Who: The Spade Pirates Where: Serenes When: April 10th-13th What:chillin' out maxin relaxin all cool Gathering supplies Warnings: Nothing more than the usual Status: Open
[Marco returns the hug, but switches back to human to give Ikki a more proper hug, a big brother hug holding the other phoenix safe for once. Poor Ikki, always had to be the one sacrificing himself, frustrated when anyone else tried for his sake, trying desperate to kick them away so they wouldn't do it when it was his job. He holds Ikki in his arms hard and just does his best to temper the flames he recognizes so well. Like Ace's. Burned, burned, and forever still burning.]
[When Thatch died, Marco doubted he ever could recover. And he knew worse was coming. Ace had run away, Whitebeard was dying, what was left? The rest of the crew, but it was a duty almost more than a joy.]
[Still. There are days like this. Days where he just winds up laughing at all. It's all so strange. Life, rebirth, the endless cycle. This forest drives him crazy. Every new life in this spring just reminds him of the millions of death that came before it. The deaths no one else can hear but another phoenix. Ace, Thatch, Natsuno, they're dead, so they feel it. The push. As if the forest wants to say your time is done. But it's never done, because Marco and Ikki will always carry it forward.]
You'd be nothing.
[He says it in human without realizing it at first, but it doesn't matter, it's the same thing.] And you're not nothing. You're Ikki, my little brother. Shun's big brother. The others' big brother. You're not nothing, because they desperately need a phoenix, and you're the only one strong enough.
[What does it mean to always hurt? That was Selphie's mistake. The more she started to realize how much he always hurt, the more she realized she couldn't take it away, of course it hurt.]
[Marco roughly holds his hug tighter.]
You don't cause their pain, you take it away. [Back to phoenix language, but it's the kind of thing that can't be said in human.] We're selfish. We want all the pain for ourselves. Isn't that why seeing Selphie hurt, hurt you so much more? Isn't that why it hurts you to watch them hurt and feel so helpless?
[Thatch called it selfish, Marco's masochism. Thatch had always known. That's why he loves Thatch. That's why he needed Thatch so desperately. Marco would always want to absorb everyone else's pain, all of it, and never let them share it. And the more the others wanted him to share it, the more he'd refuse. It wasn't theirs to bear.]
[Even now a little, Thatch is still like that. The darkness devil fruit also takes a lot of pain, and Marco's well aware that he's so fucked up, he's glad Thatch has it. Because it means Thatch shares it with him again, no matter what the other wants.]
The empty nothingness is never better.
[He runs a hand through Ikki's hair, gently ruffling it in the way his Pops always did to him. He can't think of a more soothing gesture, and he doubts one will ever exist.]
[There wasn't life before Whitebeard, there was just nothing.]
[And even now though it hurts, it aches, and it burns, and it's nearly all sorrow and pain, it still is better than the nothing that came before. Even when he's mad and wants to rage at Ace and Thatch for leaving him, for forcing him to be the Captain he never wanted to be, for forcing him to protect the only family left, their dreams, their war, Pops' wars, the islands, all of it, even then, it's better than the nothing.]
Selphie wasn't burned because you tried. Selphie got burned because Selphie tried.
I admire you really. I've never let a woman see that much of me. I've never even let Thatch! The closest I came was how much he saw on his own. You were brave. And I'm sorry Ikki, I'm sorry it hurts.
[He quietly shooshes his brother, and keeps ruffling the hair.] I don't know what will come. One day, it all may return to dust. Isn't that what happens?
But look at this island. Dust or not, it has too many cycles ahead of it for us to jump that far. That's why we hate it. One cycle at a time. We'll just take it one cycle at a time. One season, one day, one cycle.
Someday all my brothers will be gone, and their children, and their children's children, and by then I really hope I can be finished, but for now, let's just go to the next day. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but we won't know if we don't get there, yoi.
[He wished Ikki could turn into a bird form, so that it was his turn to carry him. That was why Thatch was always carrying him as a bird. So Marco could just breathe sometimes and let someone else do the carrying. Tomorrow, Marco thinks, he'll make Ace do the carrying. Ace wants to be captain, and Marco has to help him do it. But tonight, Marco wants to carry them all, because his shoulders are broad enough and his flames are bright enough.]
