high_seas | Trial of the Spades

[Rests his head on Ikki's head somewhat sleepily. It's hard to stay awake when your body insists cold = sleep, cold = hibernate, cold = go away for two thousand years and don't get up until it's a hundred degrees warmer, the planet isn't ready yet to be interesting.]

What do you want brat, yoi? [This is all said in phoenix by the way.]

[Ikki keeps walking, almost wandering. stopping at times as if unsure of where to go. At the end he heads for the Crows Nest.]

An older brother.

[Aw...]

[Okay you can have anything you want now because Marco just melted inside.]

[He switches back to human though, wishing he'd remembered to bring blankets, but whatever, he throws an arm around Ikki and refuses to let go, so that will work. Except for his toes. God damn his sandals and his need to let his feet always be free.]

What happened?

[Ikki tenses for just a second before he shifts closer accepting that arm. He closes his eyes, frowning and trying to sort out his thoughts.]

I was with Selphie, and I think... I think she was doing something, that thing girls do that gets guys' attention on them, talking about us as a man and a woman and not as friends. And I... Where the fuck did that come from??!

[He freaked out when he picked up that she was flirting with him.]

Flirting.

It's called flirting.

And what do you mean where did it come from? You said yourself you were certain she was the one setting up the places for dates, and you wanted to learn dancing in case it became necessary. Aside from which do you even realize how jealous of Ace and the Doctor you've been since their rescue of her?

[A sigh. Right. He just has to remember how oblivious he himself used to be... and really that is not hard. Marco was very oblivious. ~~Still is a bit.~~] What were you talking about or doing before she started flirti--

[Alarmed.]

You didn't punch her or push her away did you?

Flirting

[He repeats the word uncomfortably and light disgust, as if it was a pill he would rather not swallow because it tasted horrible.]

I don't see how that can have any good effect on anyone, it was annoying. I almost felt as if I was in a battle against an enemy who used mental tricks, waiting for their chance when I dropped my guard.

[He eyes Marco as the other explains where it came from, except it still makes no sense for him. At the last alarmed question Ikki groans.]

I didn't, though for a moment I felt the impulse of doing so. But instead of that I just left her in her room to sober up, told her we would talk tomorrow and came to talk with you.

And I don't see how Selphie setting up the places for dates translates into her doing that when around me. Neither what me learning how to dance has anything to do with this. And I have no idea what you're talking about regarding the rest, why would I be jealous of Ace and the Doctor because they managed to find her and rescue her first and be with her when she needed them?

[No, really, Marco you're making no sense at all. And yes, he basically pushed her away.]

[Ikki groans again and sighs, massaging his forehead with one hand as it trying to cure the headache he feels that is coming.]

What were we talking about... She was drinking rum and wanted me to drink as well, to get warm, even if it was having no effect. It seems that physical contact is the only way to get rid of the cold so I told her to stop drinking and just go to sleep, that she could go with Ace since he hates sleeping alone or something. That would kill two birds with a stone. But she got annoyed, and when I told her that if she didn't want to share with Ace there were others in the crew like the Doctor or the girls. And she freaked out even more for a moment, and later she was saying something stupid about that I was giving her to Ace and the others. As if she was a thing that I had and I could go around giving to others.

And then... Then we talked about the cold again, and she asked if I didn't want to cuddle someone, I explained that if we are attacked and I'm not used to the cold I would be in disadvantage, unless I tied someone to my back. And then she started saying that I could carry her around like a koala, she even climbed on my back and then she began to... Snuggle and cuddle as if she was a little kid.

[There's a hard pause and when he continues his tone is heavy and angered.]

And then she said "it's rude the reject a woman so coldly". Then she asked if I wouldn't stay with her for at least a little while... That's when I thought that what she had been doing and saying had to do with that thing.

[Even knowing what it is, he refuses to use the word "flirting".]

I heard those words before, you know? I heard my mother say them long ago, before she found out she was pregnant again, when she brought home a man she said that was my father. To hear Selphie saying that to me, as if I was like him, made me want to puke and punch her at the same time. And kill myself.

