high_seas | All fun and games

"Did you even try? Did you try to call me? Not just hope, not pray as if there was a deity that would care about us!" The words come out with force, spatted rather than pronounced. Ikki closes his eyes for a moment, she's scared, tired and angry, he shouldn't be shouting at her, shouldn't be angry. It shouldn't matter... But it does. It crawls under his skin, the feeling of being helpless, again after so many years. Wanting to protect someone and being unable to, denied even the chance to try.

Selphie studies him warily, trying to search his face for the answer to that question. She's not sure what he wants to hear - that she did but that he missed it, or that she didn't so none of this was his fault. In the end, she just sighs and hugs her pillow closer, "I - I don't remember... Honestly, I don't remember..." It had been part of an experience she'd tried to block out, after all. But when she'd been shut in that cell alone, she had thought of him, if he'd noticed she'd gone, if he'd try to find her, or if the whole crew would be pleased without her.

Another groan, more frustrated than angry this time. He himself doesn't know what he wanted to hear, an excuse for having failed? A confirmation that it had been him? Would it have made a difference? No, he doesn't really care if she called or if he just missed it, at the end of it the result is the same. He failed her.

Ikki turns and takes a few steps towards the door, turns again to approach the bed, and soon he finds himself pacing around the room. Like a caged tiger. Again. Again. Years after it. He's stronger. Older. More experienced. And he still failed the same way. Selphie is safe, alive and back where she should be while in this world, but not thanks to him. Not thanks to anything he did. "Who was the one that found you?" Maybe he could learn from them, who knows.

Watching him pacing back and forward like that is dizzying, and she screws her eyes tightly shut, beginning to twist and pull the corners of the pillowcase, attempting to calm her nerves. "Ikki, please... Will you sit down?" She opens her eyes again, wide and frightened. Stll, she moved along her bunk to give him space to sit.

"Who found us?" Not 'me' like he'd asked, but 'us' to be the few of them that had been captured. "I don't know what happened...not exactly." She had been on her way to the gallows at that stage, but she doesn't mention that, not wanting to anger him any further. "I heard Ace's voice first, then he came and told me that the Doctor would take me to safety."

He pauses and shoots her a glare upon hearing her asking him to sit down. To sit down. "Sit down? What for?! Haven't I done that enough those days while you were taken away to be executed? You want me to sit down now?! I should still be there making sure that none of them are left alive!!" And he would do it. He would kill every one of them and right now, seeing her, talking with her, he really would just hunt them down even if they ran away, even if they begged for their lives. Part of his mind can't even understand why he's at the ship instead of there, painting with blood the clearest message that could be sent, even more than the one they had written already.

"The Doctor;" he repeats the words, and it takes him a moment to remember who that means, anger and hate clouding his mind. Figures it would be the intelligent guy the one to find her. To take care of her. Take care to safety, and what was Ikki doing meanwhile? He had found Kairi, which was good, but not what he had wanted. It wasn't Kairi the one he had promised to help. But worse than all that is the fact that if it was the Doctor then... "Then the guys who did this to you are still alive, right? He didn't kill them. He let them go." The previous night he had understood it, respected it even. But back then he had been hoping to be the one to find her, the one to tear the solder's heads away from their bodies, he hadn't even considered the possibility of them leaving alive.

It was becoming increasingly difficult for Selphie to hide just how upset he was making hef feel, and she bowed her head to rub her face into her pillow, wiping away at any traces of tears. She wouldn't let him see her cry. The pillow was gently put aside and Selphie slowly, delicately, moved herself from the bunk. When she stood, it revealed a fuller extent on her injuries - the finger bruises on her upper arms, her wrists where the raw skin wss tender ane still trying to heal, and the long deep scratches healing up on her inside leg. She stumbled forward towards him, arms outstretched, and determined to hold him still, if he wouldn't sit down.

When she finally got close to him, she had to lean against his arm, still not used to using her legs. "He killed no one on our way out, but there were...explosions. Maybe they killed them. Maybe you did, while you were rescuing, Kairi.."

""Maybe" is not enough;" his words are little over an angered whisper. He had killed many, he hadn't expected to but Kairi's aspect made him change his mind. And she wasn't as hurt as Selphie was, or at least not as wounded.

There's a scream, mixed with a groan as he punches a wall again, the ship as a whole makes creaking noises and the wall cracks under the punishment. It's definitively not enough. Screw the rescue, the escape, everything. He should just return there and kill whoever was left there, destroy every machine, every weapon, every trace of the Navy there.

But he doesn't. He shakes his head to himself, it takes all his will to not do it, to keep the murder intent at bay. It's almost as intense as what he felt for his own father, and just like that, he has to bury it deep down. Instead of leaving the ship as he wants, he turns towards her and wraps his arms around her body, carefully to not harm her more, to not irritate the healing spots, giving in to her previous petition... Or at least to what he thought she was asking for, walking towards him, arms outstretched, wasn't that the same as asking for a hug?

