high_seas | Trial of the Spades

I told her! And after I did she got weird again and started the koala thing, but really all I told her was to sleep with Ace. Sleep, not to do any of that. What kind of person gets that idea from that?

[Any normal person, Ikki.

He is still frowning and shifts uncomfortably, picking up again what Marco said before.]

You say that, but I heard it, when my mother brought that man with her and sent me early to body, barely paying attention to me, too caught into having him back. I heard it, and I saw what it did to my mother the next morning when he left as if nothing happened to never return. She wasn't raped, she wanted it, she brought him to our home and to her bed! And he used her, dirtied and sullied her and when he left the next day all that was left was a shadow of what she used to be! He stole even her sanity from her! And you pretend me to believe that sex isn't a bad thing?

[DEEP BREATH and Marco rubs his face a little before hugging Ikki tight and knuckling his head a little.]

Okay. Okay. Look, that's not because of how sex is a bad thing, that's because of how fucked up relationships are a bad thing. And right now, this is a pretty fucked up relationship, aye? See how you're upset and Selphie is. Not purely because of flirting, but because of miscommunication.

When you want something, but she wants something different, there's a gap, aye? And bridging that gap to find the middle ground is how a good relationship works. Like me and Thatch -- minus the sex thing -- sometimes we want completely different things, so we talk it out, or punch it out, and try to find the middle ground.

Your Mom said he was your new Dad right? But then the next morning he was gone. So it sounds like they couldn't find that middle ground. That's why she was upset.

What is it you want? You don't want Selphie to be with Ace romantically, right? So then what? You want her to be lonely?

[Ikki grumbles a bit at the knuckles but stays mostly silent as he listens.]

I don't want to punch Selphie. She would break if I punched her with all my strength.

[Not that she's weak but if he went all out? Stones would turn into dust, she wouldn't have a better fate.]

My mother didn't say that he was my "new" father. She said he was my father, the one and only, that he was "finally" back. I don't remember much before that, but I know she always was saying that he would be back, that he was just gone because he was very important or some shit like that. And then he met her again, and she brought him home and he did what he did the first time, use her and abandon her like a dirty cloth. My father was never a man to care about others, specially women, he impregnated at least ninety nine women... And then he killed them to take the children and use them as cannon fodder.

[He shakes his head, as if to make the memory fade away. He tenses at the question and shifts again.]

I don't care what she does, she can go and be with whoever she wants. What does it matter what I say over that?

[He's not sure what he wants, actually.]

What does to be with someone romantically mean anyway?

[The work of the older brother never ends.]

I see. [Lightly knocks a psuedo-punch to Ikki's temple.]

Okay, then it sounds a lot like your Mom was happy to see him come back and thought he meant for good, not for one night. You're not like him. You aren't going to simply use people and leave them. Are you?

[He sighs and leans back against the mast. Romantically is it?] You love your little brother, right? More than anything you want to protect him. Romantic love is like that too. But it's more accepting that your partner wants to protect you too. Maybe not just from violence, maybe from other things instead. [Gives Ikki a quiet head tilt.] Like being alone, eh. [He glances back out at the sea.]

I don't know, eh. It's different for everyone. You figure it out by going through it together.

But that's why it matters what you want. [Folds his arms behind his head and kicks his feet up.] When you love someone romantically, the jealousy can get pretty bad -- [He grins and shakes his head.] Okay even if it's not love, even if it's just that potential, eh. It's ah... intense, eh? And it's good. Sometimes it's messy and hard, like anything else, but it's part of living.

Remember when I told you not to decide for Selphie what she wants, or who she wants to chase? You don't get decide things like that. But you can decide what you want. Do you want to dance with her?

[What's with all this physical abuse. Ikki just shakes his head in response to the pseudo-punch, whatever man. Whatever. There's a soft snort before he speaks.]

I don't want to use people in the first place. I don't really know if my mother misunderstood his intentions or just made up a story herself, what I remember mostly of her, after that night and until her death, makes it hard to know. Maybe she was just delusional and didn't even realize that he probably didn't even remember her.

