high_seas | Not feeling like myself today...

Do you really think I'm crying myself to sleep every night because I think you guys don't like me? I left for a reason and if you want to think that reason's because I don't understand your super special unique snowflake idea of friendship, you go right ahead. We both know perfectly well we wouldn't even be having this conversation if you weren't so concerned with me cutting off your access to creep on my best friend whenever you like. Seriously, what's up with that? I've seen old ladies with pink poodles who are less cutesy-poo than that. I don't know whether to barf or alert the local authorities.

[Since hearing about the tattoo, Roxas was kinda tuning out of the conversation. Not because it's not interesting or anything, but because it feels kind of weird to be there when they're not really talking to him. Lea was doing just fine, he knew he would be. But something about Lea talking about his best friend made him come around to his thoughts.]

Huh?

[It's completely over his head though.]

I really couldn't care less what you do until it touches the rest of the crew, Lea. I'm pretty sure you already know I'm too much of an asshole for that.

I was concerned that you decided to pretend to be Selphie out of an actual fear, which means I misconstrued my intentions.

And unfortunately, that's been known to happen. Part of that whole torturing the hell out of people who pisse me off. Shocking I know.

And if you must know, that's why I like Roxas. He's never had trouble understanding me even if I say nothing at all.

I don't think you left because you don't understand nakama, I think you left because you disagree with our priorities, and you weren't going to be happy here. Is that incorrect?

Let's tell it like it is, shall we? I left because you don't see anything wrong with hurting and killing people with different "priorities" than you and because you don't see anything wrong with dragging this world into darkness and creating more people like us.

[He looks over to Roxas to make sure he's listening and he understands.]

Except you'd like that, wouldn't you? More cute little Nobodies you can remake in your own image and project all your bullshit on. Or is just one enough? Because that's extra creepy, just so you know.

Edited 2014-08-26 05:52 (UTC)

The first part is true.

I don't have a problem with hurting and killing, or even flat out torturing people in this world who touch anyone in this crew. I never ever will. I can refrain from touching anyone who shows the slightest bit of sympathy for "monsters," but anyone who hates monsters is not going to be protected by me. People who help slavers, people who capture my brothers, and torture my baby sister, I am not going to hold back on. And requests to ask me to will be laughed at or ignored.

Roxas is Roxas. I'm not doing anything to create anyone, and I've only ever tried to share friendship with him. I would suggest you don't project your own issues, Lea. If I had to qualify my relationship with Roxas, it would be like my Pops was to me. And since my father is the only person I have ever, and will ever, try to do proud, I really don't care what you think of it. Whether you're dating him, as according to Cynthia or not, I have never, nor will ever question your relationship with him, because it's nothing to do with me. But I think we can both agree, we'd like him safe and happy, aye?

Even if we have different ideas of how to get there.

[Roxas can't help but look between them, somewhat bewildered by everything that's going on.]

I don't know what's wrong with killing, but I don't really want the world to fall into darkness. I mean, there shouldn't be anymore Nobodies anymore. You can't just make more! People need their hearts, don't they?

[He frowns a little bit. Hmm.]

I'm really confused. Dating? Huh? And more Nobodies and just..I think my head hurts.

[He drops to his knees on the floor, just to get a grip.]

[Lea is at his side in an instant because he knows he can't afford to waste time. It's kind of hard to sling a protective arm around someone's shoulders when you're a whole foot shorter than they are, but dammit, he's doing his best.]

I know, I know. It's okay. You take a second to sort it out. You've got this.

[He shoots a glare at Marco, just daring him to try to step in with a new bullshit explanation.]

Sorry.

[Both hands up.]

[For all his temper with Lea, it's with Lea, not Roxas.]

I think I need an explanation too. How are Nobodies created? I thought only Xemn-- [Pauses since he remembers Roxas said Lea didn't like the name being said out loud since it was a form of control and finding them, so he picks the rest slower and more carefully.] -- and the Organization could do that.

I'm not trying to take anyone's heart.

[Roxas rubs at his forehead a little bit. He wasn't lying about the headache setting in. He leans against Lea a little bit and he's quiet while he digests everything they're arguing about. As much as he can follow at any rate.]

It's because of strong people losing their hearts. I don't think the Organization took my heart, but I'm not sure. But that starts to happen when a world goes into darkness and then the Heartless begin to appear. Right Lea?

[He gives a wide-eyed blink up at Marco.]

You don't want people's hearts right?

[Lea rubs at Roxas' back and frowns. It looks like he's going to have to explain this as simply as possible.]

No, but his stupid idea of staying here where he doesn't belong instead of going back to his own world and letting things go back to normal is going to bring darkness in. That's exactly the sort of thing that gets it started. Of course, he told me he was fine with that.

[Back out of that one, why don't you. He'll see if he can recite the conversation.]

And once things are connected through the darkness, Baldo McCreepy is free to start poking around here whenever he wants.

Bite me. [Snarls.]

[And holds up a finger.]

[Then pulls up this entry and drawing from not too long ago and hands it to Lea to see.]

I already promised to send everyone back home who wants to go home. You want to send Roxas to cease existing instead of continuing to travel, just because you're worried about people who want you dead? Do you really expect me to just agree, "oh yeah, it's totally fine, I'll just go back to my world of black holes being run by a traitor and moron, and forget all about the fact that I could have let Roxas, Thatch, Ace, and a fuckton others live a little longer because time is no more linear than a blanket is." Are you insane?

Roxas said himself he's not going to stop fighting to exist. Holding onto people 'in my heart' isn't good enough for me.

