high_seas | Now I lay me down not to sleep

Entry tags:

lea,
roxas

Now I lay me down not to sleep

Who: Lea and Roxas
Where: The Moon, their room
When: Later at night after this log.
What: Lea's conversation with Thatch has left him rattled and unable to sleep, which leaves Roxas an opening to continue this conversation.
Warnings: Possibly dark themes
Status: Closed

After he spoke to Thatch, Lea returned to the galley for a while, cleaning things that probably didn't need to be cleaned and checking things he'd already checked. It wasn't like it was helping him think or getting anything done, so eventually he gave up the ghost and went back to his room to try to sleep. He flopped face first onto his hammock and closed his eyes for what felt like an eternity, but sleep didn't seem to be on his side either. That was just the sort of luck he was having, after all.

Eventually, he gave up the ghost, rolled out of the hammock and lit a lamp, settling down in the corner next to Roxas' ever-growing pile of stuff. He fished out a deck of cards (no doubt a present from Ikki) and shuffled them idly. Maybe he could play solitaire or something. He probably remembered how.

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Roxas had been dreaming of warm sunshine, cool breeze, sand beneath his toes as he chased after Riku, turning to give Kairi and confidant grin and a wave before putting all focus into beating Riku in the footrace. The sun seemed to get incredibly bright for a moment and then he blinked a few times, staring instead at the ceiling above him. He rubbed sleep out of his eyes and rolled slowly onto his stomach, his arm dangling from the higher hammock.

"Hmmphrg." He slurred lazily before yawning and blinking a few times at Lea sitting there with a deck of cards.

"What're you doing Lea?"

"Nothin'. Go back to sleep."

Lea began to lay out the cards in a pyramid shape on the floor, seven at the base and working up. He didn't think he'd wake Roxas up, considering how deeply the kid could sleep sometimes, but he probably should have expected it. Ah well, he looked pretty out of it. Hopefully he'd go back to sleep and the questions wouldn't start.

There wasn't much of a chance for that. Roxas yawned again and dangled himself half off the hammock to reach his watch and glance at the time.

"It's late. How come you're not sleeping?"

"Not sleepy. If the light's keeping you up I can go back to the galley."

Lea didn't look up from his cards, just continued to pick up pairs and stack them to one side to give himself something to do to keep his hands busy. Maybe Roxas would get the hint and go back to sleep. As nonchalant as he was trying to be, however, it was hard for him to hide the agitation that was keeping him awake.

Roxas stared at him for a moment before sliding back onto the hammock properly, swinging his feet around and jumping from the top with a soft thud. He moved over next to Lea and sat down.

"You don't have to go to the galley, it's your room too."

He leaned back on his hands, just staring at him. "You're..." Something was off about his demeanor. "Upset?"

Lea smiled wryly. Roxas was getting too good at reading him. He wasn't sure if he missed the days when he could show up at the clock tower with ice cream and not get questioned about a thing he was feeling or, well, not feeling, or if things were better off this way. He was in for another lecture if he didn't spill and he knew it.

"Yeah, maybe."

He was getting better at guessing people's emotions in general, but it wasn't always easy for him. He sat there quietly for a moment, fidgeting with his shirt a little.

"What's wrong?"

Lea picked up another pair of cards and set them aside before answering. It wasn't something Roxas was going to understand right away, even if he explained it. For that matter, it might not even be something Roxas would agree with. Some of the things he said took Lea by surprise, after all. Once Roxas had started truly thinking for himself, it had started turning up opinions Lea probably wouldn't have predicted if he'd taken the time to think about the matter at all.

"This ball thing you're mad about. Now I'm mad about it, too. May not be for the same reasons, but..." He looked at his cards, not really sure how to continue. Maybe it would be better to approach it from another angle.

"Hey. Listen. If something were to happen and I decided was gonna leave the Spades...you decide on your own what to do, okay?"

If Roxas looked sleepy a moment ago, the sharp turn in direction completely erased that.

"What are you talking about, leaving the Spades? What kind of a thing is that to say? Decide on my own? Decide what?" Roxas frowned at him.

"What happened? Why are you mad about the ball?"

"Hey, hey, one question at a time," Lea waved a hand a bit frantically, "You know what you talked about with Marco, right? Those plans he had? Looks like there's a reason he wasn't listening to suggestions. Thatch called me in to talk about his end of it."

His mouth was still open and the breath was there to continue, but he snapped it shut instead and scowled down at the cards. He was still angry about it. Angry at himself for putting so much trust in someone who really hadn't earned it and angry at Thatch for the kind of person he'd revealed himself to be.

Roxas crossed his arms, frowning a little. "There's more." He actually doesn't sound that surprised, after all there always seemed to be something hiding.

"What is it?"

"I just screwed up, that's all. As usual. And now I gotta figure out what to do about it."

He told Thatch that he'd wait and hear Ace out when he spoke to the crew about the whole plan, but he had no idea what he'd do after that. If he left, where would he go? If he stayed, what would things be like for him now that it seemed that some (maybe all) of the mutual trust between him and Thatch was lost? It seemed like Thatch wanted him to stay, but was that what he wanted? He'd spent the whole evening thinking about it and he was no closer to an answer now than when he'd started.

"That isn't what I meant." Roxas murmured, but he let it drop for a moment.

"How did you screw something up? I mean...I don't really get what's going on. You're being really..." He waved his hand a little. What was the word he wanted?

"You're only telling me bits and pieces."

