high_seas | HazMat Log 006 ♔ Impending doom and diabetes

Yeah, sometimes there's not a word for it.

[Lea leans back a little and looks up at the sky, trying to figure out the best answer. He's seen the pretty speeches everyone's been giving Roxas about the whole situation and he's not really cut out for those. Maybe things would be easier on Roxas if he was, but he's not going to try. It's not who he is.]

All of them...Ace, Marco, Thatch, you know...they've got this way of thinking about things that comes from that world they're all from. All those things they tell you about life and freedom and being a Spade and all that? That's how they live. That doesn't mean it's how you have to live. You're not "a Spade." You're not "a member of Organization XIII." You're you and if you wanna sail with the Spades or go on missions for the Organization, that's your choice. It's not who you are. No one gets to tell you what you are but you. I got some suggestions, yeah, but it's always your decision.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

I didn't think I had to give everything up again. I thought I could still be friends with them. I thought...I don't know what I thought. Ace is pretty clear about it, even if people still like me, he doesn't consider me to be like them anymore.

[Roxas had bonded with them, a lot. It made it hurt all the more.]

I don't remember all of our time together Lea. I have patches missing, the whole year I was with you in the Organization. I think I remember a lot more of our time there, and all the people I met and everything. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I don't know why.

It hurts 'cause you're sad. I keep telling you that.

[It's said with the same fond exasperation that comes out whenever Roxas decides his life is terrible in a way no one else has ever experienced. Which is in itself a normal teenager thing.]

I think what Ace was really telling you was that he wants you to make friends here and be happy and stop worrying so much about the Spades. He even said you can still be friends with them. He may be a dumb jerk a lot of the time, but he wasn't saying that to be mean.

Yeah but...[He shouldn't be sad. Ace didn't think so, and he was a Nobody.]

He said I had to start over again. That I have to push them aside. I know what he said. [Well most of it.]

[Lea scowls. If he didn't know any better, he'd think Roxas was deliberately TRYING not to get it.]

Roxas, I don't know how many times I'm gonna have to explain it if you keep this up. You can be friends with them. You just can't use missing your friends there as an excuse not to make friends here. He was telling you that if you're going to stay here, you need to make friends with the crew of this ship. If you're not gonna do that, then go back to the Spades. If being a Spade is the most important thing to you, you can't stay here.

[He sighs and scratches at the back of his neck.]

I kinda told you the same thing.

It isn't the most important thing to me Lea. You are. But it is important to me.

[He's quiet a moment.]

I didn't say I didn't want to make friends with the people here. I did, but now when we leave here, it's going to hurt again. I don't want that. I don't want to be sad again and I don't want it to hurt. Maybe I can't understand people. I thought going to visit would be okay, but Ace got mad at me about it.

[He sighs and curls up into a little ball.]

Maybe you can't understand me on this one. For me, when I came here, I could've done anything. If I didn't like the Spades, I could have left after we got here. I can go anywhere, right? Maybe? [He isn't sure about that.]

For me, in this place, there wasn't anything else. It was just them. Everyone was so nice and everything and I never experienced that before. Lea, you had a life before everything. You had friends and all kinds of fun things and you can do those things again. I don't...if I don't do them here, what am I going to do, Lea?

I'm..mixing myself up here. I don't regret leaving with you and I would never change my mind on it. That doesn't mean I can just turn the hurt off. I can't stop being sad just because someone yelled at me. If you keep telling me to leave I'm going to start thinking you don't want me here.

[He's quiet a moment before meeting Lea's eyes in a challenge.] Is that true?

[Lea's eyes slide down and away. It's always hard for him to meet Roxas' eyes in times like these, even harder still when Roxas is looking directly at him. This is at least the third time they've had this argument and while he knows Roxas doesn't have the best memory in the world, sometimes he wonders if he's the type of person who keeps bringing a topic up until they get the answer they want, except he's not really sure what answer it is that he's supposed to give. And honestly, he's tired of it.]

No, but all you've done since you've been here is say how much you want to be back there. You went back as soon as you could, too. I saw what you were saying to people.