You're so convinced you know exactly how this works that I don't think you've even tried to think of other possibilities. Have you even asked Chandra or the Doctor, or anyone else who has ever traveled through time how it works? Or are you just seeing what the organization did and giving up before you even begin to fight again? Having a heart doesn't mean you have to accept anything. It means having the drive to keep fighting no matter what because of the people you love.

No, Lea, I won't resign myself to "fate" or anything like it. That's exactly what Blackbeard wants, and if I can struggle with my last breath to kick him, fate, or any of it in the teeth, I still will.

[Even if he isn't entirely sure who Lea means, darkness means the Organization will come and that isn't good news at all and Marco is upset and they're arguing again.

Roxas' head is pounding. Time travel, people wanting them dead and arguing over fate...

Nope, nope, nope. Roxas does not want to deal with this right now. He takes a slow, deep breath to clear his head. It's too tangled, too complicated and they are just fighting about things he doesn't understand. He slumps a little backwards, but says nothing at all.]

[Lea hold Roxas up, determined to make this make sense for him. Not that he can do that without making a few choice comments first.]

I take it back, Marco. You treat him like he's five because you think you're five. I'm gonna use small words, okay? Get out your crayons in case you need to take more notes.

[ahem]

Us being here at all is making the world unstable. This whole Davy Jones thing is bad news and if you think getting all the shards and making a wish is going to solve anything, you're either deluding yourself or seriously naïve. Sorry your world sucks, but it's your world and that's where you belong. You don't get to put a whole other world in danger just because you want a do-over.

[He tightens his arm around Roxas, because this next part is going to hurt.]

Roxas gets that. It's hard, what he has to do, and believe me, I did enough stupid things because I didn't like it, either, but...it has to happen. Not just because we need Sora, but because Roxas and Sora need each other. If there's anyone who can keep his heart safe until we figure out how to find it again, it's Sora, and if there's anyone dumb and stubborn enough to do whatever it takes to get him back, it's me.

[He ruffles Roxas hair, kind of disappointed that it's different enough not to feel right.]

And, seriously, who's projecting here? I know I never said anything about someone wanting me dead. What the Organization does, what happens when the darkness comes...that's worse than dying. Unless your will is strong enough, you don't even keep your sense of self when you lose your heart. You're still alive, but in two pieces, neither of which has enough of a mind of its own to feel anything but emptiness. Even if you're one of the lucky ones who can be a Nobody and still be yourself, there's nothing where your heart should be. You remember what it was like to feel, but you can't do it anymore. Even if you fight as hard as you can, if you give in to the darkness just enough, it means he can put his heart in you instead. I don't...

[He winces. This just got too personal.]

You're wrong.

Fight me sometime when it won't affect Roxas, but you're wrong. [Gestures to the numbing Roxas. He's said it before and he will again, Lea is to Roxas as Thatch is to Marco. Marco empathizes well with Roxas, and when he went nearly comatose the only person he would snap out of it from was Thatch.] Talk to Chandra, ask the journal about time travel, put together your facts, and we'll discuss theories. On the journal, or another time. For now, I'm going for a smoke.

Delude yourself whatever you want, hell, believe I'm deluded, but I'm still going my own way.

There is no place left for Thatch, Ace, and a half dozen others. I told you that before. Sending them back, kills them. I won't do it.

[As for wanting Lea dead. No, nothing about that, that was because Marco thought Lea felt unwelcome on the ships, which he assumed was on Marco's part because of well... things like this? It doesn't matter.]

[Marco leaves with a single-handed wave, but as he promised, he'll be in the crow's nest either when Roxas is okay, or if Lea wants to continue later.]

[Roxas isn't really listening to the conversation anymore. His mind was racing and he wanted nothing else to do with it. Usually when he's confused people don't push him quite so hard, he's never really had the experience of being truly overloaded. When Lea shifts around, he draws his knees up and curls up, his eyes shuttering a little.

He doesn't want to deal with it or anything else. He can feel his mind stop racing, the thoughts drifting away. That's better.]

[Lea heaves a sigh and rests his head on Roxas' shoulder.]

Roxas, if I ever get mad at you for not listening again, just say "well, at least I'm not Marco" and I'll shut up.

[He knows Roxas isn't ready to hear anything else, but there are things he needs to say, since they have at least a few more days on this ship to get through and he knows Marco won't pass up an opportunity to confuse things more.]

If it makes it easier for you, don't even bother to figure out the whole time travel thing. He's just latched on to that as an excuse. We're not talking about time here, we're talking about what's going on right now. Just think about what you know about dark corridors and how darkness connects things.

[Roxas just shakes his head a little. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. He isn't really sure how Lea managed to process all of that, but then again Lea is smarter than him. He leans against Lea heavier.]

My head hurts.

So does mine, believe me. That's what happens when you listen and try to make sense of this stuff. I'm sure Marco's head doesn't hurt at all.

[He rolls his eyes and pats Roxas on the back.]

You think it through, okay? Write down questions if you have to. When we get back, I'll explain everything.

[He makes a frustrated little noise in the back of his throat.]

I'm sure Marco believes all that stuff, but that doesn't mean it's right. That's what he's decided based on hearing what he wants to hear from people who already agree with him. Just think about what you already know. You've lived through this stuff.

I know. I'm just really confused and I don't really know what's going on anymore.

[He frowns and slides his arms around Selphie's middle to lean on Lea as if he were the smaller one.]

I tried.

[Lea pets his hair. This is awkward.]

I know you tried. You're gonna have to try more, too, so don't just give up because you don't get it. Sleep on it, think it over, and we'll talk when we get home.

[Roxas nods a little bit. He just needs time to process everything, that's all.]

Not feeling like myself today...

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