high_seas | (no subject)

[Wait, what?

He'd thought this was going well!

Shit shit shit shit--]

Am I what?

[He can't help when his fingers dig in just a bit, tightening against the wet fabric covering Anders' hips, holding on. He'll let go if Anders explicitly tells him to, but he hasn't said anything like that yet, so for now he'll just be hanging on.]

[He stops when Hawke holds onto him, not willing to force himself away just yet. He looks down, though, his expression clearly unsure.]

You should probably find Isabela instead.

[All that romping with Isabela's was bound to come round and bite him in the ass. He should have known. If he could go back in time and punch his past self in the dick right now, he'd do it.]

That's not...

[What even is he wanting to say. Everything is so obvious to him in his own mind, but putting it to words is something else entirely.]

I'm not just looking for a quick fuck, Anders.

[...that was not as eloquent as he would have liked. Uh.]

Isabela is a good friend, but that's all she is, and that's how we both want it.

[Better...maybe.]

[Anders just shakes his head, because that isn't it.

Okay, maybe that's partially it. He's been jealous, sure. Before Surana and Leliana joined them, he'd been alone in the crew quarters at night, whenever Hawke and Isabela had spent the night together, and the sounds travelled easily on the small ship. But it really didn't matter, either.

...Okay, it did. Eloquent or not, Hawke's words were making his heart beat faster, and he was trying his best to ignore it.]

That's not why.

[He really would have thought it'd be obvious.]

Maybe it's easier to forget now we're not in Kirkwall, but I've chosen a different path. With Justice.

Edited 2014-03-17 06:09 (UTC)

I haven't forgotten.

[Okay, so, Anders isn't actively pulling away, and he's trying to explain himself, which Hawke takes to mean that he's not simply outright opposed to Hawke's flirtation and all that implies. There's just a stumbling block in the way.

A giant, glowy-blue no-fun spirit-shaped stumbling block, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's insurmountable.]

Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see why Justice and companionship have to be mutually exclusive.

So I should drag you into all of this?

[Anders frowns. Hawke is stubborn, but even he has to see that the life Anders has chosen isn't one where you can just settle down somewhere and be happy. In fact, everything Anders is means that has always been an impossibility.]

Hawke... I can't give you what you're looking for. Not anymore.

I'm not exactly sure how you're "dragging" me into anything if I'm here of my own free will.

[Ugh ugh ugh...this is so...stupid. This isn't how this is supposed to go. He refuses to believe it. If Anders wanted Hawke to leave him alone, Hawke is sure he would just tell him so, outright.

So, he shuffles a bit closer, returning the distance between them to the narrow gap it had been before Anders had tried to pull away. He flexes his fingers briefly against Anders' hips, picking up the warming spell from where it had trailed off in his distraction.]

...I don't think you truly believe that.

[You wouldn't be making that face otherwise, Anders. 8(]

[Oh, Hawke. You really are too good to him. Far more so than he deserves.

Maybe he should just be honest.]

I nearly killed an innocent girl.

[A while ago for him now, but from what he can tell Hawke doesn't remember.]

[...Uh. What? He was not expecting this conversation to go...there.]

When was this?

A while ago. Or at least it feels like it. Did I tell you about Ser Alrik yet?

You haven't.

[Oh, good. More future stuff he ought to know about but doesn't because it hasn't happened for him yet.]

He... had a solution. To magic. He wanted to turn all mages tranquil, and he'd been taking them from the Circle and putting them through the rite.

[It's difficult to keep the anger from his voice even as he says it. There are too many Templars like him, and too many willing to turn a blind eye. But he clenches his fists briefly and then continues.]

I came to you for help. We found him with another mage he'd just brought. Justice came out and I-- I nearly killed her.

[The horror Hawke feels upon hearing the first part of Anders' explanation is pretty clear on his expression. His fingers tighten briefly on Anders's hips, both in reaction to the story and in an effort to provide some sort of support.]

Nearly.

[That's important. Let's focus on that.]

What stopped you? Was it me?

[He nods at that.]

If you hadn't been there...

But I was.

[Even as a dickbag warrior-type. That's actually kind of a relief to hear.]

And I want to be. Right here.

[Just in case that needed any clarification.]

[He hesitates again. He so wants to just accept what Hawke is offering.]

And if I can't control this?

Let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

If we come to it.

[he frowns again.]

You're still pursuing this, even knowing I nearly killed someone?

"Nearly."

I was able to talk you down once. If need be, I'll just do it again.

[Anders swallowed. All he could think about was the possibility of it not working - of Hawke being unable to talk him down at all - and he felt his stomach clench painfully. If it came to that... Well, it would be easier if Hawke wasn't too attached.]

And if you can't, Hawke?

[could you live with that?]

What did I just say about bridges, Anders?

[Would kissing him help? He's starting to think it might. If Anders keeps saying stupid things, he'll do it.]

I don't want to hurt you, Hawke.

[And that's why he's been resisting this for so long.]

That's good enough for me.

[And this is Hawke leaning in for a kiss. Will it work???]

[He tenses, at first. Hawke is taking all of this too lightly, and he wants - no, needs - to make him understand, but...

Then there's the soft touch of Hawke's lips against his own, the slight scrape of his beard. He exhales slowly, tightening his grip against Hawke's arms, and truthfully he was never going to resist. When he kisses back, it's needy and sloppy, because he's held back for months now. He can't anymore.

And the truth is he didn't really want Hawke to change his mind, either.]

Edited 2014-03-18 18:44 (UTC)

[For a split second Hawke thinks he might have misjudged the situation and made a mistake, but then Anders is returning the kiss, and it's sloppy and enthusiastic. Hawke's response is no less sloppy, and somewhere in the back of his mind he knows they must look a sight, but he's far too involved in dueling tongues and narrowly avoiding smashing teeth and noses together to care. For a beautiful, perfect moment he no longer feels the chill of the night air or the wet of the rain - there's only the warmth of Anders' spell and Anders' body, which causes him to shiver in a way that has nothing to do with the cold.]