high_seas | Supply Stop at Serenes

Selphie glanced at his smile, and tried one of her own, though she still looked somewhat awkward. She wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that either, so she looked at their feet instead. "Hmm. I guess?" She wasn't sure how good or not it is, given that she's never even been close to having to worry about that 'just one thing', especially not since Ikki said she made him feel cheap.

I'll I wait until I hear it before deciding that.

Then you can write all the time here. That must be pretty cool!

*Selphie tilts her head and nods at his answer - maybe she could track one down from somewhere*

Hey - can I be a character in your book then?

*Doing her best to look at him in a way that means he can't say no*

He squeezed her hand lightly, smiling more confidently than last.

"It'll happen, when...we're both ready." Aya shrugged casually. "There isn't a race."

"Ah!" Selphie had not expected that, and the surprise of his statement embarrasses her too. She glanced at his smile, but it only served to make her blush more. "Oh. Right. Well..." After some nervous laughter, because she can only make herself better with jokes, right? "At least maybe I don't have to go with Thatch to the brothel. Haha..."

"...the brothel?" Aya paused in his tracks and looked at Selphie. "What...you mean...are you saying..." That is a loaded statement.

When he paused, Selphie stopped too, letting go of his hand because she figured she's said something wrong, probably. She bowed her head and shrugged, "Thatch said he would take me."

I guess we probably won't agree about this island, then. So...do you mind not staring at me like that?

"Thatch isn't taking you anywhere." Running a hand through his hair, Aya continued. "Why would you even let him take you there?"

"Well, no. I mean, I've changed my mind..." Selphie cleared her throat a little, "Because... the guys went before and they had fun. And, Thatch said there were men there too so..."

"Those men...they'll promise fun, but why would you want to pay for that sort of fun?" Aya seemed confused about why she would want something like that.

"Well... I might not even have -" She lowered her eyes, feeling stupid, "When I said it, I was really...let's just say I was upset. But - Maybe I just wanted someone to tell me nice things... just hug me and say I was pretty. I dunno."

"Selphie..." He forgets how people can get lonely, especially when he, himself, got lonely the days he thought about his family. "I can do that without any payment, and happily." He stepped closer to Selphie, lifting up his hand for hers. "You don't need to go to a brothel."

"I know..." Selphie took a small breath and held his hand, finally daring herself to look up at him, "It was just a stupid idea.. that's all."

Don't worry, I won't let that happen.

[At least she hoped she wouldn't]

Just don't go too far.

[At the end, even voicing his own doubts, his lack of faith... Marco is ready and willing to try.

And that's good. Marco is older, so much older, Ikki doesn't even dare to think of how old he must be. Of how many times he may have gone through the full phoenix cycle even before meeting Whitebeard. Marco knows more, even if there are still things that escape him, things that they will never be able to get because of who they are... Maybe, maybe he can make it work for a while and get an ending that isn't so terrible. Or at least one that doesn't override everything else.

Ikki hadn't been able to. Since the very start, all he had done was ruin everything. He had tried. Always keeping an eye on Selphie. Keeping his promises to her in mind, trying to fulfill them to show her that he didn't forget, that he didn't just made those promises without real intention of keeping them. He had tried to give her room when he felt that it was better that way, that if he was too much over her she would burn and asphyxiate because of the flames. He really had tried. But none of that had been enough, none of what he did was the "right" thing to do.

Focusing on their promise had made him ignore something that hadn't been planned and she had been angry at him, hurt. Giving her space had only made her think that he didn't care for her. Giving her the freedom to decide had only given her a blank card that she had filled with breaking up, with him not caring, not loving her, not wanting to try anything for her. It was no wonder that she ended running to someone else's arms with a little excuse given by this world and while they were still "together". He knew she would all along, but he had allowed himself to believe that it wouldn't happen.

It had been such a waste of time and energy. He doesn't want to do it again, nor with her or anyone.

But Marco is different, he has more experience and knows exactly what he has to ask before even taking a step forward. Even if he's unsure or words may fail him, he knows. He won't just try, he will do it. That much, Ikki can believe in, even if he still can't see why it's worth it, why Marco would want to continue forward despite all the pain that came with it.

His arms move around Marco to hug him. It's childish, weak, such a vulnerable gesture. He hates it. But he needs it. He needs Marco close, because only he can soothe everything inside him. Only he understands, only he knows. The pain, the anger, the fear, the hate. No one else can get it, but Marco's right, it's alright even if that's the case. Because having Marco is indeed one more than what he would have ever had.]

I know.

I know that I'm privileged, that I'm lucky. I am a phoenix, but I was divided in half before I was even born, I was incomplete until I obtained my Cloth. It was a miracle that Shun was born, that I got to keep him... They tried to take him from me so many times, adults, gods, I still don't know how I managed to keep him with me all that time. I know that I was never empty because I had him, I never even felt that I was missing something because he filled everything with just his smile.

I never even realized how hard it really was for us during those years, not until later.

But I also know what's next. What's after all this.

[Not the same way Marco does, that's true and he would never dream to deny it. To try to compare his and Marco's pain, there's no point for it anyway, the pain comes from the same things even if they experienced it for different lengths of time. And if the time length was to really matter... It would still be silly to compare, Marco's much greater hands down.