Again, she squealed and flinched when he punched the wall - she knows it isn't intended for her, but it reminds her of the violence she received on that ship. It frightens her enough that she trembles, becomes even more unstable on her feet. When he hugs her, that steadies her from falling, but the action is surprising. That hadn't been what she expected, but as she holds her arms around him she realises that it's exactly what she needed.

"This...this helps..." She mumbles gently, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. Selphie rests herself against him, but doesn't look up at him, wanting to keep hiding how upset she really is. "Ikki... I need you to not punch anymore walls.. That would..really help me, right now." As she hugs him back her hand seeks the one he'd punched the wall with, figuring it must hurt by now, and she brushes her fingers over his knuckles gently.

"I can't punch anything like this anyway," he could, actually, he could even fight while carrying her on his arms. It would be difficult, it would be annoying, but it would be doable. However, now isn't the time, and that last punch only served to confirm that it's of no use anyway, a piece of wood cracking doesn't feel as satisfactory as a skull bursting open under his hand. Next time he would directly go and kill more Navy soldiers, it would probably fix it faster.

He keeps his arms around her, but he shifts and moves, leading both of them towards her bed without breaking the hug. He then sits down and guides her to be sitting on his lap, still hugged and protected... Even if that is useless now and feels like a lie when it comes from him.

"Then maybe... you need a limpet to stop you punching stuff. There's no sense in sinking the ship." It was an attempt to lighten the mood, though her voice is still heavy and weary. She says nothing else as he guides her to sit down. Selphie curls up against him, cradled in his lap. She sighs with a tired stutter, then moves her arms around his neck to keep herself even closer. For a good few moments she just sits there enjoying the safety and comfort, "Feeling any better?"

"That's my line, woman;" no, he doesn't feel any better, he doesn't feel any less angry and he won't feel so later, or ever. But he doesn't say that, she doesn't need to know it. She doesn't need to know that from now on he will probably not leave any Navy soldier he comes across alive, even if they had nothing to do with this event. Because even if they weren't there, they could have been, they could be there in a future if it ever happened again. Because they wouldn't stop aiming at them. At her. And if he can't save her when it happens he will make sure that there's no one left alive to make it happen in the first place.

He sighs and pulls her closer, still careful with his touch as a hand moves to caress her hair, tucking her face between his shoulder and neck. He doesn't move besides that, doesn't show any signs of annoyance or boredom either. "It's you who needed medical care, after all."

Selphie attempts a small smile at his statement, but she searches his face for any sign that she's perhaps managed to calm him somehow. He had avoided her question, and she knewthat tactic too well. It just frustrated her that there was seemingly nothing she could so to make him feel any better. What kind of a friend was she, is she couldn't even provide some comfort for him?

"The medical stuff is the easiest..." Yes, she was healing, but she was still full of that niggling feeling that it had all been her fault, a soldier not able to look out for herself. Selphie relaxes into his hold, her breathing slowing as he caressed her hair. She closes her eyes and nuzzles her cheek against his neck. "The outside always heals quicker..." She had never been held so closely by anyone before, but it was soothing, comforting.

It has been years since he last held someone this way, years that feel like centuries, traces of a life stolen from him long ago. When it was just Shun and himself, when they believed that they had a future, or whatever orphans on the street could aspire to have. Ever since then, since he gave up on running and went to an orphanage with Shun only to be taken from there by Kido's men, he had not hold anyone else besides Esmeralda on her dying moments. Until he was dragged to this world and Selphie decided to barge in. Only to go and be in danger months later, and he had failed her, completely.

"The inside not so much, yeah, I know how that is;" far too well, in fact. And by his own experience those things never really healed, which only makes him feel even worse. Maybe he should lie, say that things will be okay, but he can't.

"But these things do get better. It just takes more time. But still, having you here .. it's making things better already. And, maybe you're still angry that you weren't there but, that you're here now, it helps..." She squeezes him slightly and opens her eyes to look up at him, wanting him to realise that this is important to her. And while she still thinks a lot of this was her fault, that she was the one who failed, his comfort is making the pain easier to bare. Bit as she continues to look at him, she doubts there's anything she can do to make him really understand that.

More time. What if the time they require is longer than one's lifetime? Because that's what he thinks at times, that his own wounds won't ever heal but instead be buried by time's passage, until he couldn't remember anything of them just as he can't remember his mother's face or the time spent with her as well as he should. Will Selphie's wounds take the same amount of time to heal?

"That's good to know," but it's hard to sound convinced, that just being there helps her. Even if it's true he doubts that it's better than having been there before to save her, to rescue her or just to protect her and avoid it all. "Just... Don't push yourself, take your time to recover, got it?"

Selphie was always known for bouncing back quickly. And usually she did. This time, though, was different. There was too much that had gone wrong this time. She'd nearly been killed, she'd dragged in other too, for the rescue. What if they'd been hurt too? If Ikki had been hurt because of her stupidity, she'd never be able to forgive herself. Wrapped up close to him, her thoughts drifted away from her, and it was a good few moments before she realised that he'd spoken.

