Idiot-proofed

( A )

[One would think an island filled with nothing but cute, soft, cuddly animals is the last place on the planet where Ragna the Bloodedge, the legendary SS-class criminal with the highest bounty in the history of his world on his head, known as the "Grim Reaper", wielder of the powerful Azure Grimoire and the destined Destroyer of the World, would want to visit. They couldn't be more wrong.

After all, this is a Mofu Mofu Paradise.

Heaven only knows how long he's been at it; might as well have been hours by now. At first, he was actually making sure there's no one around to see him before plunging into petting fluffy little bunnies, kittens, pandas and what have you, but at this point, he's long since stopped paying attention to his surroundings. You can't really blame him for that, considering he currently has his face buried in the fur of a Hype Dog reminiscence.

At least he seems to be genuinely enjoying himself here?]

( B )

[This island might as well have been one of Ragna's favorite places so far. Past tense. Everything was fine and dandy until he leaned against a random tree and it hugged him in return, freaking him out. And then it happened again. And again. There's only so many hug attempts from goddamn trees Ragna can handle before he snaps. Unfortunately, he was forced to leave Blood-Scythe back on the ship, which means he can't simply cut them down, but that's not to say he's completely unarmed. After all, he's still got his Soul Eater left. Obviously, this calls for...]

DEAD SPIKE!

[To his utmost surprise, instead of the beastly shadow that usually appears on his command, a much... cuter version of his Drive pops up, staring at him with its little eyes.

And Ragna just gapes.]

... You've gotta be shitting me.

( C )

[And the worst part is? It actually stayed this way. Ever since he first tried to use it, he's been followed by the adorable Dead Spike-san all the time. That itself isn't a problem, awkward as it is. The real trouble starts when the little beast sniffs out the food on the nearby table, causing its eyes to light up instantly. It catches one of the straps of the Grim Reaper's jacket in its teeth and tugs on it.]

Hm? You wanna go somewhere? Wait... What are you trying to─

[Figuring it'll be faster to just go there instead of trying to get its point across to him, Dead Spike-san doesn't wait for him to finish and instead rushes over to the banquet table, pulling Ragna to the ground and dragging the poor screaming man behind it all the way. Thankfully the island being made of pillows means he won't get hurt. Maybe.

Congratulations, you're now getting to witness Eat Beat Dead Spike-san: Live Action.]

[When Ragna and his little friend finally make it to the table, it turns out they have an audience. Motochika is lounging around on the pillows, a plate piled high with food in front of them. When Ragna plows headfirst into the table, he snorts.]

Well, you've gone and done it now, haven't you? You've used the bitey thing so many times that you've broken it.

[Serves him right, really. Cheap dirty trick.]

[Ragna slowly pulls himself up from the wreckage, grumbling and working on plucking all the bits and pieces of food from his hair and clothes as he does. Once he's more or less done with that, he shoots Motochika a murderous glare. Of course he had to witness that. Just his luck.]

I didn't break anything! [It's true for once. Though if it wasn't for the pillows, he probably would've broken his neck once or twice on his way here.] This island did!

[Except Dead Spike-san doesn't really look broken. It's just happily chomping away on all the food it comes across in hopes it helps it get stronger. Either that or it's just really, really hungry.]

Is that so? Seems more agreeable like this, though.

[He tosses the thing a chunk of meat, just to be friendly. It's tried to maul him enough times that it couldn't hurt to make an attempt to get on its good side. If it has one.]

[Dead Spike-san catches the meat in its teeth, and then devours it whole in a single bite. Admittedly, Ragna is kind of impressed by the fact Motochika will even try to befriend what's basically a head of a beast (as adorable as it is at the moment), though that doesn't stop him from wincing at that comment.]

It's not supposed to be "agreeable", dammit!

[Nor this cute, for that matter. It's meant to be terrifying and deadly! And eat souls, not actual food. Instead, it trots over to Motochika and leans against his leg, apparently trying to be friendly in return. ... It also attempts to gnaw on him a bit, though thanks to the nature of the island, its teeth are just as soft as everything else here. Watching the scene unfold, Ragna lets out a sigh.]