[But he didn't, instead he decided he needed Marco. Maybe he would help to make sense of what had happened with Selphie there, or something.

You can facepalm now, Marco.]

[Yup.]

[Facepalm.]

[And bang a fist to his forehead.]

[Oh his god.]

[So much work to unravel.]

Okay... let's start with the most important thing. Jeez poor Selphie... I think I'll go join her for a drink myself in a bit.

You are not that guy. Selphie was not trying to be your Mom, though I can see why that would freak you out. [It freaks Marco out and he barely knows what the fuck you're talking about. But if someone was coming onto him sounding like his Pops he'd punch them in the face. So. There's that.]

Secondly, flirting is usually a good thing.

Yeah, the banter and words can be kind of like that, like words in a battle, but it's playing. It's meant to cheer you up and be fun, not bad.

Thirdly, dating too. And sex, and dancing, and koala hugs.

Fourthly... Even to what it sounds like to me, it sounds like you did try to give her to Ace. I'm ... sure your intentions were uh... good. But [Rubs the bridge between his eyes.] Okay let's come back to that. Start on the other things first.

[Just a look, why do you want to have her drink more? As Marco talks, Ikki looks hardly convinced about the flirting thing, though the moment he mentions "sex" as supposedly a good thing Ikki frowns.]

Sex has nothing to do with any of that! It's not a good thing, or something to cheer you up or fun. It's dirty, painful and serves for nothing but to destroy people.

And I can't give her to anyone, she's a person, not a thing!

Whoa. Hold on now.

Rape is that way, sex is supposed to be the opposite.

And you should have said that to her instead, eh. I'm sure you didn't mean to ah... give her then, but you certainly tried to push her into well, it sounded like you were trying to get her to have sex or flirt with Ace instead.

I told her! And after I did she got weird again and started the koala thing, but really all I told her was to sleep with Ace. Sleep, not to do any of that. What kind of person gets that idea from that?

[Any normal person, Ikki.

He is still frowning and shifts uncomfortably, picking up again what Marco said before.]

You say that, but I heard it, when my mother brought that man with her and sent me early to body, barely paying attention to me, too caught into having him back. I heard it, and I saw what it did to my mother the next morning when he left as if nothing happened to never return. She wasn't raped, she wanted it, she brought him to our home and to her bed! And he used her, dirtied and sullied her and when he left the next day all that was left was a shadow of what she used to be! He stole even her sanity from her! And you pretend me to believe that sex isn't a bad thing?

[DEEP BREATH and Marco rubs his face a little before hugging Ikki tight and knuckling his head a little.]

Okay. Okay. Look, that's not because of how sex is a bad thing, that's because of how fucked up relationships are a bad thing. And right now, this is a pretty fucked up relationship, aye? See how you're upset and Selphie is. Not purely because of flirting, but because of miscommunication.

When you want something, but she wants something different, there's a gap, aye? And bridging that gap to find the middle ground is how a good relationship works. Like me and Thatch -- minus the sex thing -- sometimes we want completely different things, so we talk it out, or punch it out, and try to find the middle ground.

Your Mom said he was your new Dad right? But then the next morning he was gone. So it sounds like they couldn't find that middle ground. That's why she was upset.

What is it you want? You don't want Selphie to be with Ace romantically, right? So then what? You want her to be lonely?

[Ikki grumbles a bit at the knuckles but stays mostly silent as he listens.]

I don't want to punch Selphie. She would break if I punched her with all my strength.

[Not that she's weak but if he went all out? Stones would turn into dust, she wouldn't have a better fate.]

My mother didn't say that he was my "new" father. She said he was my father, the one and only, that he was "finally" back. I don't remember much before that, but I know she always was saying that he would be back, that he was just gone because he was very important or some shit like that. And then he met her again, and she brought him home and he did what he did the first time, use her and abandon her like a dirty cloth. My father was never a man to care about others, specially women, he impregnated at least ninety nine women... And then he killed them to take the children and use them as cannon fodder.

[He shakes his head, as if to make the memory fade away. He tenses at the question and shifts again.]