"I'm not planning going anywhere... Not for a long time." She'd hide out in her room if necessary - she didn't want to face the rest of the crew - everyone knowing how weak she had been. "There's no worry that I'll be getting myself in any other fights. Not anymore. Not now."

"Is that really the attitude you should take? What would your clients say back in Balamb?" In a way it would be preferable, for her to just remain hidden, safe, but that wouldn't be her. A Selphie scared, terrified of the outside, ashamed to talk with others. That's now the Selphie he has come to know, neither is the one he wants to see around even if it would save him a lot of headaches and annoyances.

"There's a difference between taking your time to recover and hiding yourself forever, even if this is the first time you are taken prisoner by the enemy;" a first time that shouldn't have happened, that shouldn't repeat itself. But that's his burden, his part of the problem.

"They would think... They would think that I was a danger to everyone else and that I had to be kicked out. They'd say that it wasn't fair that I did that the rest of the crew. They wouldn't let me be a SeeD again." She bows her head against his neck, and drums her hands awkwardly on her knees. Risking the safety of the rest of the group was a crime that was punishable, and that's exactly what she'd done.

"...I couldn't fight them. That's my job. It's what I've been trained my whole life to do. And I couldn't do it. There's nothing - there's nothing left of me if I can't even protect myself... It's just...pathetic." Selphie sighs heavily, her body tensing slightly in his arms. That was really how she felt, just pathetic and useless. And by now, she's willing to bet that's what Ikki thinks too.

"Oh, so no SeeD has ever been captured and tortured before? Needed a rescue team? Have you really never have to rescue someone?" He understands her point, knows it well, but it's just not really applicable to the situation. She wasn't able to fight the enemy, but that didn't mean she had put herself in danger on purpose.

"Uh... Well... Yeah. And then, there was that time, that we were thrown into prison and had to escape... And we saved each other then but -" The recent memory that does come to the surface isn't one that she wanted to think about. The idea of rescuing, and saving, how it hadn't worked. And Trabia was destroyed.

"Yeah...there was once I had to rescue a whole place. The place I grew up. And I couldn't do it." She stops, because she doesn't know why she's saying this. But that's what she was reminded of, when he asked about having to rescue someone. That was one time when it was really important, and she was just too late. "But nevermind. That's not the point."

He moves, taking hold of her shoulders to push her away a bit to be able to look at her eyes. "That's exactly the point. You're a soldier, trained to succeed, but that doesn't always happen. There are a million of reasons why a soldier can fail, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that as long as you're not dead, a soldier has to stand up again and start again;" how many times had they been defeated? Fighting against foes far stronger than them, bleeding until there was only an inch of life left on them, and even then they kept fighting.

Selphie locks eyes with him, her own expression somewhat confused, a little sad, partly worried. But he's right, and she knows that he's right. The sadness gives way for a moment while she just feels like an idiot instead. Selphie opens her mouth and closes it again, realising that she had no idea what to say to that. To show her agreement, instead of nodding her head, she does something that she hadn't expected to do at all, and she's not really even sure where it comes from, but it happens. Swiftly, and quick enough that maybe it doesn't even happen, she leans closer and presses a light kiss to his cheek.

Ikki just blinks, frowning slightly at the unexpected reply, it was quick and brief, enough that he could think that he had imagined it... If it wasn't because he would never imagine something like that. He looks at her for a second before he sighs and pulls her close again, choosing to say nothing about it and act as if it hadn't happened.

"No matter how long it takes, you have to stand up again and keep trying. If you don't that's when you will become a burden and a failure;" even if it's his fault that it happened in the first place.

As soon as she sees that frown, Selphie knows that she did the wrong thing. It had happened quickly, and almost by mistake, but when it did she worried about what his reaction would be. But she makes a mental note that it should never be repeated, because it seemed to have an even worse effect than her hugs. So if he acted like it hadn't happened, then fine, it hadn't happened.

She sighs too, and hugs him back lightly. This time, she reacts in the way she should have done in the first place, and she nods her head, "You're right. I don't want to be a burden, or a failure."

"You're not, right now you're just a wounded crew member;" one they hope will recover and get better. At least he hopes so.

His hand returns to caress her hair as he holds her close. Does this really help? Has this help her feel better? Ikki doesn't know, it hadn't been his intention when he had entered the room... Actually he doesn't know what was his intention exactly, only that he felt angry, with her, with himself. The anger with her has passed, the anger with himself not so much and it probably won't ever leave, just like the rest of the reasons why he hates himself. As he holds her, he nests her face between his shoulder and his neck again, slightly turning his head towards her for a mere second, inhaling her scent, reminding himself that she's okay now, that she's safe and that he shouldn't go and take a boat to go back there and kill everyone left.

"You should rest now," he starts to shift, and it's hard to know if that kiss against her hair was real, an accident or just a figment of imagination.

All fun and games

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Dammit. Wrote tag for this on my phone then someone called me grumbles and tries again

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All fun and games

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Dammit. Wrote tag for this on my phone then someone called me *grumbles and tries again*

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Dammit. Wrote tag for this on my phone then someone called me grumbles and tries again