[What they were saying about him. How Roxas didn't stand up for him at all. What's he supposed to think? Roxas is always telling him that he wants to stay with him, doesn't regret leaving with him, and then turns around and tells all his friends with the Spades the complete opposite.]

And now that you are back, you're up here avoiding all of us. Maybe you should just go back.

[He came up here with the intention of patching things up, but it's becoming more and more obvious that Roxas doesn't want them patched up. He wanted to keep Roxas with him to protect him, keep that blank slate of a mind of his from being twisted by the toxic philosophy that drives the higher-ups in the Spades, to find a place where the two of them could just be friends without all of that hanging over their heads, but he can't. It's not working. He's screwed it up yet again. Good job, Lea.]

What good am I as a best friend, anyway? All we do is fight, right? You just came with me because I need you to look out for me, right?

[They're Roxas' own words.]

Just go back there. Problem solved. You get all your friends back and you can have all the fun you want. No more fights. No more obligations.

[Lea hauls himself to his feet. Dramatic exits aren't exactly easy up here, so Roxas has a few seconds to speak up while he figures out how to get down.]

[Roxas keeps staring at him as he speaks, impassive. He might not have defended Lea exactly, but if they had said anything to him that sounded bad, he would have. He presses his lips together, biting his tongue while he talks and when he's finished, he chews on the answer.

Lea's dramatic exit is not happening Roxas decides, because he's not finished. He grabs Lea's wrist, holding him tightly so he can't get away.]

You are doing that thing again where you only listen to half of what I say! It's like you're picking what you want to listen to. You are a really bad listener sometimes.

[Roxas is on his feet too, forcing himself in Lea's face so he has to look at him.]

Yeah, you're right. I did come to look out for you, because sometimes you do stupid things and I owe you my entire lifetime worth of pay back. That's not the only reason though. You should know that. I've told you again and again that I love you, you idiot. [He starts accentuating his words by poking at Lea's chest none too gently.]

You are the best best friend. You must have done so much for me when I was younger. The things I remember from being like that again, I know you took care of me. You always take care of me. I don't care if we fight. I don't care if we don't agree on everything. That doesn't make you any less my best friend.

I am not good a talking, but it's worse when you're only half listening to me. You never remember when I say anything nice to you. It's really really...[He waves his hand. Infuriating.] It makes me so mad at you!

[Roxas lets go of Lea's wrist finally and stops poking at him.]

I asked if you wanted me to leave. I didn't say I would accept it.

Edited 2014-05-28 20:50 (UTC)

[Somewhat chastened, Lea hangs his head as Roxas speaks. He listens. He knows he does. He listens more than he should, considering how much he eavesdrops on the journal and it's not that he misses the good things, it's just that he knows they don't matter to anyone else but Roxas. Lea's just some interloper who doesn't deserve him trying to take him away from where he really belongs and Roxas won't tell anyone else but him that that's not true and it hurts. It hurts badly.]

If you wanna stay with me, then act like it!

[The problem with Roxas is that any insults that are sub textual go right over his head. It isn't that he wouldn't defend Lea, he just doesn't realize he has to.

He steps away, facing away from Lea and put his head into his hand. He exhales and just shakes his head.]

I'm the stupid one. I should have known better then to open my mouth. I thought I resolved to shut up and then you come up here...

[He gives his head a shake with a sigh.]

Stupid, Roxas.

[Geez, what the hell is he on about now? This was the problem with having an argument with Roxas. No matter how honest Lea was about things, it didn't matter because they'd just get misinterpreted anyway, usually in ways he couldn't even piece together.]

Don't you start with the stupid thing again! No one called you stupid. You're not getting out of this with the "boo hoo I'm stupid and broken" card again! You're not either one of those things, so come off it already!

[He blinks and shoots Lea a look.]

You didn't want to hear about what I had to say. I knew that and still I talked to you about this. That was stupid.

[Roxas frowns at him.]

I don't know what card you're talking about but I'm not trying to get out of anything. You shouldn't tell me you want to listen to me when you don't. Just talk to me Roxas. You didn't want me to say anything! You don't like what I have to say! Why would you push me on it?