... The hell should I do with this guy...?

Keep him happy, I suppose?

[Motochika pries Dead Spike-san off his leg and tosses it another piece of meat and scratches it on the head (Head? It's sort of all head.) after it finishes. Might as well be friendly. Maybe that will stop it from trying to rip him to shreds when Ragna hauls it out.]

Seems he's quite hungry. Maybe he'll calm down a bit after his belly is full.

[If it has a belly...]

[Ragna raises an eyebrow at the suggestion, then shakes his head. He wouldn't even know where to start.]

You're an expert on keeping pets happy, not me. 'Sides...

[He glances down at Dead Spike-san, who continues to gleefully chomp on everything it can find in the vicinity. Truth to be told, it looks content enough doing just that. It seems to appreciate Motochika's efforts, too, as it doesn't try to bite off his hand when he pets it. Which isn't to say it wouldn't maim him the moment Ragna told it to, sadly.]

I've never seen him so, uh... sentient before.

[Seeing his Soul Eater having its own free will is about as bizarre to Ragna as a kidney behaving the same would be to anyone else.]

Yes, well, at least he's in a good enough mood.

[Motochika squints over at where Dead Spike-san is cheerfully gnawing on a plate. It...doesn't seem the most discerning of creatures. It's reached the point where things like this have more or less become commonplace. At least everything seems harmless this time.]

I suppose it's some enchantment tied to the island. Everything will probably go back to normal once we leave. Probably.

[Ragna sighs again, flopping down on the pillows next to Motochika. It's true, there isn't much he can do about Dead Spike-san for the time being, save for making a face when the creature starts biting into the table itself. Resigned, he grabs a meat bun from the nearby pile of food. Might as well get something for himself before the dumb beast eats it all.]

It'd better... I don't want him stuck like that.

[He needs it for ~~extending combos~~ fighting and if he was to use it the way it is now, he could only hope to kill his opponents with laughter. Although he'd probably die of embarrassment in the process, too.]

I don't know, I rather like him this way.

[Relatively harmless and cute! Far superior, really. The fewer things on his boat that can kill him, the better.]

I don't know if we could keep him fed, though. That might be a bit of an issue.

[Motochika chews thoughtfully on a cookie as he considers that. Likely it would try to eat all the other animals and they can't have that. On the other hand, maybe they could train it...?]

I'm telling you that's not how he should be!

[It's only natural Motochika would prefer the version of the beast that isn't trying to murder him, but Ragna's still going to whine about it.

As for the problem of feeding the little monster, well.]

So it's basically like having Tao around is what you're saying.

[In other words, extremely dangerous to their provisions and and funds. Ragna just shakes his head, hoping it never comes to this.]

... If you want a cute pet to keep, why don't you get one of those fluffballs that are running all over this place?

[Now that's a new one. Ragna? Suggesting adopting another pet? Must be a cold day in hell. And before you ask, no, he has no ulterior motive that may or may not be related to the aforementioned fluffiness. Nope. None whatsoever. And don't you dare question it!]

[Motochika raises an eyebrow. Usually Ragna is the first to kick up a fuss when he considers adding to the menagerie. Well, if he has permission...]

I thought about picking up a few? Any preferences? Of course, it will have to be something we can catch, but I don't see that being all that difficult. Nothing here's much of a challenge, really.

[It's a nice break, but it's not like he'd want to live here. Not like Aeolipile. That's an island he could put down roots on.]

[In yet another shocking turn of events, Ragna's eyes light up when he's asked for an opinion. Idle permission would be one thing, but he seems genuinely enthusiastic about the idea, rare as it is.]

Ain't a problem! They're all pretty damn friendly anyway. The bunnies are really friggin' adorable, though that huge furball of a dog wasn't half bad, either...

[He grins like an idiot, hardly noticing he might have gotten carried away a little bit.]

[Motochika's not sure he's ever seen Ragna smile so genuinely when not under the influence of some weird curse or another. It's a more than welcome sight and it warms his heart to see it. So much so that he doesn't even make a dumb comment about it. As much as he likes teasing Ragna, it just seems wrong to do it when he seems so genuinely happy about something.]

