Who: The Spade Pirates Where: Serenes When: April 10th-13th What:chillin' out maxin relaxin all cool Gathering supplies Warnings: Nothing more than the usual Status: Open
[He feels an eyebrow twitch at Marco's words. Adding another son?]
It's then a good thing that he wouldn't get to do so even if he came here.
[The frown increases with the next question, not out of annoyance but of confusion, mostly. What he wants to do? Is there such a thing?]
Follow Ace and you to whatever end there is, I suppose. I've never really considered wanting to do something other than protect my brothers even back home. I've nothing there, and there's even less here unless it's you two and the crew.
[Though admittedly it's mostly Ace and Marco. And Thatch and Namur by extension, everyone else, could be changed by anyone as far as he cares.]
I guess so. You don't really have time to have dreams of your own when you have a baby brother to look after, unless your dreams are to see his dreams come true.
[A pause.]
Though I don't know anymore what my brother's dreams are, or the dreams of my other brothers. It doesn't really matter though, I will just help when they need me until they achieve whatever that is.
I'm not sure what Ace's dream is, but I also want to help him with achieving it. I'm part of the crew so I don't need permission for that from you or the others, right?
[Ikki hums. It's true, even now that he's almost at his breaking point, he wants to protect the crew. That's why he's not burning this place. Why he simply tried to warn Selphie and then went away, and will continue doing the same until she finally gets the idea in that brain of hers. He will protect them, even if he wouldn't mind killing someone or burning everyone together with this island, he will kill himself before he does that... And he promised Marco to not do it.]
I know you have no issues with me wanting to protect the crew. But I just thought maybe you wouldn't like that some other phoenix also tries to support Ace besides that. Since he's your little brother.
[He falls silent for another moment and then, he starts to sing softly. Despite his conviction about being a horrible singer he's quite good, not capable of making a living out of that, sure, but he doesn't need to. All he needed to do with his singing was to soothe a crying baby after all, and it always worked.]
Lullaby and good night. In the sky stars are bright, may the moons silvery beams bring you sweet dreams.
Close your eyes now and rest, may these hours be blessed. Til the sky's bright with dawn, when you wake with a yawn.
Lullaby and good night, you are your brother's delight. I'll protect you from harm and you'll wake in my arms...
[Rubs his face into the back of Ikki's head in thought.]
When I was much younger, I didn't want to share Pops. I thought it would mean he'd be taken away from me and I'd be alone again. But he explained then that love isn't something anyone can take away. It just grows. And the more of us there were, and the more he had to share me with my brothers, and I him with them, the more we all could learn to love each other.
It sounded nonsensical and confusing then, but a lot of things Pops said back then were over my head.
Ace is your little brother too, and I am deeply honored to have your help in making sure he will make his dreams come true.
Funny, I have never really seen it that way. Then again, I never had to share anything... Well, there's Shun, but the people who wanted him did intend to keep us separated so it's definitively not the same. Even so, I'm so used to being the older brother that I don't think I would take well someone just arriving and stepping on my toes, no matter how good their intentions.
You're really hung on the idea that he and the others are my brothers too, aren't you? Does that mean that if Shun or the others end here you'll give a hand with them since they will be brothers as well?
[The last part is almost said with humor, not considering that Marco would give a positive answer.]
Nah, too much of a bother. But don't complain if some of them protest... I don't even know if they know that we're brothers. I only told Seiya and I don't know if he told the others or not... So you could get weird looks and complains from all of them except for Shun and Seiya, who are also the youngest so could be convinced even if they had issues with it.
[He can't really see Shiryu and much less Hyoga, being okay with it, though. He doesn't even think they would want to join the Spades even if he's in the crew... Or maybe that would be the reason why they wouldn't want to join. And the Gold Saints were even less likely to accept it even in the brother-in-arms sense.]
Not all forms of brotherly protection are the same as how I look after Ace and you.
Ace needs more attention, and after he left to avenge Blackbeard, I have all the more reason to want to give him that. And you still have a lot to learn about the universe for a phoenix.
[Pokes Ikki's cheeks playfully with his wingtips.]
So young, yoi.
And since this forest has me unnervingly honest, I am soaking in every chance I can get to figure out what it means to be a phoenix and not just Marco too while I'm at it, eh?
So maybe they'd get more free reign. Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they'd be like Namur. That's the nice thing about having so many brothers. They all look after each other too.
Yeah, yeah, sorry for having taken thousands of years to have been born, it's not my fault the procedures were so slow and no one got the memo that I had to be there earlier.
[Deadpan. And who said he wanted to learn about the universe anyway?]
Figure out what it means to be a phoenix? What, does that mean the old man Marco, the crown weaver, doesn't know?
[He's quiet for a moment, tilting his head to think about how to put it all to words. Even phoenix words.]
There are a lot of instincts I don't always understand. A lot of things I know aren't the same as my brothers, but I never even had any other bird-people in my world to compare with.
It's easy to say my desire to be alone is a phoenix thing, but without any other phoenixes, what does that really mean? It could just be a Marco thing.
Even now, I'm glad that Thatch ate his darkness fruit because it means I can see what is us, the fruits, or other.
[Another head tilt and Marco thinks it all through even more.]
Hn, I get what you mean. I always thought most of those things were just me, and that there wasn't any relation with being a phoenix.
[He looks up, arching an eyebrow.]
I don't think there's anything that you can't ask me.
[With others he has several things he doesn't want to talk about or share or just be asked about. Marco, however, pretty much has a free pass, because as he has said, talking with him helps him figure things of himself as well.]
[He shifts and moves his feet so that one is on either side of Ikki's shoulders, ready to grab him as needed, even though it means letting his tail feathers down carefully.]
[Where does he begin?]
[All the pain.]
[He had told Ikki that sometimes you can't always protect someone from being hurt... and lord is that ever true.]
[But did it get both Ikki and Selphie more hurt than necessary? More hurt than it would have otherwise?]
[He's still dizzy in the forest. The constant force of life's will exerting its dominance throws his sense of balance out the window, and it creates a push right back of the other side, the undercurrent of it all.]
[His Pops would want him to be happy, but until now that always just meant fighting for his Pops and the family.]
[In his own world, the endless war will rage on, and even though he doesn't see a way out, the one thing he does know is--]
[Nico Robin lies at the heart of so much of it. Ace's little brother's assassin. Former ally and enemy of a mutual enemy: Crocodile. Someone the whole world would see as a threat, much like his Pops was seen.]
[Wasn't that something he shouldn't touch?]
[He should stay professional.]
[But he doesn't know how.]
[Is it a phoenix thing, an Ikki thing, a Marco thing, a pirate thing, a politics thing?]
[But in this place, didn't he have freedom?]
There's a woman I've vowed to never hurt.
Or at least, as minimally as possible.
[Somethings will always hurt, he told Selphie. It's just a matter of what hurts least.]
But it seems I can't even speak to her right anymore. Everything I mean gets muddied and misunderstood, and then we don't talk about what I meant to or I--
[Tragic heroine was the way Natsuno described Shimizu. He really seemed to hate her. And Selphie said the difference was that Marco would never let a woman see the full rage in him, and light, if he could avoid it, that was true. He hopes he always can.]
Thatch hates it. He knows I'll always make sure that the pain falls on me, and he hates that.
[Another reason Marco couldn't bring it up with him.]
I wanted her to promise me something before I could engage her in a romantic relationship.
[This fucking forest. Sorrow careens through Marco all at once. Like he's lost, but luckily, he's not alone, and he mentally throws up a wing to block it all out. Ikki's there. He's not alone. Ikki understands. He's not alone.]
So that I never reached a point where she got so hurt I could never forgive myself, I wanted to know if she was strong enough to stop me. I wonder if I phrased it wrong. She and Ace thought I was just too chicken to ask her out on a single date, but that's not the case at all.
[Selphie's weak-hearted plea explaining she wasn't strong enough racks through his brain again, but strangely, it bolsters Marco's courage. This is important.]
Is it asking too much?
I told you how the stakes are so high. My brothers are involved in the stakes. Her crew, mine, the world's politics itself are part of it all. And I... just want to walk away. Fold out. The stakes are too high, I don't play like that.
[So then why bother? High rewards or not, it was too dangerous. And Marco was cautious.]
But I can't pretend to stay in the game with a hand this good if I don't at least try.
[Because his inaction could hurt her just as much as trying.]
I told Selphie too late to at least hold her own. I won't let any of my nakama crumple like paper without at least trying, eh?
[He looks up at the stars thinking hard. Robin is sharp, but there's so much they don't know or understand. About each other, people in general, it's complicated.]
It's not enough, but maybe if I could get that through to her...
[If he tried again, sat her down over coffee and after flying to explain in under no uncertain terms not to treat him like a mind reader. Like someone who knew what to do every time and therefore obviously purposely did things wrong and --]
[Maybe it's wishful thinking.]
[Maybe it's a lost cause.]
[He has a straight, he could try for a flush, but the other players are unknown and he usually always plays it safe.]