[He tenses at the hug, even if he was the one who initiated it, his initial reaction, his primal response is to fight it. Because he's not one to be hugged. He's not used to it, not since he was a kid and then Shun was too little so the hugging still fell mostly on his part. Him giving a hug, even if he needs it and initiates it, can be disguised as him comforting the other, no one has to see that he needs it. No one gets to see his weakness. Accepting a hug like that, though, especially from Marco, feels as if he's admitting a weakness. Saying that he can't do it alone, that he needs Marco to protect him.
And that's the last thing he wants. Marco has enough protecting everyone else, he doesn't have to add Ikki to it. He doesn't have to be Ikki's shield too. Ikki wants to be Marco's shield even if it's a small one, so Marco can shield the rest. Because Ikki can't, his shields aren't strong or big, they are just an illusion, but one he's going to cling to forever. Because if he doesn't, what kind of phoenix would he be?
It takes a bit, when Marco turns back into human and hugs him, Ikki's arms actually move away from the other and he tenses. Ready to push, ready to refuse, to try to be strong. But then Marco starts to talk and it just hurt too much. So he hugs the other back, cursing his weakness, cursing his mistakes, his failures, cursing the island for pushing him so much, cursing Selphie and Athena and Seiya.
He knows, he knows that the nothingness isn't better. But it's so tempting. It's so tiring. He doesn't shoulder a family like Marco does, but his burden isn't that lighter, he fights for Athena. He fights for the world. For all the Esmeraldas he doesn't know but that exist, for all the children who are abandoned, who have nothing in the world and receive nothing but suffering and pain for having been born. For all the brothers he had and wasn't able to protect, wasn't given the chance to protect. For all the girls who are put to fill the role of a goddess and fight in all those wars. He has fought against gods, they stopped Hades, but that doesn't stop the pain, the death. All they truly achieved was to delay the death of everything and to leave the souls without a place to go to.
What happens now to the souls of the people who die? What happened to the souls of those who were dead? He repeats to himself that it's okay, that it doesn't matter, it's better this way because after all Hades didn't allow any souls to go to Elyseum. Everyone was tortured and punished eternally, even Esmeralda, so it's better this way. Whatever happens to them can't be worse than eternal torture for stepping on an ant.
But deep down, he knows it's not.]
I wasn't brave. I was an idiot. I should have never trusted her, I should have never believed it when you both said that it would be okay. She wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough or good enough for her, from the very start.
There's nothing to admire in me. You have lost people, but you still have many of the ones you intend to protect.
I only keep losing people. I only keep making everything worse. We protected the world from complete destruction, but now souls have nowhere to go, and trillions of souls were lost when the afterlife was destroyed when we defeated Hades. Our brothers, our friends, our mentors, we keep losing them no matter what.
I'm weak.
[How can he claim that he protects people when they keep slipping in between his fingers? Marco has lost people, not just Thatch, Ace and Whitebeard, many others, Ikki knows that. But he has managed to protect many as well, he shoulders it all, he is their shield. But Ikki... Ikki is no one's shield.
He's nothing but a pathetic phoenix. And it's only to Marco to whom he admits it, because Marco is a real phoenix, what Ikki should be. What he will never be.
Even so, he still has pride to frown at the piggyback comment and look embarrassed at it.]
A piggyback? Wouldn't you prefer me to carry you in bird form?
Next time, I'll try to find a way to turn you into a bird form or something, but for now, this is good enough, eh.
[He turns around and picks Ikki up despite the protests. Because he knows. Because he's been there, but at least he had Thatch, at least he had Whitebeard, he could never have done it without them. And whatever Ikki says, Marco doesn't care, because he knows it must have been so much harder without them. It must have hurt so much more, and it's time he doesn't have to hurt so much.]
You were very brave.
[He carries him through the forest, glowing blue because no matter what, it's a comforting light and he knows it. And he wants it there to protect Ikki, from the forest, from his own dark thoughts, from everything. So he casts it all over.]