Bunnies, eh? I suppose we could try keeping rabbits! I've never had a pet rabbit...

[The moments where Ragna actually enjoys himself are rare and far between, but even so, he doesn't really seem to realize of how remarkable others might find it. Self-awareness isn't always his strong suit, after all.

... "Rabbit", eh?

He leans back a bit, his smirk turning slightly mischievous.]

No? Well, lemme tell you some species are a real pain in the ass to deal with.

[In some other dimension, Rachel Alucard stretches her bat familiar to the point where the poor creature nearly snaps in half.]

Not the ones here, though. These seem pretty chill.

[And cuddly, which obviously is their most important feature. He may be pretty disappointed once they leave the island and the bunnies turn into stuffed animals.]

They do at that. What makes them difficult?

[Ever the responsible pet owner, Motochika figures he should get as much information as he can to file away for later. He may be completely reckless when it comes to a lot of things (most things, really), but he takes care when it comes to looking after animals. And people, really, all things said.]

Oh, y'know...

[Ragna cringes a little at the memory of Rachel's abuse. That's certainly one thing about his world he doesn't miss. Actually, now that he gives it some thought, he doesn't really miss his world, per se; he just has business to finish there, but his emotional attachment to it is at bare minimum, barring certain exceptions.

But that isn't important right now, so he dismisses the thought with a wave of a hand.]

They'll stalk you wherever you go, throw lightnings at you and bitch at you all the friggin' time, but when you actually ask 'em anything, they'll never give you a straight answer...

[He's not even trying to pretend he's still talking about pets here.]

...rabbits do?

[This is not something he ever knew about rabbits. As far as he knows, they don't talk, let alone throw lightning. He's not ruling it out as a possibility, mind you, considering the other things he accepts as perfectly normal, but he can't help but think it sounds a bit strange.]

[Seeing Motochika's surprise, Ragna can't help but chuckle a bit. Yes, that's Ragna making a sound that suggests amusement. The end is nigh.]

C'mon, I'm just messing with ya. Although... there is one "Rabbit" that does all of that.

[He makes a pause to nibble on a cookie thoughtfully before explaining himself:]

There's this girl back in my world... she wears ribbons that make her look sorta like a bunny. 'S why I call her that.

[This is by far the best mood he's ever seen Ragna in. He's actually talking about his own world! And laughing! It's almost impossible to believe. Maybe it's connected to why the stupid bitey thing is being more agreeable, too, but Motochika doesn't want to think too deeply about that. Best to enjoy it while it lasts.]

That makes a bit more sense! You had me worried there for a moment!

[He pats Ragna sympathetically on the shoulder.]

She sounds like quite the handful.

[It may not be easy to notice, but Ragna has been actually making some effort to act a bit more friendly lately (well, the tuna incident aside, but that's somewhat justified). Between that and spending a good few hours petting cute fluffy animals, this really might be the best mood he's been in since... about forever. To the point he doesn't even complain about Motochika touching him, only letting a small sigh in response.]

That she is. The evil, twisted, blood-thirsty lapin...

[He trails off, suddenly looking up to the sky as if he expects a bolt of lighting to hit him out of the blue sky, but no such thing happens.]

... Huh. Guess even she can't watch other worlds...

[Which is kind of hard to believe, to be honest. He's grown accustomed to the thought Rachel can do more or less anything she wants, no exceptions. Observer and all.]

[Motochika looks up, as if he's trying to figure out just what it is Ragna is looking for up there. Flying rabbit girls?]

Expect her to be around somewhere, do you? I understand that well. I know people come and go from this world, but I can't help but wonder if Sayaka isn't just hiding somewhere, biding her time...

[One day he's going to do something especially stupid and she'll appear out of nowhere to punch him in the head. He wouldn't put it past her.]

[─That's actually pretty much what he imagined he'd see, yes. Freaking Rabbit floating in the air and making fun of him in tandem with her stupid mascots. ... But she could also give them some advice among all the verbal abuse. Maybe.

Well, no use thinking about something that's impossible. Instead, Ragna looks back at Motochika, blinking in surprise.]