[But safe isn't good enough.]
[She and Ace kept saying to go all the way, but they didn't know. They didn't understand the stakes.]
[How Marco would always make sure that when they fall, he lands on the bottom to cushion it for her.]
[How sometimes just getting that close to someone, no matter how strong they are will hurt.]
[It always hurts.]
[And the stakes are so high.]
[Marco lightly bites a strand of Ikki's hair in his beak. Careful not to tug it, just quietly holding it, like he did to Thatch's sometimes when he started to braid it.]
I'm sorry.
[He wishes Ikki wasn't hurt. Inevitable or not, risks were awful. They never worked out well. He told Ace how risks always failed him. Garp punched him. And then Ace thought he was just more scared of asking Robin on a date than even of his Grandfather. It wasn't that at all. Asking her out on a date was easy. But it wasn't enough. He'd told Robin that too, but he still suspected she didn't understand.]
[No one ever understood.]
[Did Selphie? She said she wasn't strong enough to understand, so maybe not, but it wasn't a matter of strength. It just was.]
[Maybe some things couldn't be understood.]
[Marco quietly starts braiding a strand of Ikki's hair.]
[It's so foolish anyway. Why is he always so determined to keep playing this game? Hand after hand. It was well out of his comfort zone, but he couldn't check out either. His brothers were counting on him and he was the best at bluffing.]
[Maybe that's why it's so out of his comfort zone. Robin is someone who finds the truth. Lying isn't a defense against her. So how can he protect her? He doesn't even know how to protect her from himself -- and with his luck, the minute he tried to tell her, she'd probably think he meant physically not emotionally or mentally.]
[People are confusing.]
[You don't show them your bad sides, or they get burned. But how could he trust her not to get burned then?]
[Why bother why bother...]
[Sometimes he wished he was as reckless as Ace. Able to run off to hunt Blackbeard because someone had to. Able to risk everything for the sake of emotions.]
I want to try.
To show my brothers it's okay.
[That they can all be free here. That nothing can hold them back, hold them down. That even though things were bad for Ikki with Selphie, no one has to give up.]
But there's another piece I can't see. It's not that I want a guarantee that everything will work out. [He's already sure it won't, but he'll make it fun for her as long as he can.] But how do I tell her how and when to put me in my place? Should I? Is there something else I should say instead?
[Ikki can only properly relax in a volcano, it's the only place where he will manage to get all his defenses down, because normally no one would go there. And even if someone did they would be either an ally or an enemy and even them would be affected by it negatively while he was enhanced. Ever since he arrived to this world, he has only been able to relax once, the rest of the time, the majority of it, he's tense.
The island makes it worse. Not just his mind, his own body rejects this place. He has never felt so tense, every muscle in his being is at the edge of snapping, ready to explode, ready to start a chain of destruction even if he chose to not use his Cosmo. And it hurts, it hurts to be so tense, mentally and physically, it drives him up the wall even more than he is already and there's nothing he can do about it.
He had thought he couldn't get even more tense than he was without his body just breaking due the tension.
Marco proves him wrong and while he listens in silence and with attention, he can feel his body tensing even more. He starts to boil, he wants to explode so much, he wants to destroy everything and everyone. His previous meeting with Selphie replays on his mind and he's just so close to snapping and going to find her and break her head. But he doesn't want to do that, he would die before that, because no matter what she's a crewmate and he will protect her. If he could go back to the past... Maybe he would do it, or at least stop himself from giving in. He shouldn't have. Marco had the best intentions, but he had been wrong, so wrong, not even sending him to talk with her first had helped on that day. And then even when he gave in again, even when he made himself feel like a whore or a puppet for doing so... She had gone off to chase after Aya and then...
He shakes his head, chasing away the thoughts. There's no point to think about that. It only makes him boil more, it only makes him hate her more. Part of him wants to tell Marco to give up on that woman, to ignore it and move on. Phoenixes don't do well with other people, they always get burned and destroyed. No one is strong enough, no one can understand, not even with two phoenixes trying to explain it. There's nothing Marco can do that will keep her from getting hurt, from getting him hurt and to hate himself. And when everything is over, when all there's left are just ashes, he won't even have good memories to refuge in, because there won't be any "good times". There weren't with Selphie, the "good times" they had were before he gave in. And even they were too few.
He doesn't want Marco to be hurt, he doesn't want Marco to hurt someone else. He doesn't want Marco to hate himself more than he does.
He really doesn't get why Marco insists on playing. It wasn't just that there were high risks, there was just no gain, even if he managed to somehow avoid all the risks, what would come from it? Even if it managed to work out between him and that woman... What would that mean? What would that change? It would only last for as long as they are in this world, and if they never get to return... She will eventually wither and die. What will be of Marco then? What will be of Marco when the last of his brothers die even back in his world? When so much time has passed that the name of "Whitebeard" won't be more than just a legend? A story told to scare the childrens or to inspire them depending on who tells it?
Why insist on being close to people when he knows that at the end even if he wins all the hands in the game, all that there is is him sitting alone in a table, playing by himself?
And at the same time another part wants to tell him to give it a try, say that it's fine, that just because it didn't work for him it doesn't mean anything. That maybe Marco's woman will be different, will be better than Selphie. To go and tell that woman exactly what he's telling him, to ask her to put him in place if she feels he's being too much, to hand her a fire extinguisher to use before she gets burned so it can work out for a while and leave without wounds once it's over. But it's the same part that told him that it was fine to give in to Selphie, to give her a chance. And it had been wrong.]
I don't...
[His voice is strangled, he struggles to get it out because it's too much. He doesn't want to talk, he wants to scream, yell in agony, anger and hate, make the whole island be swallowed in a tornado of fire. But he can't do that and he has to speak, Marco waits for an answer, for something. So he battles himself to get the words across.]
I don't think that's asking for too much. You know you can hurt her so you want to try to make it better, so that it never happens or that if it happens she will be somehow protected. So it won't be that bad.
I don't think that's strange or weird to ask her to do that. To not crumble and cry if it gets bad but to fight back before she wants to do that. No matter how strong or confident she feels, I think she should be able to do that if she's really interested. If she really wants to play this game.
[Assuming that she really wants to, that she's not fooling herself and creating this mental image of Marco that she expects he will adhere to. That she can see what she's getting into instead of thinking that this is like one of those romantic novels, that behind that exterior there's something else, that the warnings are just a way to act tough and hide the truth. That she can go and reach for the fire and that it will be just a painting that she can rip to get inside.]
But I don't get it.
Why do you insist on playing this game. No matter how good your hand is, or how well you think you can bluff your way through... The stakes are too high, the risks are too many and all for what? There's nothing to gain. You won't get anything no matter how long you stay on it, or how many rounds you win.
I don't get it.
You can say that being with people makes it better all you want, you can repeat what your father said all you want. You can go around claiming as brothers anyone you want, you could go and make every living being in the world your family and it wouldn't change the fact that we'll gain nothing for playing this shit. At the end of it, everyone gets hurt, everyone is burned by our flames or gets swallowed up whole by the world.
At the end of it all, even if you win all the hands, even if it works out with that woman, even if your brothers can be free and have full happiness here... At the end, it will still be just you. Everyone will leave. Even if you go and grab new people, even if you drag them to play the game with you, sooner or later it's just you sitting alone in that table playing by yourself. And you will have nothing to prove that there was ever someone there playing with you. So why do you insist? Why did you say that it was okay?
I want you to try, but I can't believe that it will ever be fine or okay. It's not okay, it's never okay. And I can't see why it's worth it. We're going to end all alone and there's nothing we can do to change it, so why bother with people? Do you really think that you can make it so that you won't end empty and hurting inside when it's all over?
[That's an answer that comes easily. Marco was getting ready to throw himself as big as when fighting Kizaru, to absorb everything Ikki could throw if needed and then some, but it never came. So much like him, if he hadn't found Whitebeard, if he'd been a touch more like Ace, if if if...]
Because I've already been empty.
[It's so easy.]
[Ikki had Shun. His whole time, just like Ace had Luffy.]
[But before Whitebeard? There was nothing.]
[And if anything Blackbeard's black holes remind him of it. Trying to return him to that point. Because there really was nothing.]
You protect Shun. And now you have me, Ace, and this crew.
Even knowing one day you'll lose them, can you give up?
I've seen that darkness already Ikki. There's nothing there.
I have something to lose now, aye, but only because I gained enough to reach here in the first place.
[He remembers what Thatch told him when they first tried to enter the forest, before Thatch and Marco started having panic attacks from it all. He shifts his feet again to curl completely around the front of Ikki's chest.]
[So much pain.]
I won't let you go back to that darkness. No matter how much pain we endure, nothing is ever as bad as that.
[And it's true really. Even if he does hurt Robin, even if he does wind up hating himself, if she lived in that cold isolation alone, it'd be worse. At least she has nakama, at least he has nakama. And yes, it means trusting both their nakama to be strong enough to deal with it no matter what, but to do anything else is to move backwards. And Marco's never going back there again.]