You were very brave, and very strong, and it hurts because sometimes just being brave and strong isn't enough. Believe me, I know. I've seen that too. Ace is always both, but he still died, eh? She didn't get hurt because you were weak, or not enough, she got hurt because she got very close, very fast, and neither of you had anyway to pull back. That's what scares me about Robin. I'll never know how to pull back. If she doesn't keep me away, how will I know? But it's okay. It's okay because even though it hurts, you tried. You tried and you gave and gave and gave. And you tried hard. Even if no one else ever knows how hard you tried, I know. I know, okay? And it's okay now.
[He shifts Ikki's weight and ruffles his head with one free hand before going back to carrying him.]
Even if it still hurts for a long time, that hurt is proof of how you tried. Our scars are never the kind people can see, and sometimes they don't think they're there. But they're there. [That's why he wore a bandage to his Pops' funeral. No one else could see his scars, but they were there.]
I might lose all my brothers well before their time. Back in my world there's thousands I have to protect, but we're outnumbered. I don't know what to do really. I'm going to keep trying, but I can't protect it all. Even if I could be everywhere at once, there are some things even I can't face. They'll all try to protect me too, and that's even harder to bear. All I can do is hope. Maybe a chance will come, and then I can take it. Maybe I can kill Akainu and avenge Ace. Maybe I can kill Teach and avenge everyone. Maybe I can kill Kaidou. Maybe, maybe, maybe. There's so many pieces, so many threads, even I can't master them all. So I can only keep trying. Fighting to give my best. Take moments like these just to breathe because it's what my Pops would want. He can't tell me what to do anymore, and I'm still mad at him for dying, because it's childish and petty, but that way it stings less, eh? But the older part of me, the better part of me knows I should take these moments too.
It's easier when I remember I have to take the moments so that the rest of my brothers, like Namur, know it's okay. So they will too. Because if I don't show them it's okay, they won't. They'll avoid it, because they're still so young, and so scared, and they have so much to fear. So the best I can do is show them that there are times they don't have to be afraid. That it's okay to laugh again, even though we'll cry more later.
Maybe I'll lose them all in their time. That will let me be done and rest. But if I don't, I'll keep fighting for every last one of them. Because they need me. And I know you'll fight for yours too, okay? Because you are who you are.
But for now, just rest. I've got you. You're strong, but even the world's strongest need to rest, need a friend, need nakama, need family. [Another gentle ruffle, and Marco goes back to singing again.]
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[When Thatch died, Marco doubted he ever could recover. And he knew worse was coming. Ace had run away, Whitebeard was dying, what was left? The rest of the crew, but it was a duty almost more than a joy.]
[Still. There are days like this. Days where he just winds up laughing at all. It's all so strange. Life, rebirth, the endless cycle. This forest drives him crazy. Every new life in this spring just reminds him of the millions of death that came before it. The deaths no one else can hear but another phoenix. Ace, Thatch, Natsuno, they're dead, so they feel it. The push. As if the forest wants to say your time is done. But it's never done, because Marco and Ikki will always carry it forward.]
You'd be nothing.
[He says it in human without realizing it at first, but it doesn't matter, it's the same thing.] And you're not nothing. You're Ikki, my little brother. Shun's big brother. The others' big brother. You're not nothing, because they desperately need a phoenix, and you're the only one strong enough.
[What does it mean to always hurt? That was Selphie's mistake. The more she started to realize how much he always hurt, the more she realized she couldn't take it away, of course it hurt.]
[Marco roughly holds his hug tighter.]
You don't cause their pain, you take it away. [Back to phoenix language, but it's the kind of thing that can't be said in human.] We're selfish. We want all the pain for ourselves. Isn't that why seeing Selphie hurt, hurt you so much more? Isn't that why it hurts you to watch them hurt and feel so helpless?
[Thatch called it selfish, Marco's masochism. Thatch had always known. That's why he loves Thatch. That's why he needed Thatch so desperately. Marco would always want to absorb everyone else's pain, all of it, and never let them share it. And the more the others wanted him to share it, the more he'd refuse. It wasn't theirs to bear.]