[Because that's the Kido he knows. A man who wouldn't even look at his children, a man who sent men chasing after them and who probably set up their mothers and families to be killed so the kids were orphans and no one gave a damn about them. Saori may claim whatever she wants, but just because he was a decent man with her doesn't erase his past sins or the horrible person he was.]

My brother can protect himself. Or could. He's stronger than me, but he doesn't want to hurt anyone, not even his enemies, so he often gets in trouble because he doesn't go all out. And I have to go and clean house so he doesn't die. I don't protect him, I just save him if I see that his stupidity is going to get him killed.

[He listens to the rest, still not looking convinced by all of that.]

You say that as if being alone is something bad.

["Figure it out by going through it together", no thanks, he isn't going to venture anywhere together with someone without knowing for sure where he's going and how it's going to be. Or have an idea of it. He doesn't have time, heart or spirit to waste in that figuring part and end seeing the other being hurt and get hurt himself.

That's why being alone is good. So when Marco asks if he wants to dance with Selphie the answer is simple, even if he has to force his body to say it because his heart seems to want to strangle itself when he does.]

I don't. I just wanted to learn to dance because of a stupid deal I had with her, but if that deal and doing things with her are going to have her thinking about doing that with me I don't want to. It's bad enough if she wants to be my friend, but love? I can't do that. I don't know how and I don't have the time to waste trying to figure that out.

Do you think that if I tell her that she will finally stop?

[So what if he's alone? What if he's empty inside? He has always been that way, always alone with his responsibilities and duties. The most company he had was his brother, and it was more because he had to take care of him than anything else. Now Shun is old enough to take care of himself and Ikki's not there with him. The next words are mumbled absently, not realizing that he's saying them out loud.]

While I'm here in this ship, enjoying an older brother, Shun is back at our world, traveling to the past with the woman we have to serve and fight for, to try to save Seiya. While Seiya is stuck in a chair, dying, I'm here having adventures and with a precious girl flirting with me. While my brothers are stuck with our duty as Saints I get to be free here. There's no way I can accept any of this and betray them like that.

[Be happy while the others aren't? Free while the others are still chained? He doesn't deserve that, happiness, friends, love, he doesn't deserve any of that. They do.]

Did he frequently go back to women he'd been with before?

Being alone is bad. Don't get me wrong, it's normal for us, but it's not good. It's surviving, not living. My Pops taught me a better life. Say what you want, but being alone doesn't save you from the hurt of losing people. It just makes that hurt grow all the time, and you don't get to experience the joys of life either.

What was your deal with Selphie?

[A sigh and he tugs on Ikki's cheek.] If your brothers were here now, what would they tell you? It's not fair. That I get to spend extra time with Thatch and Ace, when the rest of my brothers don't. But if they were here, they'd all tell me to enjoy every single second for them. If your brothers were here, what would you want them to do given the opportunity? Be miserable because somewhere far away you were alone and miserable and they couldn't fix that by being happy? Or would you want them to enjoy what they could while they could?

[Ikki frowns.]

As far as I know Shun and me are the only full brothers. Seiya had a sister, but I think she is from another father, Kido didn't take her after all, and there are female Saints so her gender wouldn't have mattered. What does that matter? Are you going to say that my mother was special because he had sex with her twice?

[If he didn't even remember her, then it wasn't a matter of returning to women he had been with before.]

I said that I would go to her parties in exchange of her doing something I told her to do afterwards.

[Ikki frowns again and slaps away Marco's hand when it tugs at his cheek, only then realizing that he had talked out loud.]

No. They should take advantage of everything they can here. Except Shiryu, he doesn't need any chances, his master was good at making sure he would have something to fall back into. He has that girl and life in the mountains is peaceful.

I don't know what they would tell me, probably they would freak out already because me being in such a crowded ship for so long is already weird. But it's not the same. I told you I don't deserve it. What I deserve is to be alone and "miserable" as you say.

No, but I am going to say, maybe she wasn't as delusional as you thought. A guy who fathers children just as soldiers wouldn't have a problem lying to women and doing his best to deceive them either.

[He grins when Ikki explains the deal. Sounds like true romance to Marco.]

[And he flicks Ikki's forehead.] I told you before, yoi. You don't get to decide what you deserve. Do you want Selphie to be unhappy, lonely, miserable, and exactly what you think you yourself deserve? She doesn't want that for you, but she thinks it's probably what she deserves for herself. And when you do things like reject her, that just reinforces her idea that she doesn't make you happy and therefore doesn't deserve you. So instead of trying to match up Ace's need not to be alone with her own, why don't you go keep her warm yourself? If we are attacked, do you really want her fighting while drunk or do you want to make sure she's safe? Quit being so selfish when it's only making you cranky and flustered. [Another forehead flick and Marco grins broadly.]

Now go down there and keep her safe, she's a valuable member of this crew and you're the only one I trust to be responsible enough for it. Got it?

And you're taking her dancing later. I'll make the arrangements when I think you're ready for it.

Hn, he didn't father us to be soldiers, though. He probably didn't care at all, for good or bad, it was when he was trusted Athena that he decided to use his children to create a personal army for her.

[Ikki slaps at Marco's hand again when the other flicks his forehead.]

Stop that.

And don't talk as if I'm the key for Selphie's happiness, there are many people in this ship and the world. A girl like her wouldn't have problems getting guys to like her. She will find someone else.

[The logic at the part of keeping her warm and the risk of what could happen if they are attacked, though, is pretty convincing. He grunts and moves to start going down as told. Only because Marco was right on that and because he said that he trusted Ikki to keep her safe, first mate orders and all that.]

Can't someone else take her to dance?

[That didn't sound like a whine, nope.]

She could, but it depends. Do you want just anyone to dance with her or do you want someone who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt has the best intentions at heart and will do anything to save her and keep her happy and even learned to dance just for her to be with her?

Think carefully on that answer.

Because I could easily set her up on a date with Ace, but I told you before why I haven't and why I won't. I want the absolute best for her, and if you can really think of someone else you'd trust more, I'll take it under advisement. Until then, consider it an enjoyable duty.

[Ikki stops as he hears that, looking up at the other with a growing frown.]

You're not talking about just dancing, are you?

Maybe I am, and maybe I'm not.

"Until then"... So what, are you telling me to go to her and then give her up the moment someone better appears?

[He can't do that. Give it up before he has it is one thing, after he has claimed it, though it's impossible.]

No. I'm telling you there isn't anyone better so you better protect her so she doesn't have to settle for someone who won't appreciate her the way you do.

You say that as if going with me wouldn't mean that she's settling for something bad. I don't remember ever saying that I appreciate her in any special way at all.

[He hasn't, right? It's actually hard to know, Marco seems to read him like an open book and right now it's getting annoying because he's basically repeating the things Ikki's heart tells him, which are the things he definitively doesn't want to hear.]

Oh, so you won't? I tell you what. Start now, and if you ever give her less than I feel she deserves, I'll kick your ass into shape.

And I don't mean some convoluted unachievable ideal either. Start giving her your best and see if you don't get better with time. And if someone comes along whom you think could do better than you at it, make sure you do far better than he ever could so you never have to worry, aye?

Either way all I hear is that you're set on the idea that we both should be together. Even though you have no reason to think that way. Are arranged marriages a thing in your world or what?

[Threats only make Ikki stand up for the challenge, not back down.]

Marriage is barely a thing in my world.

[Well.]

[It's true.]

[Even if it doesn't get to the real point at all.]

Arranged relationships then. Or whatever you have there.

[Don't avoid the point.]

[Eye roll.] Real pirates only do what they want to. You can't arrange anything with them. I tell my crew, "Step back so you don't pass out," and they argue with me until they pass out.

But they have full conviction in what they don't want to do. And they don't sacrifice what they want just to be a hero.

Who wants to be a hero?

[He isn't one, neither wants to be one. Being an hero has nothing to do with Selphie.]

Idiots.

Now go enjoy yourself, and don't be a hero.

[Ikki snorts and glares at Marco, cursing him inwardly for being so confident and reading him so easily. However he complies and climbs down to disappear below the deck. Though he's not yet sure what he's going to say or do with Selphie.]

[Marco is pleased as a pickle with himself and leans back against the mast, whistling to himself until he remembers the cold.]

[Damn it.]

Trial of the Spades

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