Why are we in this forest now even though we hate it? Even though it hurts? Because that's who we are. I don't care if no one, but you ever understands it, you're still one more than I ever could have asked for or dreamed of.
[Because it was better than dreams. Better than his own damn imagination. Better than any expectations.]
There's a poem, my Pops loves. No man is an island. It means everyone is connected, and we all affect each other like it or not. Pops knew it better than anyone in the universe I think. That's why he was so much like his earthquakes. He understood how the tiny ripples could effect everything hundreds of leagues away. People too. When I panicked at Marineford, Jozu lost his arm to Aokiji, an admiral in this world now. Because Jozu got scared for me when I was scared for Pops. Whatever we do, whatever we do, it will always cause extra ripples. But that doesn't mean we can give up, because even that has ripples.
Instead, we have to try to place our ripples as best as we can. I'm not as wise as Pops so I don't know how everything will carry on. There are always so many angles and hidden pieces, and misleading turns.
[He thinks for a long moment, looking off into the distance of the forest, and then up at the sky again.]
I have never once thought I had much to gain with Robin. I can only see it ending in hell, but thank you my brother. I must try. It was never the end I needed to be concerned about.
[It's himself. Robin wouldn't want him hurt, and crew rifts would only happen if he's not strong enough. Ikki wasn't able to protect himself and Selphie didn't even know how much she was devastating him. It helps. It's terrible and awful, and it helps. Because now Marco knows exactly what to say and how to say it. Before his pride would have gotten in the way, but now, he can see the step that he can take first instead of just straight up trying to fly the sheer cliff, it's okay to take the first step on the way, especially when he's been going this slowly.]
[At the end, even voicing his own doubts, his lack of faith... Marco is ready and willing to try.
And that's good. Marco is older, so much older, Ikki doesn't even dare to think of how old he must be. Of how many times he may have gone through the full phoenix cycle even before meeting Whitebeard. Marco knows more, even if there are still things that escape him, things that they will never be able to get because of who they are... Maybe, maybe he can make it work for a while and get an ending that isn't so terrible. Or at least one that doesn't override everything else.
Ikki hadn't been able to. Since the very start, all he had done was ruin everything. He had tried. Always keeping an eye on Selphie. Keeping his promises to her in mind, trying to fulfill them to show her that he didn't forget, that he didn't just made those promises without real intention of keeping them. He had tried to give her room when he felt that it was better that way, that if he was too much over her she would burn and asphyxiate because of the flames. He really had tried. But none of that had been enough, none of what he did was the "right" thing to do.
Focusing on their promise had made him ignore something that hadn't been planned and she had been angry at him, hurt. Giving her space had only made her think that he didn't care for her. Giving her the freedom to decide had only given her a blank card that she had filled with breaking up, with him not caring, not loving her, not wanting to try anything for her. It was no wonder that she ended running to someone else's arms with a little excuse given by this world and while they were still "together". He knew she would all along, but he had allowed himself to believe that it wouldn't happen.
It had been such a waste of time and energy. He doesn't want to do it again, nor with her or anyone.
But Marco is different, he has more experience and knows exactly what he has to ask before even taking a step forward. Even if he's unsure or words may fail him, he knows. He won't just try, he will do it. That much, Ikki can believe in, even if he still can't see why it's worth it, why Marco would want to continue forward despite all the pain that came with it.
His arms move around Marco to hug him. It's childish, weak, such a vulnerable gesture. He hates it. But he needs it. He needs Marco close, because only he can soothe everything inside him. Only he understands, only he knows. The pain, the anger, the fear, the hate. No one else can get it, but Marco's right, it's alright even if that's the case. Because having Marco is indeed one more than what he would have ever had.]
I know.
I know that I'm privileged, that I'm lucky. I am a phoenix, but I was divided in half before I was even born, I was incomplete until I obtained my Cloth. It was a miracle that Shun was born, that I got to keep him... They tried to take him from me so many times, adults, gods, I still don't know how I managed to keep him with me all that time. I know that I was never empty because I had him, I never even felt that I was missing something because he filled everything with just his smile.
I never even realized how hard it really was for us during those years, not until later.
But I also know what's next. What's after all this.
[Not the same way Marco does, that's true and he would never dream to deny it. To try to compare his and Marco's pain, there's no point for it anyway, the pain comes from the same things even if they experienced it for different lengths of time. And if the time length was to really matter... It would still be silly to compare, Marco's much greater hands down.
But he still knows. He still saw it, peeked at the edge of the dark hole and tried to jump inside of it. If only...]
When Esmeralda died, when she was killed because of me, it was as if I lost everything for an instant. Because she wasn't supposed to be there, she was supposed to be safe, I was supposed to become a Saint and take her with me, bring her to the outside world where she could start anew, a real life. I wanted to help her rebirth in another place, without being a slave, even if she still worked as a servant somewhere, even if live was still hard and I had to leave her. I wanted to give her the chance.
But I couldn't. She went there when she shouldn't have, because of me, because she was worried about me. I destroyed her. And when she died in my arms I realized, that I couldn't save her, I couldn't protect someone who wasn't supposed to even be in danger. If I couldn't do that how could I protect someone who would be in danger? How was I supposed to go find and rescue Shun?
Then I learned about my father and everything hurt. Everything I had done since I was born had served for nothing but to hurt everyone. If I hadn't been born, Esmeralda wouldn't have died. If I hadn't stopped people from taking Shun away, maybe our father would have never found him, I could have lied, say that he died, say that he was never born. But I didn't and that ended leading him to this life. Even when I tried to save him from a horrible training all it served for was for him to be sent to an even worse place. And everything for what? For that man. For that brat that was given a pair of goddess shoes that she can't fill. From the start we were cursed. From the start all I did was destroy everything I tried to protect.
[His actions, his decisions. Everything was wrong, just like with Selphie. No matter how much he tries, how careful he tries to be. Everything he does is wrong, everything in him is wrong, from the very core. If only he hadn't been born. Even if it had been harder, wouldn't everyone have managed to achieve happiness at the end? What had he done that had served for anything good? Had he made any real difference that helped them? Had he saved anyone?
No. He hadn't. Not here, nor there. He had been the one to find and rescue Kairi but that became a moot point when she died later on anyway. And now, somehow Marco has the resolution to try and move forward, but even that will end in pain, even if it's lessened somehow. It would have been better if he didn't manage to help the other phoenix.]
I know what that emptiness is. Even if I haven't felt it directly, I know it. When I recovered my Cloth and the part of me, of the phoenix, that was there returned to me... I felt it. The emptiness that part had been buried in for years, centuries. Waiting for me, always waiting just for me and not knowing if I would ever arrive. And then... Everything stopped to hurt. I felt empty, as if I had become a dark hole and all the pain, hate and confusion was swallowed inside. For a moment, I was empty because of all those centuries that part of me had been alone and empty.
I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to be empty because then nothing hurts, there's nothing to miss, nothing to worry about. And I don't care if it's bad or what, if it's between all this pain and being empty, how could I not choose that? That's why I tried to kill them all, even Shun, I wanted to return there, to be all alone, nothing else mattered as long as I stopped feeling. It was even okay if they killed me, if they turned to hate me forever, even if they didn't die, I was okay with it as long as they left me.
As long as I was empty forever.
[If only they had listened. If only Selphie had listened. If only they had allowed him to do what he knew was the correct thing, he could have fixed the mistake that his birth was. He couldn't have make amends with the pain he had caused, all the things he had destroyed, but he can't do that now either. At least that way, he would have been able to avoid destroying even more.]
But they didn't. They didn't let me. They all almost died. I almost did it, Hyoga, Shun and Shiryu, their bodies were on the ground. And Seiya was still fighting, for them and for me. He didn't want to defeat me, he wanted me to go back to how I used to me. His friends were dying, he was dying and he still refused to give up on any of us. Because despite being cursed, despite being made just to destroy, somehow I'm so fucking lucky that I'm not allowed to be empty forever yet.
But that won't last. And that's why I don't get it. Why not let me just be empty from the start? If I was born to fight, if all I can do is destroy even when I try to not do it, wouldn't it be easier if I was empty from the start?
I know that it is bad. But at least there I wouldn't care about this place. I wouldn't care about Shun and Athena lost in the past alone. I wouldn't care about Athena being reduced to a baby because of another god. I wouldn't be angry and hurt because of what happened with Selphie. I wouldn't care about Kairi or Roxas' deaths. I wouldn't care about Seiya being stuck to a chair, dying slowly without us being able to do anything. Not Athena, nor me, even if she's a goddess and I'm the bird of rebirth, we can't do anything to save him.
Life would be so much easier if it was empty. I don't even deserve it not being empty when I was born just to destroy.