[Even now a little, Thatch is still like that. The darkness devil fruit also takes a lot of pain, and Marco's well aware that he's so fucked up, he's glad Thatch has it. Because it means Thatch shares it with him again, no matter what the other wants.]
The empty nothingness is never better.
[He runs a hand through Ikki's hair, gently ruffling it in the way his Pops always did to him. He can't think of a more soothing gesture, and he doubts one will ever exist.]
[There wasn't life before Whitebeard, there was just nothing.]
[And even now though it hurts, it aches, and it burns, and it's nearly all sorrow and pain, it still is better than the nothing that came before. Even when he's mad and wants to rage at Ace and Thatch for leaving him, for forcing him to be the Captain he never wanted to be, for forcing him to protect the only family left, their dreams, their war, Pops' wars, the islands, all of it, even then, it's better than the nothing.]
Selphie wasn't burned because you tried. Selphie got burned because Selphie tried.
I admire you really. I've never let a woman see that much of me. I've never even let Thatch! The closest I came was how much he saw on his own. You were brave. And I'm sorry Ikki, I'm sorry it hurts.
[He quietly shooshes his brother, and keeps ruffling the hair.] I don't know what will come. One day, it all may return to dust. Isn't that what happens?
But look at this island. Dust or not, it has too many cycles ahead of it for us to jump that far. That's why we hate it. One cycle at a time. We'll just take it one cycle at a time. One season, one day, one cycle.
Someday all my brothers will be gone, and their children, and their children's children, and by then I really hope I can be finished, but for now, let's just go to the next day. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but we won't know if we don't get there, yoi.
[He wished Ikki could turn into a bird form, so that it was his turn to carry him. That was why Thatch was always carrying him as a bird. So Marco could just breathe sometimes and let someone else do the carrying. Tomorrow, Marco thinks, he'll make Ace do the carrying. Ace wants to be captain, and Marco has to help him do it. But tonight, Marco wants to carry them all, because his shoulders are broad enough and his flames are bright enough.]
Come on, yoi. I'm giving you a piggyback.
no subject
And that's the last thing he wants. Marco has enough protecting everyone else, he doesn't have to add Ikki to it. He doesn't have to be Ikki's shield too. Ikki wants to be Marco's shield even if it's a small one, so Marco can shield the rest. Because Ikki can't, his shields aren't strong or big, they are just an illusion, but one he's going to cling to forever. Because if he doesn't, what kind of phoenix would he be?
It takes a bit, when Marco turns back into human and hugs him, Ikki's arms actually move away from the other and he tenses. Ready to push, ready to refuse, to try to be strong. But then Marco starts to talk and it just hurt too much. So he hugs the other back, cursing his weakness, cursing his mistakes, his failures, cursing the island for pushing him so much, cursing Selphie and Athena and Seiya.
He knows, he knows that the nothingness isn't better. But it's so tempting. It's so tiring. He doesn't shoulder a family like Marco does, but his burden isn't that lighter, he fights for Athena. He fights for the world. For all the Esmeraldas he doesn't know but that exist, for all the children who are abandoned, who have nothing in the world and receive nothing but suffering and pain for having been born. For all the brothers he had and wasn't able to protect, wasn't given the chance to protect. For all the girls who are put to fill the role of a goddess and fight in all those wars. He has fought against gods, they stopped Hades, but that doesn't stop the pain, the death. All they truly achieved was to delay the death of everything and to leave the souls without a place to go to.
What happens now to the souls of the people who die? What happened to the souls of those who were dead? He repeats to himself that it's okay, that it doesn't matter, it's better this way because after all Hades didn't allow any souls to go to Elyseum. Everyone was tortured and punished eternally, even Esmeralda, so it's better this way. Whatever happens to them can't be worse than eternal torture for stepping on an ant.
But deep down, he knows it's not.]
I wasn't brave. I was an idiot. I should have never trusted her, I should have never believed it when you both said that it would be okay. She wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough or good enough for her, from the very start.
