high_seas | HazMat Log 006 ♔ Impending doom and diabetes

[Somewhat chastened, Lea hangs his head as Roxas speaks. He listens. He knows he does. He listens more than he should, considering how much he eavesdrops on the journal and it's not that he misses the good things, it's just that he knows they don't matter to anyone else but Roxas. Lea's just some interloper who doesn't deserve him trying to take him away from where he really belongs and Roxas won't tell anyone else but him that that's not true and it hurts. It hurts badly.]

If you wanna stay with me, then act like it!

[The problem with Roxas is that any insults that are sub textual go right over his head. It isn't that he wouldn't defend Lea, he just doesn't realize he has to.

He steps away, facing away from Lea and put his head into his hand. He exhales and just shakes his head.]

I'm the stupid one. I should have known better then to open my mouth. I thought I resolved to shut up and then you come up here...

[He gives his head a shake with a sigh.]

Stupid, Roxas.

[Geez, what the hell is he on about now? This was the problem with having an argument with Roxas. No matter how honest Lea was about things, it didn't matter because they'd just get misinterpreted anyway, usually in ways he couldn't even piece together.]

Don't you start with the stupid thing again! No one called you stupid. You're not getting out of this with the "boo hoo I'm stupid and broken" card again! You're not either one of those things, so come off it already!

[He blinks and shoots Lea a look.]

You didn't want to hear about what I had to say. I knew that and still I talked to you about this. That was stupid.

[Roxas frowns at him.]

I don't know what card you're talking about but I'm not trying to get out of anything. You shouldn't tell me you want to listen to me when you don't. Just talk to me Roxas. You didn't want me to say anything! You don't like what I have to say! Why would you push me on it?

Hey, I've listened to you every single time you wanted to talk about this! It's not my fault if you don't like what I have to say about it! What do you want me to say? That I'm fine with all of this? That I think Ace is wrong and we should all go back to the Moon and have some sort of big group hug and make up? Because I'm not, he's not, and that's not gonna happen!

[Roxas takes a deep breath, moves to the other side of the crow's nest and sits down again.]

Fine, Lea. Just...just fine. Ace is right and I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not being a man. I don't get to have what I want, I'm not free enough to do what I want.

That's all just fine. You want me to go? I'll go. I have nowhere to go back to, so don't worry about that. This way everyone wins.

[Everyone except Roxas, but when has that mattered?]

What argument are you listening to?!

[There's misinterpreting and there's somehow hearing the exact opposite of what's been said.]

Maybe if you'd stop feeling sorry for yourself for a while, you'd hear what people are telling you!

I heard what he said. He told me I'm not a Spade anymore. I'm insulting everyone and I'm wrong about all of it. My feelings, everything is wrong. You said he's right. You believe that, don't you?

[What is he misinterpreting here?]

I'm upset and you're pushing me away. All I'm doing is making you mad. You've already told me to go three times. Well...well maybe I should.

[He is not sorry for having feelings, and he is not sorry he feels the way he does. It's just the way it is.]

I can't help how I feel about it. I can't help that I'm sad and I can't help that it hurts. I am up here because I don't want to feel like this again. When we leave this place, it will hurt too. I don't want that. Nothing was like this on the clock tower.

[He exhales.]

Yeah, well, this is what life is actually like. It sucks and it hurts. Stop acting like you're the only one who ever feels like this.

[Lea slams his hand against the mast.]

I do agree with Ace. I'm not gonna lie about that. If you're gonna stay with me, you can't be a Spade anymore. If that's more important to you, then maybe you should go back. I'm not gonna spend every day watching you waste away because you wanna be with them and I'm not going back there. If you're so afraid of ever hurting again, then go back and Marco can baby you as much as he wants because I won't do that, either.

[He slumps, putting all of his weight against the hand that's pressed up against the mast.]

I just can't, okay?

[Roxas is quiet, listening to Lea. He remains quiet when he's finished as he tries to think of what he can say.]

I already told you what was most important to me...don't listen. [He mumbles the last part.]

[He isn't sure what else to say, honestly. The idea that his relationship with Marco is 'babying' is confusing. He isn't sure what part of it is.

He's thinking for a bit so it takes a moment before he asks his question, not looking at Lea now.]

How is he babying me?