[Marco returns the hug, but switches back to human to give Ikki a more proper hug, a big brother hug holding the other phoenix safe for once. Poor Ikki, always had to be the one sacrificing himself, frustrated when anyone else tried for his sake, trying desperate to kick them away so they wouldn't do it when it was his job. He holds Ikki in his arms hard and just does his best to temper the flames he recognizes so well. Like Ace's. Burned, burned, and forever still burning.]
[When Thatch died, Marco doubted he ever could recover. And he knew worse was coming. Ace had run away, Whitebeard was dying, what was left? The rest of the crew, but it was a duty almost more than a joy.]
[Still. There are days like this. Days where he just winds up laughing at all. It's all so strange. Life, rebirth, the endless cycle. This forest drives him crazy. Every new life in this spring just reminds him of the millions of death that came before it. The deaths no one else can hear but another phoenix. Ace, Thatch, Natsuno, they're dead, so they feel it. The push. As if the forest wants to say your time is done. But it's never done, because Marco and Ikki will always carry it forward.]
You'd be nothing.
[He says it in human without realizing it at first, but it doesn't matter, it's the same thing.] And you're not nothing. You're Ikki, my little brother. Shun's big brother. The others' big brother. You're not nothing, because they desperately need a phoenix, and you're the only one strong enough.
[What does it mean to always hurt? That was Selphie's mistake. The more she started to realize how much he always hurt, the more she realized she couldn't take it away, of course it hurt.]
[Marco roughly holds his hug tighter.]
You don't cause their pain, you take it away. [Back to phoenix language, but it's the kind of thing that can't be said in human.] We're selfish. We want all the pain for ourselves. Isn't that why seeing Selphie hurt, hurt you so much more? Isn't that why it hurts you to watch them hurt and feel so helpless?
[Thatch called it selfish, Marco's masochism. Thatch had always known. That's why he loves Thatch. That's why he needed Thatch so desperately. Marco would always want to absorb everyone else's pain, all of it, and never let them share it. And the more the others wanted him to share it, the more he'd refuse. It wasn't theirs to bear.]
[Even now a little, Thatch is still like that. The darkness devil fruit also takes a lot of pain, and Marco's well aware that he's so fucked up, he's glad Thatch has it. Because it means Thatch shares it with him again, no matter what the other wants.]
The empty nothingness is never better.
[He runs a hand through Ikki's hair, gently ruffling it in the way his Pops always did to him. He can't think of a more soothing gesture, and he doubts one will ever exist.]
[There wasn't life before Whitebeard, there was just nothing.]
[And even now though it hurts, it aches, and it burns, and it's nearly all sorrow and pain, it still is better than the nothing that came before. Even when he's mad and wants to rage at Ace and Thatch for leaving him, for forcing him to be the Captain he never wanted to be, for forcing him to protect the only family left, their dreams, their war, Pops' wars, the islands, all of it, even then, it's better than the nothing.]
Selphie wasn't burned because you tried. Selphie got burned because Selphie tried.
I admire you really. I've never let a woman see that much of me. I've never even let Thatch! The closest I came was how much he saw on his own. You were brave. And I'm sorry Ikki, I'm sorry it hurts.
[He quietly shooshes his brother, and keeps ruffling the hair.] I don't know what will come. One day, it all may return to dust. Isn't that what happens?
But look at this island. Dust or not, it has too many cycles ahead of it for us to jump that far. That's why we hate it. One cycle at a time. We'll just take it one cycle at a time. One season, one day, one cycle.
Someday all my brothers will be gone, and their children, and their children's children, and by then I really hope I can be finished, but for now, let's just go to the next day. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but we won't know if we don't get there, yoi.
[He wished Ikki could turn into a bird form, so that it was his turn to carry him. That was why Thatch was always carrying him as a bird. So Marco could just breathe sometimes and let someone else do the carrying. Tomorrow, Marco thinks, he'll make Ace do the carrying. Ace wants to be captain, and Marco has to help him do it. But tonight, Marco wants to carry them all, because his shoulders are broad enough and his flames are bright enough.]
[He tenses at the hug, even if he was the one who initiated it, his initial reaction, his primal response is to fight it. Because he's not one to be hugged. He's not used to it, not since he was a kid and then Shun was too little so the hugging still fell mostly on his part. Him giving a hug, even if he needs it and initiates it, can be disguised as him comforting the other, no one has to see that he needs it. No one gets to see his weakness. Accepting a hug like that, though, especially from Marco, feels as if he's admitting a weakness. Saying that he can't do it alone, that he needs Marco to protect him.
And that's the last thing he wants. Marco has enough protecting everyone else, he doesn't have to add Ikki to it. He doesn't have to be Ikki's shield too. Ikki wants to be Marco's shield even if it's a small one, so Marco can shield the rest. Because Ikki can't, his shields aren't strong or big, they are just an illusion, but one he's going to cling to forever. Because if he doesn't, what kind of phoenix would he be?
It takes a bit, when Marco turns back into human and hugs him, Ikki's arms actually move away from the other and he tenses. Ready to push, ready to refuse, to try to be strong. But then Marco starts to talk and it just hurt too much. So he hugs the other back, cursing his weakness, cursing his mistakes, his failures, cursing the island for pushing him so much, cursing Selphie and Athena and Seiya.
He knows, he knows that the nothingness isn't better. But it's so tempting. It's so tiring. He doesn't shoulder a family like Marco does, but his burden isn't that lighter, he fights for Athena. He fights for the world. For all the Esmeraldas he doesn't know but that exist, for all the children who are abandoned, who have nothing in the world and receive nothing but suffering and pain for having been born. For all the brothers he had and wasn't able to protect, wasn't given the chance to protect. For all the girls who are put to fill the role of a goddess and fight in all those wars. He has fought against gods, they stopped Hades, but that doesn't stop the pain, the death. All they truly achieved was to delay the death of everything and to leave the souls without a place to go to.
What happens now to the souls of the people who die? What happened to the souls of those who were dead? He repeats to himself that it's okay, that it doesn't matter, it's better this way because after all Hades didn't allow any souls to go to Elyseum. Everyone was tortured and punished eternally, even Esmeralda, so it's better this way. Whatever happens to them can't be worse than eternal torture for stepping on an ant.
But deep down, he knows it's not.]
I wasn't brave. I was an idiot. I should have never trusted her, I should have never believed it when you both said that it would be okay. She wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough or good enough for her, from the very start.
There's nothing to admire in me. You have lost people, but you still have many of the ones you intend to protect.
I only keep losing people. I only keep making everything worse. We protected the world from complete destruction, but now souls have nowhere to go, and trillions of souls were lost when the afterlife was destroyed when we defeated Hades. Our brothers, our friends, our mentors, we keep losing them no matter what.
I'm weak.
[How can he claim that he protects people when they keep slipping in between his fingers? Marco has lost people, not just Thatch, Ace and Whitebeard, many others, Ikki knows that. But he has managed to protect many as well, he shoulders it all, he is their shield. But Ikki... Ikki is no one's shield.
He's nothing but a pathetic phoenix. And it's only to Marco to whom he admits it, because Marco is a real phoenix, what Ikki should be. What he will never be.
Even so, he still has pride to frown at the piggyback comment and look embarrassed at it.]
A piggyback? Wouldn't you prefer me to carry you in bird form?
Next time, I'll try to find a way to turn you into a bird form or something, but for now, this is good enough, eh.
[He turns around and picks Ikki up despite the protests. Because he knows. Because he's been there, but at least he had Thatch, at least he had Whitebeard, he could never have done it without them. And whatever Ikki says, Marco doesn't care, because he knows it must have been so much harder without them. It must have hurt so much more, and it's time he doesn't have to hurt so much.]
You were very brave.
[He carries him through the forest, glowing blue because no matter what, it's a comforting light and he knows it. And he wants it there to protect Ikki, from the forest, from his own dark thoughts, from everything. So he casts it all over.]
You were very brave, and very strong, and it hurts because sometimes just being brave and strong isn't enough. Believe me, I know. I've seen that too. Ace is always both, but he still died, eh? She didn't get hurt because you were weak, or not enough, she got hurt because she got very close, very fast, and neither of you had anyway to pull back. That's what scares me about Robin. I'll never know how to pull back. If she doesn't keep me away, how will I know? But it's okay. It's okay because even though it hurts, you tried. You tried and you gave and gave and gave. And you tried hard. Even if no one else ever knows how hard you tried, I know. I know, okay? And it's okay now.
[He shifts Ikki's weight and ruffles his head with one free hand before going back to carrying him.]
Even if it still hurts for a long time, that hurt is proof of how you tried. Our scars are never the kind people can see, and sometimes they don't think they're there. But they're there. [That's why he wore a bandage to his Pops' funeral. No one else could see his scars, but they were there.]