There's nothing to admire in me. You have lost people, but you still have many of the ones you intend to protect.
I only keep losing people. I only keep making everything worse. We protected the world from complete destruction, but now souls have nowhere to go, and trillions of souls were lost when the afterlife was destroyed when we defeated Hades. Our brothers, our friends, our mentors, we keep losing them no matter what.
I'm weak.
[How can he claim that he protects people when they keep slipping in between his fingers? Marco has lost people, not just Thatch, Ace and Whitebeard, many others, Ikki knows that. But he has managed to protect many as well, he shoulders it all, he is their shield. But Ikki... Ikki is no one's shield.
He's nothing but a pathetic phoenix. And it's only to Marco to whom he admits it, because Marco is a real phoenix, what Ikki should be. What he will never be.
Even so, he still has pride to frown at the piggyback comment and look embarrassed at it.]
A piggyback? Wouldn't you prefer me to carry you in bird form?
You don't have to... Carry me as well.
no subject
Next time, I'll try to find a way to turn you into a bird form or something, but for now, this is good enough, eh.
[He turns around and picks Ikki up despite the protests. Because he knows. Because he's been there, but at least he had Thatch, at least he had Whitebeard, he could never have done it without them. And whatever Ikki says, Marco doesn't care, because he knows it must have been so much harder without them. It must have hurt so much more, and it's time he doesn't have to hurt so much.]
You were very brave.
[He carries him through the forest, glowing blue because no matter what, it's a comforting light and he knows it. And he wants it there to protect Ikki, from the forest, from his own dark thoughts, from everything. So he casts it all over.]
You were very brave, and very strong, and it hurts because sometimes just being brave and strong isn't enough. Believe me, I know. I've seen that too. Ace is always both, but he still died, eh? She didn't get hurt because you were weak, or not enough, she got hurt because she got very close, very fast, and neither of you had anyway to pull back. That's what scares me about Robin. I'll never know how to pull back. If she doesn't keep me away, how will I know? But it's okay. It's okay because even though it hurts, you tried. You tried and you gave and gave and gave. And you tried hard. Even if no one else ever knows how hard you tried, I know. I know, okay? And it's okay now.
[He shifts Ikki's weight and ruffles his head with one free hand before going back to carrying him.]
Even if it still hurts for a long time, that hurt is proof of how you tried. Our scars are never the kind people can see, and sometimes they don't think they're there. But they're there. [That's why he wore a bandage to his Pops' funeral. No one else could see his scars, but they were there.]
I might lose all my brothers well before their time. Back in my world there's thousands I have to protect, but we're outnumbered. I don't know what to do really. I'm going to keep trying, but I can't protect it all. Even if I could be everywhere at once, there are some things even I can't face. They'll all try to protect me too, and that's even harder to bear. All I can do is hope. Maybe a chance will come, and then I can take it. Maybe I can kill Akainu and avenge Ace. Maybe I can kill Teach and avenge everyone. Maybe I can kill Kaidou. Maybe, maybe, maybe. There's so many pieces, so many threads, even I can't master them all. So I can only keep trying. Fighting to give my best. Take moments like these just to breathe because it's what my Pops would want. He can't tell me what to do anymore, and I'm still mad at him for dying, because it's childish and petty, but that way it stings less, eh? But the older part of me, the better part of me knows I should take these moments too.
It's easier when I remember I have to take the moments so that the rest of my brothers, like Namur, know it's okay. So they will too. Because if I don't show them it's okay, they won't. They'll avoid it, because they're still so young, and so scared, and they have so much to fear. So the best I can do is show them that there are times they don't have to be afraid. That it's okay to laugh again, even though we'll cry more later.
Maybe I'll lose them all in their time. That will let me be done and rest. But if I don't, I'll keep fighting for every last one of them. Because they need me. And I know you'll fight for yours too, okay? Because you are who you are.
But for now, just rest. I've got you. You're strong, but even the world's strongest need to rest, need a friend, need nakama, need family. [Another gentle ruffle, and Marco goes back to singing again.]