire them depending on who tells it?
Why insist on being close to people when he knows that at the end even if he wins all the hands in the game, all that there is is him sitting alone in a table, playing by himself?
And at the same time another part wants to tell him to give it a try, say that it's fine, that just because it didn't work for him it doesn't mean anything. That maybe Marco's woman will be different, will be better than Selphie. To go and tell that woman exactly what he's telling him, to ask her to put him in place if she feels he's being too much, to hand her a fire extinguisher to use before she gets burned so it can work out for a while and leave without wounds once it's over. But it's the same part that told him that it was fine to give in to Selphie, to give her a chance. And it had been wrong.]
I don't...
[His voice is strangled, he struggles to get it out because it's too much. He doesn't want to talk, he wants to scream, yell in agony, anger and hate, make the whole island be swallowed in a tornado of fire. But he can't do that and he has to speak, Marco waits for an answer, for something. So he battles himself to get the words across.]
I don't think that's asking for too much. You know you can hurt her so you want to try to make it better, so that it never happens or that if it happens she will be somehow protected. So it won't be that bad.
I don't think that's strange or weird to ask her to do that. To not crumble and cry if it gets bad but to fight back before she wants to do that. No matter how strong or confident she feels, I think she should be able to do that if she's really interested. If she really wants to play this game.
[Assuming that she really wants to, that she's not fooling herself and creating this mental image of Marco that she expects he will adhere to. That she can see what she's getting into instead of thinking that this is like one of those romantic novels, that behind that exterior there's something else, that the warnings are just a way to act tough and hide the truth. That she can go and reach for the fire and that it will be just a painting that she can rip to get inside.]
But I don't get it.
Why do you insist on playing this game. No matter how good your hand is, or how well you think you can bluff your way through... The stakes are too high, the risks are too many and all for what? There's nothing to gain. You won't get anything no matter how long you stay on it, or how many rounds you win.
I don't get it.
You can say that being with people makes it better all you want, you can repeat what your father said all you want. You can go around claiming as brothers anyone you want, you could go and make every living being in the world your family and it wouldn't change the fact that we'll gain nothing for playing this shit. At the end of it, everyone gets hurt, everyone is burned by our flames or gets swallowed up whole by the world.
At the end of it all, even if you win all the hands, even if it works out with that woman, even if your brothers can be free and have full happiness here... At the end, it will still be just you. Everyone will leave. Even if you go and grab new people, even if you drag them to play the game with you, sooner or later it's just you sitting alone in that table playing by yourself. And you will have nothing to prove that there was ever someone there playing with you. So why do you insist? Why did you say that it was okay?
I want you to try, but I can't believe that it will ever be fine or okay. It's not okay, it's never okay. And I can't see why it's worth it. We're going to end all alone and there's nothing we can do to change it, so why bother with people? Do you really think that you can make it so that you won't end empty and hurting inside when it's all over?