I might lose all my brothers well before their time. Back in my world there's thousands I have to protect, but we're outnumbered. I don't know what to do really. I'm going to keep trying, but I can't protect it all. Even if I could be everywhere at once, there are some things even I can't face. They'll all try to protect me too, and that's even harder to bear. All I can do is hope. Maybe a chance will come, and then I can take it. Maybe I can kill Akainu and avenge Ace. Maybe I can kill Teach and avenge everyone. Maybe I can kill Kaidou. Maybe, maybe, maybe. There's so many pieces, so many threads, even I can't master them all. So I can only keep trying. Fighting to give my best. Take moments like these just to breathe because it's what my Pops would want. He can't tell me what to do anymore, and I'm still mad at him for dying, because it's childish and petty, but that way it stings less, eh? But the older part of me, the better part of me knows I should take these moments too.
It's easier when I remember I have to take the moments so that the rest of my brothers, like Namur, know it's okay. So they will too. Because if I don't show them it's okay, they won't. They'll avoid it, because they're still so young, and so scared, and they have so much to fear. So the best I can do is show them that there are times they don't have to be afraid. That it's okay to laugh again, even though we'll cry more later.
Maybe I'll lose them all in their time. That will let me be done and rest. But if I don't, I'll keep fighting for every last one of them. Because they need me. And I know you'll fight for yours too, okay? Because you are who you are.
But for now, just rest. I've got you. You're strong, but even the world's strongest need to rest, need a friend, need nakama, need family. [Another gentle ruffle, and Marco goes back to singing again.]
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no subject
It's then a good thing that he wouldn't get to do so even if he came here.
[The frown increases with the next question, not out of annoyance but of confusion, mostly. What he wants to do? Is there such a thing?]
Follow Ace and you to whatever end there is, I suppose. I've never really considered wanting to do something other than protect my brothers even back home. I've nothing there, and there's even less here unless it's you two and the crew.
[Though admittedly it's mostly Ace and Marco. And Thatch and Namur by extension, everyone else, could be changed by anyone as far as he cares.]
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[Marco winds up softly.] I guess you really are that much like me, yoi.
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[A pause.]
Though I don't know anymore what my brother's dreams are, or the dreams of my other brothers. It doesn't really matter though, I will just help when they need me until they achieve whatever that is.
I'm not sure what Ace's dream is, but I also want to help him with achieving it. I'm part of the crew so I don't need permission for that from you or the others, right?
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You don't need permission. I'd expect you to follow through on that and protecting the whole crew no matter what. Because I trust you.
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I know you have no issues with me wanting to protect the crew. But I just thought maybe you wouldn't like that some other phoenix also tries to support Ace besides that. Since he's your little brother.
[He falls silent for another moment and then, he starts to sing softly. Despite his conviction about being a horrible singer he's quite good, not capable of making a living out of that, sure, but he doesn't need to. All he needed to do with his singing was to soothe a crying baby after all, and it always worked.]
Lullaby and good night.
In the sky stars are bright,
may the moons silvery beams
bring you sweet dreams.
Close your eyes now and rest,
may these hours be blessed.
Til the sky's bright with dawn,
when you wake with a yawn.
Lullaby and good night,
you are your brother's delight.
I'll protect you from harm
and you'll wake in my arms...
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[Rubs his face into the back of Ikki's head in thought.]
When I was much younger, I didn't want to share Pops. I thought it would mean he'd be taken away from me and I'd be alone again. But he explained then that love isn't something anyone can take away. It just grows. And the more of us there were, and the more he had to share me with my brothers, and I him with them, the more we all could learn to love each other.
It sounded nonsensical and confusing then, but a lot of things Pops said back then were over my head.
Ace is your little brother too, and I am deeply honored to have your help in making sure he will make his dreams come true.
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You're really hung on the idea that he and the others are my brothers too, aren't you? Does that mean that if Shun or the others end here you'll give a hand with them since they will be brothers as well?
[The last part is almost said with humor, not considering that Marco would give a positive answer.]
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[He means it though. Marco's loyalty is expansive when he wants it to be, and even if he doesn't know them, he knows Ikki.]
[Ikki's goals and his own are too similar for him to bother trying to disentangle them.]
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[He can't really see Shiryu and much less Hyoga, being okay with it, though. He doesn't even think they would want to join the Spades even if he's in the crew... Or maybe that would be the reason why they wouldn't want to join. And the Gold Saints were even less likely to accept it even in the brother-in-arms sense.]
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Not all forms of brotherly protection are the same as how I look after Ace and you.
Ace needs more attention, and after he left to avenge Blackbeard, I have all the more reason to want to give him that. And you still have a lot to learn about the universe for a phoenix.
[Pokes Ikki's cheeks playfully with his wingtips.]
So young, yoi.
And since this forest has me unnervingly honest, I am soaking in every chance I can get to figure out what it means to be a phoenix and not just Marco too while I'm at it, eh?
So maybe they'd get more free reign. Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they'd be like Namur. That's the nice thing about having so many brothers. They all look after each other too.
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[Deadpan. And who said he wanted to learn about the universe anyway?]
Figure out what it means to be a phoenix? What, does that mean the old man Marco, the crown weaver, doesn't know?
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[He's quiet for a moment, tilting his head to think about how to put it all to words. Even phoenix words.]
There are a lot of instincts I don't always understand. A lot of things I know aren't the same as my brothers, but I never even had any other bird-people in my world to compare with.
It's easy to say my desire to be alone is a phoenix thing, but without any other phoenixes, what does that really mean? It could just be a Marco thing.
Even now, I'm glad that Thatch ate his darkness fruit because it means I can see what is us, the fruits, or other.
[Another head tilt and Marco thinks it all through even more.]
Can I ask you something?
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[He looks up, arching an eyebrow.]
I don't think there's anything that you can't ask me.
[With others he has several things he doesn't want to talk about or share or just be asked about. Marco, however, pretty much has a free pass, because as he has said, talking with him helps him figure things of himself as well.]
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[Selphie, emotions, talking, words, people, humans, nakama, protection, Robin, romance, spring, renewal, life, history, missions, goals, objectives, work, duty, family, phoenix, flames, Ikki.]
[He shifts and moves his feet so that one is on either side of Ikki's shoulders, ready to grab him as needed, even though it means letting his tail feathers down carefully.]
[Where does he begin?]
[All the pain.]
[He had told Ikki that sometimes you can't always protect someone from being hurt... and lord is that ever true.]
[But did it get both Ikki and Selphie more hurt than necessary? More hurt than it would have otherwise?]
[He's still dizzy in the forest. The constant force of life's will exerting its dominance throws his sense of balance out the window, and it creates a push right back of the other side, the undercurrent of it all.]
[His Pops would want him to be happy, but until now that always just meant fighting for his Pops and the family.]
[In his own world, the endless war will rage on, and even though he doesn't see a way out, the one thing he does know is--]
[Nico Robin lies at the heart of so much of it. Ace's little brother's assassin. Former ally and enemy of a mutual enemy: Crocodile. Someone the whole world would see as a threat, much like his Pops was seen.]
[Wasn't that something he shouldn't touch?]
[He should stay professional.]
[But he doesn't know how.]
[Is it a phoenix thing, an Ikki thing, a Marco thing, a pirate thing, a politics thing?]
[But in this place, didn't he have freedom?]
There's a woman I've vowed to never hurt.
Or at least, as minimally as possible.
[Somethings will always hurt, he told Selphie. It's just a matter of what hurts least.]
But it seems I can't even speak to her right anymore. Everything I mean gets muddied and misunderstood, and then we don't talk about what I meant to or I--
[Tragic heroine was the way Natsuno described Shimizu. He really seemed to hate her. And Selphie said the difference was that Marco would never let a woman see the full rage in him, and light, if he could avoid it, that was true. He hopes he always can.]
Thatch hates it. He knows I'll always make sure that the pain falls on me, and he hates that.
[Another reason Marco couldn't bring it up with him.]
I wanted her to promise me something before I could engage her in a romantic relationship.
[This fucking forest. Sorrow careens through Marco all at once. Like he's lost, but luckily, he's not alone, and he mentally throws up a wing to block it all out. Ikki's there. He's not alone. Ikki understands. He's not alone.]
So that I never reached a point where she got so hurt I could never forgive myself, I wanted to know if she was strong enough to stop me. I wonder if I phrased it wrong. She and Ace thought I was just too chicken to ask her out on a single date, but that's not the case at all.
[Selphie's weak-hearted plea explaining she wasn't strong enough racks through his brain again, but strangely, it bolsters Marco's courage. This is important.]
Is it asking too much?
I told you how the stakes are so high. My brothers are involved in the stakes. Her crew, mine, the world's politics itself are part of it all. And I... just want to walk away. Fold out. The stakes are too high, I don't play like that.
[So then why bother? High rewards or not, it was too dangerous. And Marco was cautious.]
But I can't pretend to stay in the game with a hand this good if I don't at least try.
[Because his inaction could hurt her just as much as trying.]
I told Selphie too late to at least hold her own. I won't let any of my nakama crumple like paper without at least trying, eh?
[He looks up at the stars thinking hard. Robin is sharp, but there's so much they don't know or understand. About each other, people in general, it's complicated.]
It's not enough, but maybe if I could get that through to her...