But he still knows. He still saw it, peeked at the edge of the dark hole and tried to jump inside of it. If only...]

When Esmeralda died, when she was killed because of me, it was as if I lost everything for an instant. Because she wasn't supposed to be there, she was supposed to be safe, I was supposed to become a Saint and take her with me, bring her to the outside world where she could start anew, a real life. I wanted to help her rebirth in another place, without being a slave, even if she still worked as a servant somewhere, even if live was still hard and I had to leave her. I wanted to give her the chance.

But I couldn't. She went there when she shouldn't have, because of me, because she was worried about me. I destroyed her. And when she died in my arms I realized, that I couldn't save her, I couldn't protect someone who wasn't supposed to even be in danger. If I couldn't do that how could I protect someone who would be in danger? How was I supposed to go find and rescue Shun?

Then I learned about my father and everything hurt. Everything I had done since I was born had served for nothing but to hurt everyone. If I hadn't been born, Esmeralda wouldn't have died. If I hadn't stopped people from taking Shun away, maybe our father would have never found him, I could have lied, say that he died, say that he was never born. But I didn't and that ended leading him to this life. Even when I tried to save him from a horrible training all it served for was for him to be sent to an even worse place. And everything for what? For that man. For that brat that was given a pair of goddess shoes that she can't fill. From the start we were cursed. From the start all I did was destroy everything I tried to protect.

[His actions, his decisions. Everything was wrong, just like with Selphie. No matter how much he tries, how careful he tries to be. Everything he does is wrong, everything in him is wrong, from the very core. If only he hadn't been born. Even if it had been harder, wouldn't everyone have managed to achieve happiness at the end? What had he done that had served for anything good? Had he made any real difference that helped them? Had he saved anyone?

No. He hadn't. Not here, nor there. He had been the one to find and rescue Kairi but that became a moot point when she died later on anyway. And now, somehow Marco has the resolution to try and move forward, but even that will end in pain, even if it's lessened somehow. It would have been better if he didn't manage to help the other phoenix.]

I know what that emptiness is. Even if I haven't felt it directly, I know it. When I recovered my Cloth and the part of me, of the phoenix, that was there returned to me... I felt it. The emptiness that part had been buried in for years, centuries. Waiting for me, always waiting just for me and not knowing if I would ever arrive. And then... Everything stopped to hurt. I felt empty, as if I had become a dark hole and all the pain, hate and confusion was swallowed inside. For a moment, I was empty because of all those centuries that part of me had been alone and empty.

I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to be empty because then nothing hurts, there's nothing to miss, nothing to worry about. And I don't care if it's bad or what, if it's between all this pain and being empty, how could I not choose that? That's why I tried to kill them all, even Shun, I wanted to return there, to be all alone, nothing else mattered as long as I stopped feeling. It was even okay if they killed me, if they turned to hate me forever, even if they didn't die, I was okay with it as long as they left me.

As long as I was empty forever.

[If only they had listened. If only Selphie had listened. If only they had allowed him to do what he knew was the correct thing, he could have fixed the mistake that his birth was. He couldn't have make amends with the pain he had caused, all the things he had destroyed, but he can't do that now either. At least that way, he would have been able to avoid destroying even more.]

But they didn't. They didn't let me. They all almost died. I almost did it, Hyoga, Shun and Shiryu, their bodies were on the ground. And Seiya was still fighting, for them and for me. He didn't want to defeat me, he wanted me to go back to how I used to me. His friends were dying, he was dying and he still refused to give up on any of us. Because despite being cursed, despite being made just to destroy, somehow I'm so fucking lucky that I'm not allowed to be empty forever yet.

But that won't last. And that's why I don't get it. Why not let me just be empty from the start? If I was born to fight, if all I can do is destroy even when I try to not do it, wouldn't it be easier if I was empty from the start?

I know that it is bad. But at least there I wouldn't care about this place. I wouldn't care about Shun and Athena lost in the past alone. I wouldn't care about Athena being reduced to a baby because of another god. I wouldn't be angry and hurt because of what happened with Selphie. I wouldn't care about Kairi or Roxas' deaths. I wouldn't care about Seiya being stuck to a chair, dying slowly without us being able to do anything. Not Athena, nor me, even if she's a goddess and I'm the bird of rebirth, we can't do anything to save him.

Life would be so much easier if it was empty. I don't even deserve it not being empty when I was born just to destroy.

It's an evil island and I'm not getting any closer to it.

[He shivers.]

It's Holy ground and I'm undead. I couldn't get near it if I wanted to.

Nope, never!

[Sorry Nami, Roxas doesn't get out much.]

We talked about it though, Axel told me all about the beach. We were going to go sometime, and now we're here!

[Axel, Lea, same thing really.]

I could turn it into a well of the right kind of magic. But it'd become an active volcano in the process.

[She looks over slightly.]

For the moment just dipping my feet in. Feels nice.

Yeah, I guess so.

[After a moment he scratches his head.]

Are you okay Kairi? You seem kind of...hmmm...