Hey, I've listened to you every single time you wanted to talk about this! It's not my fault if you don't like what I have to say about it! What do you want me to say? That I'm fine with all of this? That I think Ace is wrong and we should all go back to the Moon and have some sort of big group hug and make up? Because I'm not, he's not, and that's not gonna happen!

[Roxas takes a deep breath, moves to the other side of the crow's nest and sits down again.]

Fine, Lea. Just...just fine. Ace is right and I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not being a man. I don't get to have what I want, I'm not free enough to do what I want.

That's all just fine. You want me to go? I'll go. I have nowhere to go back to, so don't worry about that. This way everyone wins.

[Everyone except Roxas, but when has that mattered?]

What argument are you listening to?!

[There's misinterpreting and there's somehow hearing the exact opposite of what's been said.]

Maybe if you'd stop feeling sorry for yourself for a while, you'd hear what people are telling you!

I heard what he said. He told me I'm not a Spade anymore. I'm insulting everyone and I'm wrong about all of it. My feelings, everything is wrong. You said he's right. You believe that, don't you?

[What is he misinterpreting here?]

I'm upset and you're pushing me away. All I'm doing is making you mad. You've already told me to go three times. Well...well maybe I should.

[He is not sorry for having feelings, and he is not sorry he feels the way he does. It's just the way it is.]

I can't help how I feel about it. I can't help that I'm sad and I can't help that it hurts. I am up here because I don't want to feel like this again. When we leave this place, it will hurt too. I don't want that. Nothing was like this on the clock tower.

[He exhales.]

Yeah, well, this is what life is actually like. It sucks and it hurts. Stop acting like you're the only one who ever feels like this.

[Lea slams his hand against the mast.]

I do agree with Ace. I'm not gonna lie about that. If you're gonna stay with me, you can't be a Spade anymore. If that's more important to you, then maybe you should go back. I'm not gonna spend every day watching you waste away because you wanna be with them and I'm not going back there. If you're so afraid of ever hurting again, then go back and Marco can baby you as much as he wants because I won't do that, either.

[He slumps, putting all of his weight against the hand that's pressed up against the mast.]

I just can't, okay?

[Roxas is quiet, listening to Lea. He remains quiet when he's finished as he tries to think of what he can say.]

I already told you what was most important to me...don't listen. [He mumbles the last part.]

[He isn't sure what else to say, honestly. The idea that his relationship with Marco is 'babying' is confusing. He isn't sure what part of it is.

He's thinking for a bit so it takes a moment before he asks his question, not looking at Lea now.]

How is he babying me?

How isn't he? He treats you like you're a little kid, he wouldn't even be himself with you because he knew you liked the bird better and now he's going against what Ace tells him because he doesn't want to have to be honest with you and tell you you can't be a member of the crew anymore. He won't do anything that might make you sad because he's so afraid you won't like him anymore.

[At least no one can accuse Lea of that.]

[He frowns a little bit.]

He's treating me like a little kid? How is he doing that? I mean, yeah, he said he didn't agree with Ace...but if that's how it is, I just didn't understand. I don't really know why he didn't tell me but I'm not mad about it anymore.

[Lea sighs and shakes his head. Nothing he says is going to convince Roxas of anything, so why bother?]

Forget it.

[His voice is barely above a whisper.]

Please explain it to me Lea. Tell me what I'm doing wrong.

You're not doing anything wrong.

[Lea shifted so that his back was against the mast. Easier not to look at Roxas that way.]

It's not always your fault, okay? He's the one doing something wrong, not you. You just want to make friends. Nothing wrong with that.

[It's alright, Roxas isn't feeling too keen on looking at Lea right now either.]

Make me understand. Because I really like Marco. I really like how things are. He ruffles my hair and gives me hugs, he listens to me tell him anything I want, he plays games with me...all of this is babying?

I need to understand. Because if there's something you won't do, if you don't tell me how can I know not to ask that of you? Is it all of it?

Hey, don't you start that!

[Lea pushes off the mast and drops down to look at Roxas. This he can say with sincerity.]

I didn't say any of that. There's not anything you can't ask me for, okay? I mean it.

[He does, too. Even if it's something he doesn't want.]

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