[If he tried again, sat her down over coffee and after flying to explain in under no uncertain terms not to treat him like a mind reader. Like someone who knew what to do every time and therefore obviously purposely did things wrong and --]
[Maybe it's wishful thinking.]
[Maybe it's a lost cause.]
[He has a straight, he could try for a flush, but the other players are unknown and he usually always plays it safe.]
[But safe isn't good enough.]
[She and Ace kept saying to go all the way, but they didn't know. They didn't understand the stakes.]
[How Marco would always make sure that when they fall, he lands on the bottom to cushion it for her.]
[How sometimes just getting that close to someone, no matter how strong they are will hurt.]
[It always hurts.]
[And the stakes are so high.]
[Marco lightly bites a strand of Ikki's hair in his beak. Careful not to tug it, just quietly holding it, like he did to Thatch's sometimes when he started to braid it.]
I'm sorry.
[He wishes Ikki wasn't hurt. Inevitable or not, risks were awful. They never worked out well. He told Ace how risks always failed him. Garp punched him. And then Ace thought he was just more scared of asking Robin on a date than even of his Grandfather. It wasn't that at all. Asking her out on a date was easy. But it wasn't enough. He'd told Robin that too, but he still suspected she didn't understand.]
[No one ever understood.]
[Did Selphie? She said she wasn't strong enough to understand, so maybe not, but it wasn't a matter of strength. It just was.]
[Maybe some things couldn't be understood.]
[Marco quietly starts braiding a strand of Ikki's hair.]
[It's so foolish anyway. Why is he always so determined to keep playing this game? Hand after hand. It was well out of his comfort zone, but he couldn't check out either. His brothers were counting on him and he was the best at bluffing.]
[Maybe that's why it's so out of his comfort zone. Robin is someone who finds the truth. Lying isn't a defense against her. So how can he protect her? He doesn't even know how to protect her from himself -- and with his luck, the minute he tried to tell her, she'd probably think he meant physically not emotionally or mentally.]
[People are confusing.]
[You don't show them your bad sides, or they get burned. But how could he trust her not to get burned then?]
[Why bother why bother...]
[Sometimes he wished he was as reckless as Ace. Able to run off to hunt Blackbeard because someone had to. Able to risk everything for the sake of emotions.]
I want to try.
To show my brothers it's okay.
[That they can all be free here. That nothing can hold them back, hold them down. That even though things were bad for Ikki with Selphie, no one has to give up.]
But there's another piece I can't see. It's not that I want a guarantee that everything will work out. [He's already sure it won't, but he'll make it fun for her as long as he can.] But how do I tell her how and when to put me in my place? Should I? Is there something else I should say instead?
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The island makes it worse. Not just his mind, his own body rejects this place. He has never felt so tense, every muscle in his being is at the edge of snapping, ready to explode, ready to start a chain of destruction even if he chose to not use his Cosmo. And it hurts, it hurts to be so tense, mentally and physically, it drives him up the wall even more than he is already and there's nothing he can do about it.
He had thought he couldn't get even more tense than he was without his body just breaking due the tension.
Marco proves him wrong and while he listens in silence and with attention, he can feel his body tensing even more. He starts to boil, he wants to explode so much, he wants to destroy everything and everyone. His previous meeting with Selphie replays on his mind and he's just so close to snapping and going to find her and break her head. But he doesn't want to do that, he would die before that, because no matter what she's a crewmate and he will protect her. If he could go back to the past... Maybe he would do it, or at least stop himself from giving in. He shouldn't have. Marco had the best intentions, but he had been wrong, so wrong, not even sending him to talk with her first had helped on that day. And then even when he gave in again, even when he made himself feel like a whore or a puppet for doing so... She had gone off to chase after Aya and then...
He shakes his head, chasing away the thoughts. There's no point to think about that. It only makes him boil more, it only makes him hate her more. Part of him wants to tell Marco to give up on that woman, to ignore it and move on. Phoenixes don't do well with other people, they always get burned and destroyed. No one is strong enough, no one can understand, not even with two phoenixes trying to explain it. There's nothing Marco can do that will keep her from getting hurt, from getting him hurt and to hate himself. And when everything is over, when all there's left are just ashes, he won't even have good memories to refuge in, because there won't be any "good times". There weren't with Selphie, the "good times" they had were before he gave in. And even they were too few.
He doesn't want Marco to be hurt, he doesn't want Marco to hurt someone else. He doesn't want Marco to hate himself more than he does.
He really doesn't get why Marco insists on playing. It wasn't just that there were high risks, there was just no gain, even if he managed to somehow avoid all the risks, what would come from it? Even if it managed to work out between him and that woman... What would that mean? What would that change? It would only last for as long as they are in this world, and if they never get to return... She will eventually wither and die. What will be of Marco then? What will be of Marco when the last of his brothers die even back in his world? When so much time has passed that the name of "Whitebeard" won't be more than just a legend? A story told to scare the childrens or to inspire them depending on who tells it?
Why insist on being close to people when he knows that at the end even if he wins all the hands in the game, all that there is is him sitting alone in a table, playing by himself?
And at the same time another part wants to tell him to give it a try, say that it's fine, that just because it didn't work for him it doesn't mean anything. That maybe Marco's woman will be different, will be better than Selphie. To go and tell that woman exactly what he's telling him, to ask her to put him in place if she feels he's being too much, to hand her a fire extinguisher to use before she gets burned so it can work out for a while and leave without wounds once it's over. But it's the same part that told him that it was fine to give in to Selphie, to give her a chance. And it had been wrong.]
I don't...
[His voice is strangled, he struggles to get it out because it's too much. He doesn't want to talk, he wants to scream, yell in agony, anger and hate, make the whole island be swallowed in a tornado of fire. But he can't do that and he has to speak, Marco waits for an answer, for something. So he battles himself to get the words across.]
I don't think that's asking for too much. You know you can hurt her so you want to try to make it better, so that it never happens or that if it happens she will be somehow protected. So it won't be that bad.
I don't think that's strange or weird to ask her to do that. To not crumble and cry if it gets bad but to fight back before she wants to do that. No matter how strong or confident she feels, I think she should be able to do that if she's really interested. If she really wants to play this game.
[Assuming that she really wants to, that she's not fooling herself and creating this mental image of Marco that she expects he will adhere to. That she can see what she's getting into instead of thinking that this is like one of those romantic novels, that behind that exterior there's something else, that the warnings are just a way to act tough and hide the truth. That she can go and reach for the fire and that it will be just a painting that she can rip to get inside.]
But I don't get it.
Why do you insist on playing this game. No matter how good your hand is, or how well you think you can bluff your way through... The stakes are too high, the risks are too many and all for what? There's nothing to gain. You won't get anything no matter how long you stay on it, or how many rounds you win.
I don't get it.
You can say that being with people makes it better all you want, you can repeat what your father said all you want. You can go around claiming as brothers anyone you want, you could go and make every living being in the world your family and it wouldn't change the fact that we'll gain nothing for playing this shit. At the end of it, everyone gets hurt, everyone is burned by our flames or gets swallowed up whole by the world.
At the end of it all, even if you win all the hands, even if it works out with that woman, even if your brothers can be free and have full happiness here... At the end, it will still be just you. Everyone will leave. Even if you go and grab new people, even if you drag them to play the game with you, sooner or later it's just you sitting alone in that table playing by yourself. And you will have nothing to prove that there was ever someone there playing with you. So why do you insist? Why did you say that it was okay?
I want you to try, but I can't believe that it will ever be fine or okay. It's not okay, it's never okay. And I can't see why it's worth it. We're going to end all alone and there's nothing we can do to change it, so why bother with people? Do you really think that you can make it so that you won't end empty and hurting inside when it's all over?
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Because I've already been empty.
[It's so easy.]
[Ikki had Shun. His whole time, just like Ace had Luffy.]
[But before Whitebeard? There was nothing.]
[And if anything Blackbeard's black holes remind him of it. Trying to return him to that point. Because there really was nothing.]
You protect Shun. And now you have me, Ace, and this crew.
Even knowing one day you'll lose them, can you give up?
I've seen that darkness already Ikki. There's nothing there.
I have something to lose now, aye, but only because I gained enough to reach here in the first place.
[He remembers what Thatch told him when they first tried to enter the forest, before Thatch and Marco started having panic attacks from it all. He shifts his feet again to curl completely around the front of Ikki's chest.]
[So much pain.]
I won't let you go back to that darkness. No matter how much pain we endure, nothing is ever as bad as that.
[And it's true really. Even if he does hurt Robin, even if he does wind up hating himself, if she lived in that cold isolation alone, it'd be worse. At least she has nakama, at least he has nakama. And yes, it means trusting both their nakama to be strong enough to deal with it no matter what, but to do anything else is to move backwards. And Marco's never going back there again.]
Why are we in this forest now even though we hate it? Even though it hurts? Because that's who we are. I don't care if no one, but you ever understands it, you're still one more than I ever could have asked for or dreamed of.