"Sayaka"? Who's that?

[If she didn't show up after he'd traded his wife for a tuna, it's probably safe to say that's not gonna happen.]

[Motochika jumps a little, startled. He really had intended to use the right name that time. Really. It just didn't come out. It never does. He looks over his shoulder just in case she's hiding out back there, just waiting. And disapproving.]

Er...Magoichi, that is...she was here briefly, if you'll remember. It was about when Mitsunari showed up, wasn't it? She didn't stay all that long, but I can't help but wonder sometimes...

[Especially whenever he accidentally calls her by name.]

Oh. That chick.

[Frankly, how he calls her makes little difference to Ragna, since his ability to memorize stuff like that is somewhat limited anyway. All he remembers about the woman in question is that she indeed seemed to judge everything and everyone, so Motochika's behavior is beginning to make sense.]

... She seemed like quite a pain, too.

[There's a certain amount of sympathy in his voice as he says that. What is it with those girls butting in and criticizing them when they do stupid things? Seriously.]

Quite literally.

[He rubs at the back of his head, like there's some phantom pain lingering from all the times she's punched him in the head in the past. For no reason! There's never a good reason, as far as he's concerned.]

There's not a drop of pity in her body, nor empathy, nor patience. Every tiny mistake I make earns me a blow to the head or an increase in her fees that even the richest man couldn't pay.

[He makes a face. That's the part that hurts more than the head punching. They're friends, aren't they? Why does she make him pay so much for things? Mercenaries...]

Merciless woman...

["No reason". Right. While Magoichi did look way too serious to hang out with Motochika, Ragna still finds it hard to believe those "mistakes" were as tiny as he claims.]

... You probably deserve it sometimes.

[Look, his sympathy has its limits, okay. Besides, he knows Motochika well enough to figure this must be warranted at least half of the time. He'd hit him on the head too.

He can agree with that last statement, though.]

Most of 'em are, yeah.

[It feels like nearly every woman he meets wants to get him killed, or at least tries to beat him up. Or is a pain in his ass in any other way. The ones (or one at this point) on this crew not being an exception.

... Though in all fairness, the same applies to men, too.]

I do not!

[As far as he's concerned, he never deserves it. Pretty much everyone else in the world would disagree with this, but Motochika has never been particularly tuned in to his own faults.]

It's totally unwarranted!

[It's not surprising in the slightest to hear him deny that, and Ragna actually finds that kinda funny, letting out an amused snort in response.]

Do too!

[With that, he leans in and flicks Motochika's forehead. He's an adult, honest.]

Don't you start!!

[Motochika is all ready to get mad about it until he realizes that Ragna is teasing him not trying to start a deathmatch as per usual. It's actually enough to take the wind out of his sails for a second and set him off laughing as well.]

I'm totally blameless, I tell you!

[Ragna can't help but roll his eyes at that, although he's not too annoyed. Hard to be when you saw that kind of reply coming.]

You sure 'bout that? I could probably name a thing or two...

[Don't make him bring up the tuna thing, Motochika. Or, well, most of the things they do here, really. For the sake of them both.]

No doubt you could...

[He's doomed to be surrounded by people who recognize his faults way too much. Oh, for the days when he sailed the sea surrounded only by men who spent their every waking hour telling him how amazing he is. He's been without that for more than a year and a half and he still misses it terribly. What man wouldn't?]

... Huh?

[Is... Is that Motochika practically admitting he has done something that would warrant a beating? And not for the first time in the past few weeks, either.]

Who are you and what have you done to the real Sea Devil?

[It's only half joke and half genuine concern, you know.]

I'm not saying it would be true in the slightest, I'm only saying you'd come up with something!!

[He's not that mature.]

[Okay, that's a relief─ no, wait, he takes it back. It's actually a little disappointing, as obvious as it should have been. Ragna gives Motochika a flat look, partially because he's accusing him of lying here and partially because he's being such a child.]

... Right. Par for the course. I mean, I can't say I didn't see this coming from a mile away, but I guess I was still hoping against hope...

[At least he can admit it when he's being an idiot.

Sometimes.]

Idiot-proofed

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