"Evasive. The word you want is "evasive." And I am, I know. Sorry." Lea gathered up the cards, shoved them back in their box and tossed them back on Roxas' pile of stuff. It wasn't even that he didn't want to talk to Roxas about it this time. Usually, when he brushed him off like this it was to keep him from asking questions Lea didn't want him to hear the answer to. In this case, Lea couldn't get his own thoughts in order no matter how much he wanted to. It was easier to just not talk about them at all. Too bad Roxas wasn't going to settle for that.

Lea stretched his legs out and leaned back against the wall, folding his arms behind his head and looking up at the ceiling as if the answer would be up there somehow.

"There are things Thatch and Marco want to do at the ball that I don't agree with. Not like 'hey, that's not cool so let's not' not agree with. More like 'that's not who I am and I don't like that it's who you are' not agree with. I've been in this place before and it...kinda went the same way. Only this time I can get out of it, can actually LEAVE if I want, so I'm thinking maybe I'll have to. Maybe I'm gonna need to if I want to..." Want to what? Stay the person he wanted to be, he guessed.

He was quiet for a spell as he gathered his own thoughts. Things Marco and Thatch wanted to do, but not something Lea did and it was serious enough not to tell him. "They're not just doing recon then." He murmured softly.

Maybe Lea didn't have to spell it out since he didn't seem to want to go into too much detail. He looked at Lea as he thought, resting his chin on the palm of his hand.

"You're confused." Roxas nodded a bit. "Something like that. So you're not stuck here and you can leave. Do you want to?"

The answer to that came surprisingly easily.

"No, I don't want to. I want this to be somewhere I can stay, but I don't know if it is. I told Thatch I'd listen to what Ace has to say about it, but..." He made a face and shrugged. Ace was Ace. He wasn't expecting much.

"You don't have to leave if I do. I know you have friends here." That one of them was Marco really wasn't sitting well with him right now, but it was Roxas' choice to make.

"Lea, if you think of leaving me behind I will hunt you down and make you sorry." Roxas stared at him with a serious look.

He exhaled and moved on from that. "Well, if you want it to be somewhere you can stay, maybe we can make it that way. I don't know everything, but I think you should do what you want. Isn't that what you told me to do?"

He paused a moment, before resting his head against the wall, squishing down some of his hair in the process. "You know what I think? I think this thing sounded a lot like work. Not the kind of work we do around here, but you know what I mean? It's kind of along that line but they're not used to that kind of thing and it sounded kind of messy and stupid. I think a lot of people here probably don't want this to turn into the Organization. People seem pretty nice. The Nobodies weren't very nice at all."

He was getting sidetracked a little and he shook his head at himself. "You should do what you want Lea. It's really peaceful like this. I kind of wondered if something would come up, only for me at least, I don't think they trust me with much."

He pressed his lips into a thin line. "If I even thought for a moment they were going to eliminate me I would run. Is this the kind of thing that's going to get you into trouble like that Lea?"

"No, not like that. I can leave whenever I want. Thatch said so and I believe him." Lea reached out and fluffed Roxas' hair back up a bit. "But you're right. It does sound like work and that's the problem. I think...sorta...I wanted it to be that way. I looked for things that would make it that way and that was stupid of me, because it's not like it was even a good idea the first time."

As much as he hated to admit it, even with Roxas beside him, there was an empty space in his heart where another friend should have been. Unconsciously, he'd tried to fill that space with Thatch and, well, maybe that was too appropriate a choice, considering.

"Do you really want to do more stuff like that?" Roxas asked softly. "Going out on missions, being the one that everyone's going to hate later? Because you know you don't have to do that, right?"

"I know." But he didn't realize how badly he needed to hear it until Roxas said it. It was one thing being told that he could "be free" or whatever, but it meant a thousand times more coming from someone who understood what it meant to be part of the Organization, as superficial as Roxas' understanding was.

"That's why I told him I wouldn't do it. There are some things even I won't do, believe it or not."

Roxas nodded a little bit and sighed, stifling a yawn. "I don't want you to be in that place again. I don't want you to get stuck somewhere, but, if you want to I'm coming with you."

He was deadly serious. "Lea, I mean it when I say I want to stay with you. All of it and everything. So you don't have to be alone because..."

He trailed off and looked at the ground. "When I thought you were dead, my chest hurt and I was really really lonely. I mean, after I woke up. I didn't feel any of that while I was sleeping but after that. I felt lonely without you. You should have told me, I could help you, Lea."

He'd called Roxas "someone I love" so easily when he was talking to Thatch, but saying it to Roxas was something else entirely. Instead, he just shifted closer and leaned down to look him in the eye. Which looked slightly bleary, now that he was close enough to see.

"I got it." He tapped his forehead, a familiar gesture he hadn't really made much use of lately. Then he tapped Roxas' forehead in turn.

"You sure you don't want to go back to sleep?"

"No, I'm okay."

Roxas said, rubbing his forehead on instinct before looking at him seriously. "You better get it, because I can show you how serious I am if I have to."

He poked Lea's chest in return. "Are you going to sleep?"

Lea sighed and drooped a little. Things where a little more settled in his head now, but he was still way too worked up to sleep.

"Not sleepy. You don't have to stay up for my sake, though."

"You still look sad." Roxas murmured, shaking his head. That wasn't right, because Lea shouldn't look that way. He didn't want him to look that way.

He moved a little, shifting so he could wrap his arms around Lea's torso, resting his head on his shoulder.

"I wish I knew how to help you. Sorry." He paused. "But if you know what I can do for you, I will."

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Now I lay me down not to sleep

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