[Because it was better than dreams. Better than his own damn imagination. Better than any expectations.]
There's a poem, my Pops loves. No man is an island. It means everyone is connected, and we all affect each other like it or not. Pops knew it better than anyone in the universe I think. That's why he was so much like his earthquakes. He understood how the tiny ripples could effect everything hundreds of leagues away. People too. When I panicked at Marineford, Jozu lost his arm to Aokiji, an admiral in this world now. Because Jozu got scared for me when I was scared for Pops. Whatever we do, whatever we do, it will always cause extra ripples. But that doesn't mean we can give up, because even that has ripples.
Instead, we have to try to place our ripples as best as we can. I'm not as wise as Pops so I don't know how everything will carry on. There are always so many angles and hidden pieces, and misleading turns.
[He thinks for a long moment, looking off into the distance of the forest, and then up at the sky again.]
I have never once thought I had much to gain with Robin. I can only see it ending in hell, but thank you my brother. I must try. It was never the end I needed to be concerned about.
[It's himself. Robin wouldn't want him hurt, and crew rifts would only happen if he's not strong enough. Ikki wasn't able to protect himself and Selphie didn't even know how much she was devastating him. It helps. It's terrible and awful, and it helps. Because now Marco knows exactly what to say and how to say it. Before his pride would have gotten in the way, but now, he can see the step that he can take first instead of just straight up trying to fly the sheer cliff, it's okay to take the first step on the way, especially when he's been going this slowly.]
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And that's good. Marco is older, so much older, Ikki doesn't even dare to think of how old he must be. Of how many times he may have gone through the full phoenix cycle even before meeting Whitebeard. Marco knows more, even if there are still things that escape him, things that they will never be able to get because of who they are... Maybe, maybe he can make it work for a while and get an ending that isn't so terrible. Or at least one that doesn't override everything else.
Ikki hadn't been able to. Since the very start, all he had done was ruin everything. He had tried. Always keeping an eye on Selphie. Keeping his promises to her in mind, trying to fulfill them to show her that he didn't forget, that he didn't just made those promises without real intention of keeping them. He had tried to give her room when he felt that it was better that way, that if he was too much over her she would burn and asphyxiate because of the flames. He really had tried. But none of that had been enough, none of what he did was the "right" thing to do.
Focusing on their promise had made him ignore something that hadn't been planned and she had been angry at him, hurt. Giving her space had only made her think that he didn't care for her. Giving her the freedom to decide had only given her a blank card that she had filled with breaking up, with him not caring, not loving her, not wanting to try anything for her. It was no wonder that she ended running to someone else's arms with a little excuse given by this world and while they were still "together". He knew she would all along, but he had allowed himself to believe that it wouldn't happen.
It had been such a waste of time and energy. He doesn't want to do it again, nor with her or anyone.
But Marco is different, he has more experience and knows exactly what he has to ask before even taking a step forward. Even if he's unsure or words may fail him, he knows. He won't just try, he will do it. That much, Ikki can believe in, even if he still can't see why it's worth it, why Marco would want to continue forward despite all the pain that came with it.
His arms move around Marco to hug him. It's childish, weak, such a vulnerable gesture. He hates it. But he needs it. He needs Marco close, because only he can soothe everything inside him. Only he understands, only he knows. The pain, the anger, the fear, the hate. No one else can get it, but Marco's right, it's alright even if that's the case. Because having Marco is indeed one more than what he would have ever had.]
I know.
I know that I'm privileged, that I'm lucky. I am a phoenix, but I was divided in half before I was even born, I was incomplete until I obtained my Cloth. It was a miracle that Shun was born, that I got to keep him... They tried to take him from me so many times, adults, gods, I still don't know how I managed to keep him with me all that time. I know that I was never empty because I had him, I never even felt that I was missing something because he filled everything with just his smile.
I never even realized how hard it really was for us during those years, not until later.
But I also know what's next. What's after all this.
[Not the same way Marco does, that's true and he would never dream to deny it. To try to compare his and Marco's pain, there's no point for it anyway, the pain comes from the same things even if they experienced it for different lengths of time. And if the time length was to really matter... It would still be silly to compare, Marco's much greater hands down.
But he still knows. He still saw it, peeked at the edge of the dark hole and tried to jump inside of it. If only...]
When Esmeralda died, when she was killed because of me, it was as if I lost everything for an instant. Because she wasn't supposed to be there, she was supposed to be safe, I was supposed to become a Saint and take her with me, bring her to the outside world where she could start anew, a real life. I wanted to help her rebirth in another place, without being a slave, even if she still worked as a servant somewhere, even if live was still hard and I had to leave her. I wanted to give her the chance.
But I couldn't. She went there when she shouldn't have, because of me, because she was worried about me. I destroyed her. And when she died in my arms I realized, that I couldn't save her, I couldn't protect someone who wasn't supposed to even be in danger. If I couldn't do that how could I protect someone who would be in danger? How was I supposed to go find and rescue Shun?
Then I learned about my father and everything hurt. Everything I had done since I was born had served for nothing but to hurt everyone. If I hadn't been born, Esmeralda wouldn't have died. If I hadn't stopped people from taking Shun away, maybe our father would have never found him, I could have lied, say that he died, say that he was never born. But I didn't and that ended leading him to this life. Even when I tried to save him from a horrible training all it served for was for him to be sent to an even worse place. And everything for what? For that man. For that brat that was given a pair of goddess shoes that she can't fill. From the start we were cursed. From the start all I did was destroy everything I tried to protect.
[His actions, his decisions. Everything was wrong, just like with Selphie. No matter how much he tries, how careful he tries to be. Everything he does is wrong, everything in him is wrong, from the very core. If only he hadn't been born. Even if it had been harder, wouldn't everyone have managed to achieve happiness at the end? What had he done that had served for anything good? Had he made any real difference that helped them? Had he saved anyone?
No. He hadn't. Not here, nor there. He had been the one to find and rescue Kairi but that became a moot point when she died later on anyway. And now, somehow Marco has the resolution to try and move forward, but even that will end in pain, even if it's lessened somehow. It would have been better if he didn't manage to help the other phoenix.]
I know what that emptiness is. Even if I haven't felt it directly, I know it. When I recovered my Cloth and the part of me, of the phoenix, that was there returned to me... I felt it. The emptiness that part had been buried in for years, centuries. Waiting for me, always waiting just for me and not knowing if I would ever arrive. And then... Everything stopped to hurt. I felt empty, as if I had become a dark hole and all the pain, hate and confusion was swallowed inside. For a moment, I was empty because of all those centuries that part of me had been alone and empty.
I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to be empty because then nothing hurts, there's nothing to miss, nothing to worry about. And I don't care if it's bad or what, if it's between all this pain and being empty, how could I not choose that? That's why I tried to kill them all, even Shun, I wanted to return there, to be all alone, nothing else mattered as long as I stopped feeling. It was even okay if they killed me, if they turned to hate me forever, even if they didn't die, I was okay with it as long as they left me.
As long as I was empty forever.
[If only they had listened. If only Selphie had listened. If only they had allowed him to do what he knew was the correct thing, he could have fixed the mistake that his birth was. He couldn't have make amends with the pain he had caused, all the things he had destroyed, but he can't do that now either. At least that way, he would have been able to avoid destroying even more.]
But they didn't. They didn't let me. They all almost died. I almost did it, Hyoga, Shun and Shiryu, their bodies were on the ground. And Seiya was still fighting, for them and for me. He didn't want to defeat me, he wanted me to go back to how I used to me. His friends were dying, he was dying and he still refused to give up on any of us. Because despite being cursed, despite being made just to destroy, somehow I'm so fucking lucky that I'm not allowed to be empty forever yet.
But that won't last. And that's why I don't get it. Why not let me just be empty from the start? If I was born to fight, if all I can do is destroy even when I try to not do it, wouldn't it be easier if I was empty from the start?
I know that it is bad. But at least there I wouldn't care about this place. I wouldn't care about Shun and Athena lost in the past alone. I wouldn't care about Athena being reduced to a baby because of another god. I wouldn't be angry and hurt because of what happened with Selphie. I wouldn't care about Kairi or Roxas' deaths. I wouldn't care about Seiya being stuck to a chair, dying slowly without us being able to do anything. Not Athena, nor me, even if she's a goddess and I'm the bird of rebirth, we can't do anything to save him.
Life would be so much easier if it was empty. I don't even deserve it not being empty when I was born just to destroy.
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[When Thatch died, Marco doubted he ever could recover. And he knew worse was coming. Ace had run away, Whitebeard was dying, what was left? The rest of the crew, but it was a duty almost more than a joy.]
[Still. There are days like this. Days where he just winds up laughing at all. It's all so strange. Life, rebirth, the endless cycle. This forest drives him crazy. Every new life in this spring just reminds him of the millions of death that came before it. The deaths no one else can hear but another phoenix. Ace, Thatch, Natsuno, they're dead, so they feel it. The push. As if the forest wants to say your time is done. But it's never done, because Marco and Ikki will always carry it forward.]