I don't care what she does, she can go and be with whoever she wants. What does it matter what I say over that?

[He's not sure what he wants, actually.]

What does to be with someone romantically mean anyway?

[The work of the older brother never ends.]

I see. [Lightly knocks a psuedo-punch to Ikki's temple.]

Okay, then it sounds a lot like your Mom was happy to see him come back and thought he meant for good, not for one night. You're not like him. You aren't going to simply use people and leave them. Are you?

[He sighs and leans back against the mast. Romantically is it?] You love your little brother, right? More than anything you want to protect him. Romantic love is like that too. But it's more accepting that your partner wants to protect you too. Maybe not just from violence, maybe from other things instead. [Gives Ikki a quiet head tilt.] Like being alone, eh. [He glances back out at the sea.]

I don't know, eh. It's different for everyone. You figure it out by going through it together.

But that's why it matters what you want. [Folds his arms behind his head and kicks his feet up.] When you love someone romantically, the jealousy can get pretty bad -- [He grins and shakes his head.] Okay even if it's not love, even if it's just that potential, eh. It's ah... intense, eh? And it's good. Sometimes it's messy and hard, like anything else, but it's part of living.

Remember when I told you not to decide for Selphie what she wants, or who she wants to chase? You don't get decide things like that. But you can decide what you want. Do you want to dance with her?

[What's with all this physical abuse. Ikki just shakes his head in response to the pseudo-punch, whatever man. Whatever. There's a soft snort before he speaks.]

I don't want to use people in the first place. I don't really know if my mother misunderstood his intentions or just made up a story herself, what I remember mostly of her, after that night and until her death, makes it hard to know. Maybe she was just delusional and didn't even realize that he probably didn't even remember her.

[Because that's the Kido he knows. A man who wouldn't even look at his children, a man who sent men chasing after them and who probably set up their mothers and families to be killed so the kids were orphans and no one gave a damn about them. Saori may claim whatever she wants, but just because he was a decent man with her doesn't erase his past sins or the horrible person he was.]

My brother can protect himself. Or could. He's stronger than me, but he doesn't want to hurt anyone, not even his enemies, so he often gets in trouble because he doesn't go all out. And I have to go and clean house so he doesn't die. I don't protect him, I just save him if I see that his stupidity is going to get him killed.

[He listens to the rest, still not looking convinced by all of that.]

You say that as if being alone is something bad.

["Figure it out by going through it together", no thanks, he isn't going to venture anywhere together with someone without knowing for sure where he's going and how it's going to be. Or have an idea of it. He doesn't have time, heart or spirit to waste in that figuring part and end seeing the other being hurt and get hurt himself.

That's why being alone is good. So when Marco asks if he wants to dance with Selphie the answer is simple, even if he has to force his body to say it because his heart seems to want to strangle itself when he does.]

I don't. I just wanted to learn to dance because of a stupid deal I had with her, but if that deal and doing things with her are going to have her thinking about doing that with me I don't want to. It's bad enough if she wants to be my friend, but love? I can't do that. I don't know how and I don't have the time to waste trying to figure that out.

Do you think that if I tell her that she will finally stop?

[So what if he's alone? What if he's empty inside? He has always been that way, always alone with his responsibilities and duties. The most company he had was his brother, and it was more because he had to take care of him than anything else. Now Shun is old enough to take care of himself and Ikki's not there with him. The next words are mumbled absently, not realizing that he's saying them out loud.]

While I'm here in this ship, enjoying an older brother, Shun is back at our world, traveling to the past with the woman we have to serve and fight for, to try to save Seiya. While Seiya is stuck in a chair, dying, I'm here having adventures and with a precious girl flirting with me. While my brothers are stuck with our duty as Saints I get to be free here. There's no way I can accept any of this and betray them like that.

[Be happy while the others aren't? Free while the others are still chained? He doesn't deserve that, happiness, friends, love, he doesn't deserve any of that. They do.]

Did he frequently go back to women he'd been with before?

Being alone is bad. Don't get me wrong, it's normal for us, but it's not good. It's surviving, not living. My Pops taught me a better life. Say what you want, but being alone doesn't save you from the hurt of losing people. It just makes that hurt grow all the time, and you don't get to experience the joys of life either.