How isn't he? He treats you like you're a little kid, he wouldn't even be himself with you because he knew you liked the bird better and now he's going against what Ace tells him because he doesn't want to have to be honest with you and tell you you can't be a member of the crew anymore. He won't do anything that might make you sad because he's so afraid you won't like him anymore.

[At least no one can accuse Lea of that.]

[He frowns a little bit.]

He's treating me like a little kid? How is he doing that? I mean, yeah, he said he didn't agree with Ace...but if that's how it is, I just didn't understand. I don't really know why he didn't tell me but I'm not mad about it anymore.

[Lea sighs and shakes his head. Nothing he says is going to convince Roxas of anything, so why bother?]

Forget it.

[His voice is barely above a whisper.]

Please explain it to me Lea. Tell me what I'm doing wrong.

You're not doing anything wrong.

[Lea shifted so that his back was against the mast. Easier not to look at Roxas that way.]

It's not always your fault, okay? He's the one doing something wrong, not you. You just want to make friends. Nothing wrong with that.

[It's alright, Roxas isn't feeling too keen on looking at Lea right now either.]

Make me understand. Because I really like Marco. I really like how things are. He ruffles my hair and gives me hugs, he listens to me tell him anything I want, he plays games with me...all of this is babying?

I need to understand. Because if there's something you won't do, if you don't tell me how can I know not to ask that of you? Is it all of it?

Hey, don't you start that!

[Lea pushes off the mast and drops down to look at Roxas. This he can say with sincerity.]

I didn't say any of that. There's not anything you can't ask me for, okay? I mean it.

[He does, too. Even if it's something he doesn't want.]

You said you can't baby me and he's babying me. I don't understand what any of that means. That's what my relationship with him is like Lea.

[He frowns a little bit, but he just nods.]

Look I won't say anything else about this. I don't know what else to say.

[He'll smile for Lea, he'll make it be okay because if this is how things are, it's how they are. He could certainly find a way to deal with his emotions alone so Lea wouldn't think he was being selfish about it. He gives him a weak smile, but it's all he can muster right now. See Lea? Everything's fine. They can go on like he didn't have that tattoo on the back of his neck, they can go on like he's not upset.

Maybe, if he's lucky, he'll forget.]

[Lea sits back on his heels and rubs at his forehead. It isn't so much what Marco did, more the intent and sentiment behind it, but explaining it to Roxas is going to be pretty much impossible, especially if he's shutting down like this. Better to just abandon that angle and try something different.]

See, this is when he'd give you a big hug and pat you on the head and tell you it's alright and that he'll listen when you're ready and go get you some candy or something. Me, I'm gonna poke you in the face and tell you to stop faking happy for me.

[He sighs.]

I don't know what you want Lea. I just don't know.

[As promised, Lea pokes him in the face.]

Join the club. You're not giving me much to work with, either.

[He sighs a little again and just looks at the deck of the crow's nest. He doesn't really have an answer for him.]

Just...just tell me what to do.

[That's exactly what Lea has been trying very hard not to do.]

Do what'll make you happy, whatever that is. Anything you need from me, you just ask for it, okay?

[He's still frowning though, it's all hard.]

Lea, I'm so confused. All of this, this whole fight, I'm so confused. I won't be sad anymore, okay? I won't be sad and, and I'll stay here and we'll be okay. So you don't have to worry about anything. I'll stop complaining. I'll stop hurting everyone. Is that what you want? Is that okay?

I'm tired of you being upset with me. I don't get it all but I guess it doesn't matter. I can stop bothering you.

I'm empty in here. [He taps his chest.] I bet I can turn it off somehow. So...so stop telling me to leave you. Okay? If you want me to I will. I'll go sail by myself, but...

[Lea places his hands on Roxas' cheeks and squishes them a bit, leaning in with a scowl.]

Listen, Roxas, geez. I'm not telling you to pretend like everything's okay. I'm telling you to do what you need to do to make everything okay. If you don't know what that is and you need help, then you ask. You can't stop worrying me or upsetting me or bothering me because I care about you and that means those things are gonna happen. They're gonna happen even more if you do something stupid like going off on your own. When did I ever say you should do that? All I said was that you should go back with the Spades if it would make you happier. That's all I want for you, okay? For you to be happy.

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