You'd be nothing.
[He says it in human without realizing it at first, but it doesn't matter, it's the same thing.] And you're not nothing. You're Ikki, my little brother. Shun's big brother. The others' big brother. You're not nothing, because they desperately need a phoenix, and you're the only one strong enough.
[What does it mean to always hurt? That was Selphie's mistake. The more she started to realize how much he always hurt, the more she realized she couldn't take it away, of course it hurt.]
[Marco roughly holds his hug tighter.]
You don't cause their pain, you take it away. [Back to phoenix language, but it's the kind of thing that can't be said in human.] We're selfish. We want all the pain for ourselves. Isn't that why seeing Selphie hurt, hurt you so much more? Isn't that why it hurts you to watch them hurt and feel so helpless?
[Thatch called it selfish, Marco's masochism. Thatch had always known. That's why he loves Thatch. That's why he needed Thatch so desperately. Marco would always want to absorb everyone else's pain, all of it, and never let them share it. And the more the others wanted him to share it, the more he'd refuse. It wasn't theirs to bear.]
[Even now a little, Thatch is still like that. The darkness devil fruit also takes a lot of pain, and Marco's well aware that he's so fucked up, he's glad Thatch has it. Because it means Thatch shares it with him again, no matter what the other wants.]
The empty nothingness is never better.
[He runs a hand through Ikki's hair, gently ruffling it in the way his Pops always did to him. He can't think of a more soothing gesture, and he doubts one will ever exist.]
[There wasn't life before Whitebeard, there was just nothing.]
[And even now though it hurts, it aches, and it burns, and it's nearly all sorrow and pain, it still is better than the nothing that came before. Even when he's mad and wants to rage at Ace and Thatch for leaving him, for forcing him to be the Captain he never wanted to be, for forcing him to protect the only family left, their dreams, their war, Pops' wars, the islands, all of it, even then, it's better than the nothing.]
Selphie wasn't burned because you tried. Selphie got burned because Selphie tried.
I admire you really. I've never let a woman see that much of me. I've never even let Thatch! The closest I came was how much he saw on his own. You were brave. And I'm sorry Ikki, I'm sorry it hurts.
[He quietly shooshes his brother, and keeps ruffling the hair.] I don't know what will come. One day, it all may return to dust. Isn't that what happens?
But look at this island. Dust or not, it has too many cycles ahead of it for us to jump that far. That's why we hate it. One cycle at a time. We'll just take it one cycle at a time. One season, one day, one cycle.
Someday all my brothers will be gone, and their children, and their children's children, and by then I really hope I can be finished, but for now, let's just go to the next day. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but we won't know if we don't get there, yoi.
[He wished Ikki could turn into a bird form, so that it was his turn to carry him. That was why Thatch was always carrying him as a bird. So Marco could just breathe sometimes and let someone else do the carrying. Tomorrow, Marco thinks, he'll make Ace do the carrying. Ace wants to be captain, and Marco has to help him do it. But tonight, Marco wants to carry them all, because his shoulders are broad enough and his flames are bright enough.]
Come on, yoi. I'm giving you a piggyback.
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And that's the last thing he wants. Marco has enough protecting everyone else, he doesn't have to add Ikki to it. He doesn't have to be Ikki's shield too. Ikki wants to be Marco's shield even if it's a small one, so Marco can shield the rest. Because Ikki can't, his shields aren't strong or big, they are just an illusion, but one he's going to cling to forever. Because if he doesn't, what kind of phoenix would he be?
It takes a bit, when Marco turns back into human and hugs him, Ikki's arms actually move away from the other and he tenses. Ready to push, ready to refuse, to try to be strong. But then Marco starts to talk and it just hurt too much. So he hugs the other back, cursing his weakness, cursing his mistakes, his failures, cursing the island for pushing him so much, cursing Selphie and Athena and Seiya.
He knows, he knows that the nothingness isn't better. But it's so tempting. It's so tiring. He doesn't shoulder a family like Marco does, but his burden isn't that lighter, he fights for Athena. He fights for the world. For all the Esmeraldas he doesn't know but that exist, for all the children who are abandoned, who have nothing in the world and receive nothing but suffering and pain for having been born. For all the brothers he had and wasn't able to protect, wasn't given the chance to protect. For all the girls who are put to fill the role of a goddess and fight in all those wars. He has fought against gods, they stopped Hades, but that doesn't stop the pain, the death. All they truly achieved was to delay the death of everything and to leave the souls without a place to go to.
What happens now to the souls of the people who die? What happened to the souls of those who were dead? He repeats to himself that it's okay, that it doesn't matter, it's better this way because after all Hades didn't allow any souls to go to Elyseum. Everyone was tortured and punished eternally, even Esmeralda, so it's better this way. Whatever happens to them can't be worse than eternal torture for stepping on an ant.
But deep down, he knows it's not.]
I wasn't brave. I was an idiot. I should have never trusted her, I should have never believed it when you both said that it would be okay. She wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough or good enough for her, from the very start.
There's nothing to admire in me. You have lost people, but you still have many of the ones you intend to protect.
I only keep losing people. I only keep making everything worse. We protected the world from complete destruction, but now souls have nowhere to go, and trillions of souls were lost when the afterlife was destroyed when we defeated Hades. Our brothers, our friends, our mentors, we keep losing them no matter what.
I'm weak.
[How can he claim that he protects people when they keep slipping in between his fingers? Marco has lost people, not just Thatch, Ace and Whitebeard, many others, Ikki knows that. But he has managed to protect many as well, he shoulders it all, he is their shield. But Ikki... Ikki is no one's shield.
He's nothing but a pathetic phoenix. And it's only to Marco to whom he admits it, because Marco is a real phoenix, what Ikki should be. What he will never be.
Even so, he still has pride to frown at the piggyback comment and look embarrassed at it.]
A piggyback? Wouldn't you prefer me to carry you in bird form?
You don't have to... Carry me as well.
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Next time, I'll try to find a way to turn you into a bird form or something, but for now, this is good enough, eh.
[He turns around and picks Ikki up despite the protests. Because he knows. Because he's been there, but at least he had Thatch, at least he had Whitebeard, he could never have done it without them. And whatever Ikki says, Marco doesn't care, because he knows it must have been so much harder without them. It must have hurt so much more, and it's time he doesn't have to hurt so much.]
You were very brave.
[He carries him through the forest, glowing blue because no matter what, it's a comforting light and he knows it. And he wants it there to protect Ikki, from the forest, from his own dark thoughts, from everything. So he casts it all over.]
You were very brave, and very strong, and it hurts because sometimes just being brave and strong isn't enough. Believe me, I know. I've seen that too. Ace is always both, but he still died, eh? She didn't get hurt because you were weak, or not enough, she got hurt because she got very close, very fast, and neither of you had anyway to pull back. That's what scares me about Robin. I'll never know how to pull back. If she doesn't keep me away, how will I know? But it's okay. It's okay because even though it hurts, you tried. You tried and you gave and gave and gave. And you tried hard. Even if no one else ever knows how hard you tried, I know. I know, okay? And it's okay now.
[He shifts Ikki's weight and ruffles his head with one free hand before going back to carrying him.]
Even if it still hurts for a long time, that hurt is proof of how you tried. Our scars are never the kind people can see, and sometimes they don't think they're there. But they're there. [That's why he wore a bandage to his Pops' funeral. No one else could see his scars, but they were there.]
I might lose all my brothers well before their time. Back in my world there's thousands I have to protect, but we're outnumbered. I don't know what to do really. I'm going to keep trying, but I can't protect it all. Even if I could be everywhere at once, there are some things even I can't face. They'll all try to protect me too, and that's even harder to bear. All I can do is hope. Maybe a chance will come, and then I can take it. Maybe I can kill Akainu and avenge Ace. Maybe I can kill Teach and avenge everyone. Maybe I can kill Kaidou. Maybe, maybe, maybe. There's so many pieces, so many threads, even I can't master them all. So I can only keep trying. Fighting to give my best. Take moments like these just to breathe because it's what my Pops would want. He can't tell me what to do anymore, and I'm still mad at him for dying, because it's childish and petty, but that way it stings less, eh? But the older part of me, the better part of me knows I should take these moments too.
It's easier when I remember I have to take the moments so that the rest of my brothers, like Namur, know it's okay. So they will too. Because if I don't show them it's okay, they won't. They'll avoid it, because they're still so young, and so scared, and they have so much to fear. So the best I can do is show them that there are times they don't have to be afraid. That it's okay to laugh again, even though we'll cry more later.
Maybe I'll lose them all in their time. That will let me be done and rest. But if I don't, I'll keep fighting for every last one of them. Because they need me. And I know you'll fight for yours too, okay? Because you are who you are.
But for now, just rest. I've got you. You're strong, but even the world's strongest need to rest, need a friend, need nakama, need family. [Another gentle ruffle, and Marco goes back to singing again.]