What was your deal with Selphie?

[A sigh and he tugs on Ikki's cheek.] If your brothers were here now, what would they tell you? It's not fair. That I get to spend extra time with Thatch and Ace, when the rest of my brothers don't. But if they were here, they'd all tell me to enjoy every single second for them. If your brothers were here, what would you want them to do given the opportunity? Be miserable because somewhere far away you were alone and miserable and they couldn't fix that by being happy? Or would you want them to enjoy what they could while they could?

[Ikki frowns.]

As far as I know Shun and me are the only full brothers. Seiya had a sister, but I think she is from another father, Kido didn't take her after all, and there are female Saints so her gender wouldn't have mattered. What does that matter? Are you going to say that my mother was special because he had sex with her twice?

[If he didn't even remember her, then it wasn't a matter of returning to women he had been with before.]

I said that I would go to her parties in exchange of her doing something I told her to do afterwards.

[Ikki frowns again and slaps away Marco's hand when it tugs at his cheek, only then realizing that he had talked out loud.]

No. They should take advantage of everything they can here. Except Shiryu, he doesn't need any chances, his master was good at making sure he would have something to fall back into. He has that girl and life in the mountains is peaceful.

I don't know what they would tell me, probably they would freak out already because me being in such a crowded ship for so long is already weird. But it's not the same. I told you I don't deserve it. What I deserve is to be alone and "miserable" as you say.

No, but I am going to say, maybe she wasn't as delusional as you thought. A guy who fathers children just as soldiers wouldn't have a problem lying to women and doing his best to deceive them either.

[He grins when Ikki explains the deal. Sounds like true romance to Marco.]

[And he flicks Ikki's forehead.] I told you before, yoi. You don't get to decide what you deserve. Do you want Selphie to be unhappy, lonely, miserable, and exactly what you think you yourself deserve? She doesn't want that for you, but she thinks it's probably what she deserves for herself. And when you do things like reject her, that just reinforces her idea that she doesn't make you happy and therefore doesn't deserve you. So instead of trying to match up Ace's need not to be alone with her own, why don't you go keep her warm yourself? If we are attacked, do you really want her fighting while drunk or do you want to make sure she's safe? Quit being so selfish when it's only making you cranky and flustered. [Another forehead flick and Marco grins broadly.]

Now go down there and keep her safe, she's a valuable member of this crew and you're the only one I trust to be responsible enough for it. Got it?

And you're taking her dancing later. I'll make the arrangements when I think you're ready for it.

Hn, he didn't father us to be soldiers, though. He probably didn't care at all, for good or bad, it was when he was trusted Athena that he decided to use his children to create a personal army for her.

[Ikki slaps at Marco's hand again when the other flicks his forehead.]

Stop that.

And don't talk as if I'm the key for Selphie's happiness, there are many people in this ship and the world. A girl like her wouldn't have problems getting guys to like her. She will find someone else.

[The logic at the part of keeping her warm and the risk of what could happen if they are attacked, though, is pretty convincing. He grunts and moves to start going down as told. Only because Marco was right on that and because he said that he trusted Ikki to keep her safe, first mate orders and all that.]

Can't someone else take her to dance?

[That didn't sound like a whine, nope.]

She could, but it depends. Do you want just anyone to dance with her or do you want someone who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt has the best intentions at heart and will do anything to save her and keep her happy and even learned to dance just for her to be with her?

Think carefully on that answer.

Because I could easily set her up on a date with Ace, but I told you before why I haven't and why I won't. I want the absolute best for her, and if you can really think of someone else you'd trust more, I'll take it under advisement. Until then, consider it an enjoyable duty.

[Ikki stops as he hears that, looking up at the other with a growing frown.]

You're not talking about just dancing, are you?

Maybe I am, and maybe I'm not.

"Until then"... So what, are you telling me to go to her and then give her up the moment someone better appears?

[He can't do that. Give it up before he has it is one thing, after he has claimed it, though it's impossible.]

Trial of the Spades

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