[What does she seem like? Emotions aren't his strength.]

Different, I guess.

[As if Mako couldn't be grouped in with all those grumpy people... Korra lets out an exasperated sigh.]

I swear, it's like keeping an eye on a giant baby, sometimes.

[That is accurate tbh. Asami swears she feels like his mom sometimes]

So...I take it he's tried swimming in the water around you too?

[Marco returns the hug, but switches back to human to give Ikki a more proper hug, a big brother hug holding the other phoenix safe for once. Poor Ikki, always had to be the one sacrificing himself, frustrated when anyone else tried for his sake, trying desperate to kick them away so they wouldn't do it when it was his job. He holds Ikki in his arms hard and just does his best to temper the flames he recognizes so well. Like Ace's. Burned, burned, and forever still burning.]

[When Thatch died, Marco doubted he ever could recover. And he knew worse was coming. Ace had run away, Whitebeard was dying, what was left? The rest of the crew, but it was a duty almost more than a joy.]

[Still. There are days like this. Days where he just winds up laughing at all. It's all so strange. Life, rebirth, the endless cycle. This forest drives him crazy. Every new life in this spring just reminds him of the millions of death that came before it. The deaths no one else can hear but another phoenix. Ace, Thatch, Natsuno, they're dead, so they feel it. The push. As if the forest wants to say your time is done. But it's never done, because Marco and Ikki will always carry it forward.]

You'd be nothing.

[He says it in human without realizing it at first, but it doesn't matter, it's the same thing.] And you're not nothing. You're Ikki, my little brother. Shun's big brother. The others' big brother. You're not nothing, because they desperately need a phoenix, and you're the only one strong enough.

[What does it mean to always hurt? That was Selphie's mistake. The more she started to realize how much he always hurt, the more she realized she couldn't take it away, of course it hurt.]

[Marco roughly holds his hug tighter.]

You don't cause their pain, you take it away. [Back to phoenix language, but it's the kind of thing that can't be said in human.] We're selfish. We want all the pain for ourselves. Isn't that why seeing Selphie hurt, hurt you so much more? Isn't that why it hurts you to watch them hurt and feel so helpless?

[Thatch called it selfish, Marco's masochism. Thatch had always known. That's why he loves Thatch. That's why he needed Thatch so desperately. Marco would always want to absorb everyone else's pain, all of it, and never let them share it. And the more the others wanted him to share it, the more he'd refuse. It wasn't theirs to bear.]

[Even now a little, Thatch is still like that. The darkness devil fruit also takes a lot of pain, and Marco's well aware that he's so fucked up, he's glad Thatch has it. Because it means Thatch shares it with him again, no matter what the other wants.]

The empty nothingness is never better.

[He runs a hand through Ikki's hair, gently ruffling it in the way his Pops always did to him. He can't think of a more soothing gesture, and he doubts one will ever exist.]

[There wasn't life before Whitebeard, there was just nothing.]

[And even now though it hurts, it aches, and it burns, and it's nearly all sorrow and pain, it still is better than the nothing that came before. Even when he's mad and wants to rage at Ace and Thatch for leaving him, for forcing him to be the Captain he never wanted to be, for forcing him to protect the only family left, their dreams, their war, Pops' wars, the islands, all of it, even then, it's better than the nothing.]

Selphie wasn't burned because you tried. Selphie got burned because Selphie tried.

I admire you really. I've never let a woman see that much of me. I've never even let Thatch! The closest I came was how much he saw on his own. You were brave. And I'm sorry Ikki, I'm sorry it hurts.

[He quietly shooshes his brother, and keeps ruffling the hair.] I don't know what will come. One day, it all may return to dust. Isn't that what happens?

But look at this island. Dust or not, it has too many cycles ahead of it for us to jump that far. That's why we hate it. One cycle at a time. We'll just take it one cycle at a time. One season, one day, one cycle.

Someday all my brothers will be gone, and their children, and their children's children, and by then I really hope I can be finished, but for now, let's just go to the next day. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but we won't know if we don't get there, yoi.

[He wished Ikki could turn into a bird form, so that it was his turn to carry him. That was why Thatch was always carrying him as a bird. So Marco could just breathe sometimes and let someone else do the carrying. Tomorrow, Marco thinks, he'll make Ace do the carrying. Ace wants to be captain, and Marco has to help him do it. But tonight, Marco wants to carry them all, because his shoulders are broad enough and his flames are bright enough.]

Come on, yoi. I'm giving you a piggyback.

[Warning? Who needs a warning? She asked him to rest with her so he fell asleep. Immediately. On the spot. You can tell because he's occasionally snoring in a way that not at all sounds fake whatsoever. So, really, this is entirely 100% her fault.]

[Naesala's not ready enough to reciprocate the feeling out loud (though she must know already, he thinks, reading his soul behind his back as much as she does) (rude Leanne). But... He lifts one hand and runs it through her hair as she settles down again, gently, idly working out a tangle or two.

Damn, he's glad she brought up hiding this from the crew. No one must know how soft he's going.]

Supply Stop at Serenes

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maybe your dog hAS SOMETHING AGAINST SHIPPING