high_seas | Trial of the Spades

[He isn't much of one either, but when Riku holds onto his arm, he leans in too. He doesn't say anything at first, but as the chill starts to fade to a much more reasonable level, he sighs softly. It wasn't that peaceful at night, his chin rests on Riku's shoulder.]

That's getting better.

[He starts rubbing on Riku's bare arm, the one looped around him with his free hand.]

I'm glad I have a winter coat.

[Well, if he hadn't already been getting warmer, the arm rubbing certainly would've done the trick. He exhales, his breath visible in the cold air, and then gives a low laugh.]

Yeah, you and me both. And I'm rethinking the whole sleeveless shirts thing. Or...I was, anyway.

[Two minutes ago it had seemed like a stupid wardrobe decision. Now, not so much.]

The sleeveless thing isn't that bad you know, most of the time. Usually I'm the one that looks out of place.

[Natsuno rubs his arm for a few moments more, but he's getting warmer and Riku must be as well. He stops, holding onto his bicep. He may as well, being close to Riku is making him warmer.]

[He's pretty much back up to comfortable levels of warm, which...even with the body heat and layers seems kind of weird. He'd been freezing before.

Not that he's complaining. This is...nice.

He almost feels guilty, like he's cuddling -- because that's exactly what's happening here, he's belatedly realizing -- with Natsuno and using him for his warmth under false pretenses.

But...what's the harm really, right? They were both cold before and now they're not.]

Most of the time, yeah. When it's snowing? I just look like an idiot.

[Shifts under the blanket, poking Natsuno in the arm with his free hand.]

And you don't look out of place, you look good.

[They are cuddling, up alone in the crow's nest, and Natsuno isn't complaining. Of course, it's the kind of situation where he doesn't have a whole lot of choice, but even if that wasn't the case, he might let Riku get away with it.

It was harmless, at least it seems that way.]

I guess it can't hurt for you to have a coat for times like this.

[He blushes at the compliment.]

I um, thank you.

[Turns his head, and since Natsuno's got his chin on Riku's shoulder, Riku's nose kind of brushes against one of his flushed cheeks. He grins for a moment, it's always fun to make him blush, then pulls back slightly.]

It's definitely handy. I need one. You free tomorrow?

Hm? Yeah sure. Are you going into town?

[Natsuno is a bit surprised by the question but he nods.]

Yeah, I think so. We might as well before we set sail, right?

Besides, I still owe you a present.

[Leans into Natsuno -- he meant to just bump his shoulder, as usual, but instead he just kinda stays there. Natsuno is warm, okay.]

I did agree to let you get me one.

[He nods a bit. It's cold, ridiculously cold outside of this little nest they've made and he's not going to complain or leave it anytime soon. He sighs contently. Without thinking his hands go down to hang onto Riku's rubbing his hand gently, hopefully to keep him warm too.]

You did indeed.

[Breathes in sharply when Natsuno takes his hand, then exhales a little shakily. He doesn't pull away, though. Really, this whole sitting so closely together thing is making his head go a little fuzzy. And he wants to—

Well. Whatever he wants to do doesn't really matter. Not if...]

Hey, Natsuno. Can I ask you a question?

[Natsuno has been feeling rather sleepy and warm, all kinds of good things curled up with Riku, but when he asks that, his eyes focus on him for the moment.]

Yeah?

All teasing from before aside...

[Hesitates for a moment, because it's really probably not any of his business.

But.]

Were you—are you in love with Tohru?

[The second the words are out of his mouth, he cringes a bit. Seriously, so not his business! No matter how much he wants it to be. He sits up, starting to pull away.]

Sorry, you don't have to answer that, I shouldn't be so damn nosy.

[There is not a chance that Riku's getting away, and Natsuno tightens his hold on his hand so he can't possibly manage it. He's not sure if it is Riku's business or not, but it feels like a legitimate question. He shakes his head a moment as if to tell him to stay put before he begins speaking, looking at the deck.]

I think, that I was.

[He begins slowly, speaking softly.]

Tohru was my best friend, and the only person I could pretty much tolerate in that town. I hated it so much. I never liked girls, nor did I understand Shimizu's fascination with me, however, I don't think he felt the same way I did. I didn't let it bother me too much because I was planning on leaving anyway.

I didn't even want to make friends.

[He sighs. It's painful to think of those times now, and harder to remember when Tohru was himself]

Maybe it was stupid to feel that way, even if he didn't. It hurt when he died. I know, you don't think he did, and we can argue about that all day, but I saw his body, where he'd died. I saw him in his coffin. I couldn't breathe then. I never spoke up, his brother and his sister were a lot more heartbroken then I was. It was all so wrong and I had many regrets.

[One hand slides free of Riku's, going up to his face as he exhales. Perhaps he's hiding behind it just a little bit. He swallows, and continues. The pain is still there.]

I never thought he would come back. He wasn't the same then. He looked the same, his voice was the same, but he wasn't the same. It's these things that haunt my dreams now. No matter how you look at it, he's a murderer.

[He let's out something of a pained laugh as he shrugs.]

I mean, he killed me. I can't really deny what he became. I thought I could sway him, but he killed me anyway. It was pathetic of me, to be unable to save myself, just because it was him. He'd have these flashes of humanity, you know? After he killed me, he became totally wrecked. I didn't know how to fix it, I never spoke to him again.

[Now he lets go of Riku's hand, fiddling with his fingernails absently.]

The person I loved, died. That's all there is to it in the end. He died. I can't deny that I have feelings for him. That might always be so, if I can remember the good memories, instead of the ones I can't ever forget.

[He sucks in a shaky breath.]

It still hurts, but it's...hurting less every day. When I came here I wasn't planning on moving on. I wasn't planning on a future. I didn't have to think about this. I didn't have to deal with it.

[Natsuno puts his head in his hands. If Riku wants to leave, he can, but he adds something just as softly.]

It's been six months since he died Riku. It'd be a long eternity if I couldn't move past it.

[Thumps back down to the ground, since Natsuno's not letting him get away apparently. Hmph.

Then he just...listens. He doesn't want to interrupt while Natsuno's talking, though he does frown a little when he lets go of his hands. He hadn't quite realized how comfortable that had been.

Riku watches him for a moment when he seems to be done talking, then he exhales softly and reaches over, tugging one of Natsuno's hands back into his own. He interlaces their fingers, rubbing the back of Natsuno's hand with his free one.]

...Sorry. Didn't mean to make you think of painful things.

[He wants to say more. Specifically, he wants to ask if that means Natsuno has moved past it or if he just thinks he could. But he doesn't say anything else yet.]

[Natsuno is surprised when he takes his hand again. He isn't expecting Riku to take his hand again and he looks at him a little wide-eyed when he does. He sucks in a breath at his words, and the warmth is starting to go away. He squeezes his hand and leans over, hiding his face into Riku's shoulder.]

It's not your fault. Like I said, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to...it's not as hard.

[He speaks softly.]

I guess it's part of being alive, huh?

Life and death? Falling in and out of love? Yeah, it is.

But, uh...you'll find someone else.

[Soon, hopefully. Maybe.

Riku chews on his bottom lip, letting his head fall to the side a little so he's resting against Natsuno. He keeps massaging his hand, trying to be -- comforting. Or something.]

[He lets out a soft laugh, which seems unlikely for the mood, but there it was.]

I'm not too worried about that. I'm sure that's true. I meant more the missing your best friend.

[Natsuno shakes his head a bit. It is comforting, whatever he's doing and he looks up at him after a moment.]

Just because it hurts, doesn't mean I can't talk about it. Maybe it's better if I do. I feel a little better, oddly enough. Could just be you though.

Oh, right. That's...harder. I know I would've been hurting for a long time if Sora hadn't...

[He trails off, then gives a faint shake of his head.]

Don't know what I have to do with anything, I'm just sitting here.

[Uselessly and without anything helpful to say, he's just bringing up bad memories for probably selfish reasons.

He sighs, shifting a bit and letting his head thunk off the crow's nest behind them now instead.]

[Natsuno nods. He knows Riku knows what that crushing feeling is like, and he would give anything to make sure he didn't feel it again. Personally, that feeling was the worst.]

Yeah, I know, but you're always there. Even if I don't know that I need you around...so, thanks. Why are you asking about Tohru?

[He's not upset he asked, but he's not sure why either. He wonders...but at the same time, what he said was probably not what Riku wanted to hear.]

...Um.

[Pulls his hand away from Natsuno, using it to rub the back of his neck awkwardly instead.]

I was just—curious, I guess. Where you stood with him.

Nowhere. It's always been like that, my feelings aside.

[He sighs softly. He's not sure if he should say anything else, but he exhales.]

I don't think of him as much as maybe I should anymore. I've been...distracted.

Yeah, but your feelings are just as important as anything else. If you still really...

[Frowns a little, choosing his words carefully.]

I was just wondering how strongly you felt about him, I guess. Not just...as a friend. But. You know.

[Glances at Natsuno.]

And we've had a lot going on in a short period of time, I don't think it's a bad thing if you've been distracted. It's understandable, more than anything.

[Natsuno nods a bit, shifting so his legs are crossed and he leans back against the wall, his hands resting on his knees instead. All this moving around is putting distance between them.]

Are you disappointed?

[May as well not dance around the issue anymore. Riku asked for a reason.]

[Thinks about that for a minute before answering.]

No, I don't think so. That's about what I expected, and anyway, best friends, complicated feelings, I know how that goes.

[Huffs out a breath, rustling his bangs.]

But you think you can move past it.

[It's half a question, half a statement.]

[He nods his agreement. That about sums it up really. Complicated feelings, but then again feelings in general are complicated.]

I'm certain that I can. Like I said...he died awhile ago, and I know that. Even in my heart I know it. It hasn't been overnight or anything but...just...yeah.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject