high_seas | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Riku and Natsuno
Where: Up in the Crow's Nest
When: Nov. 19
What: Natsuno is alone up there, on watch, Riku's had enough of his crap.
Warnings: Discussion of suicide, death, possibly other unpleasantries
Style: Prose
Status: Closed

It was a relatively peaceful night, all things considered. There wasn't much to keep watch with, but perhaps more that Natsuno couldn't sleep. Ever since his nightmare, he'd found himself having a bit of difficulty with his memories and while he might be able to keep them at bay at times, now when he's alone, it's too difficult.

The night was so calm out on the water, unlike what was going on internally. He found himself sighing a lot. After a little while he pulled out the stake which he had handy and balanced it on his fingers. If only he had the strength, he'd have done something about this already. He wasn't sure why people didn't understand why he needed to be eliminated. All of this camaraderie, the kinds of people who didn't expect anything out of him, he wasn't used to it. It had been too long, and the only person in town like them was Tohru. Tohru who never deserved to die in the first place, but maybe that wasn't all, maybe Shimizu annoying as she was, didn't deserve it either. If only the vampires had left their village alone, he wouldn't be in this predicament.

If he had realized when it was Tohru's turn, if only he had known he could have done something. He would have. It was with these thoughts that Natsuno was lost, staring out into the void.

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"Tohru-chan is as dead as I am." Natsuno grumbled softly. "He didn't deserve to die."

He just shook his head. "Think about it. Even providing I live, I will be sixteen forever. There's not a lot of prospects to what I could do with this so called life. Even as I turn seventeen, eighteen, twenty, thirty...I will look like this. Never changing. What could I do with that?"

"Of course he didn't. But you can't change whatever happened." Riku's brow furrowed. "And you could do a lot of things. Whatever you want, actually. Yeah, maybe you'll look young forever, but that's a terrible reason to just give up. And you've got years before looking too young would become a problem anyway. Maybe you'd even be able to find some other vampires like you who aren't...I dunno. Crazy."

He went quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again it was with a softer voice.

"How long has it been, anyway? When did Tohru die?"

"The other Jinrou were content to work for the vampires. Even Tohru-chan lost control...I saw him do it. I know it can happen."

Natsuno frowned at the mention and he fiddled with the edge of his sleeves as though he were evading the question. "September 16th. A few weeks before I died so, about seven weeks before I came here."

"It can happen. Doesn't mean it HAS to."

Trying to talk about Natsuno's home was kind of fighting a losing battle, and Riku knew it. He wasn't familiar enough with the situation, and didn't know the people involved. It was easy to say maybe Natsuno could get out and find others like him, other Jinrou who didn't want to work for the vampires and could maybe figure out a way to carry on with life in as normal a way as possible, but Riku didn't actually have any idea what truth to that there was. If any.

Maybe it was better to focus on the here and now. Who knew when they'd be able to go home anyway?

He frowned a little, still curious about Tohru and whether or not he was actually dead, in the way Riku defined it.

"Is he still around as a vampire? Or is he...gone?"

"I don't know. I don't know how long it will be until I lose control. Maybe I won't, but the people who turned into vampires didn't become monsters because they wanted to." Natsuno said quietly. "Tohru-chan didn't do those things because he woke up with a desire to kill people. Even Tatsumi at some point probably wasn't completely insane, it's just...they change."

He would probably change. How long could he remain alive, trapped in eternity while maintaining his humanity? What if he gave into his desires more often? Natsuno didn't want to think about that kind of future. He didn't want to become something he hated more then he already did.

"He was still a vampire when I left. He's not a vampire in the same way I am though...and the plan was to kill him too, so..."

He was probably dead now.

Riku nodded at that, because fine, maybe there was something that made the vampires turn into...something bad, like Natsuno kept insisting. He wasn't convinced that Tatsumi guy had nothing to do with it, though. He had to have some kind of influence over them. And that still didn't mean it was something that was bound to happen, there had to be a different way things could go.

The news Tohru was still alive—still a vampire, whatever—brought Riku's thoughts to a sudden halt. His eyes narrowed.

"...He's still there? Seriously?"

It could have been Tatsumi, who never had any influence over Natsuno, which could explain why he wasn't so corrupted.

"He's not alive. He killed me, I told you that."

He made a frustrated sound.

"But he still exists. Dead or undead or vampire or whatever the heck you guys are. He's still around."

Natsuno didn't make a sound but he did hang his head a little.

"It wasn't the same. It's not the same. He's not a functional vampire like me. He goes around killing people Riku. He didn't wake up and we didn't talk. I tried to get him to leave them. I tried. He didn't come to see me when he came back, not until he was ordered to. I don't even know what I could say to him...so I didn't. I never told him I came back. As far as he's concerned, I'm dead, just like I thought that before. You didn't see him in the casket, or sit with his siblings, I just...being a vampire isn't the same as being alive."

"I know it's not. Alright? I know, I get it already. It sucks and all that, you don't like it, it changes people. Does that mean you've given up on him?"

He sighed, remaining quiet for a moment. That was what he had done, wasn't it.

"I actively worked towards getting him killed."

Riku stared.

"But you didn't. You said you couldn't go through with it."

"I don't mean that." Natsuno said with a groan.

"After that. I worked hard with Ozaki-sensei to come up with a plan to kill all the Shiki. Including him. Including me."

"...You planned a suicide mission?"

Riku grimaced, dragging a hand over his face.

"That can't possibly be the only solution. I mean—don't you want to see him again?"

It was really hard to explain. "He isn't himself anymore. He's changed into something truly horrifying when he snaps, the rest of the time he's a mess. It's more merciful to kill him, I think." Natsuno said softly.

"When his life ended, I just..." He put his hand to his chest. "It was so hard to breathe. I really did try and save him, but he didn't want to be saved. He's killed people...people he knew, people he grew up with, me."

Natsuno took a shuddering breath. "After he killed me, he snapped like a few other people in town have. He comes to my house every night to lay down a flower and cry. He cries for me. He tells me about his kills...how much he hates himself."

Yeah...Riku gets that not being able to breathe feeling. All too well, really. He looks away with a frustrated sigh.

"I don't believe there isn't another option. And I know what's it like—now. To have your best friend die. I wish I didn't, and yeah, maybe I only had to go through that pain for a week before Sora came back, but. It still happened. And it sucked. So I know it was awful for you, but Tohru came back, too. Maybe not in the best way, and maybe he's different, he's changed, and it's not good, but that just means you have to try harder!"

He looks back at Natsuno, his gaze intense.

"Do you know what would have happened to me had Sora given up on me?"

"I can't leave it so that he's going around killing people for the rest of time."

Natsuno said quietly. His voice is unsteady. It's unfair to make him think of it as being so real instead of the abstract 'vampires'. "That may sound terrible, and it is. I've told you before I'm a horrible person, a monster even."

"Oh my god, shut up. Stop THINKING like that!" Riku snapped. "I'm not saying to let him go around killing people, I'm saying there's got to be another solution!"

He threw his arms out suddenly, as if gesturing at the world around them.

"You've got time now, you can come up with another plan while you're here! Something that doesn't involve suicide, maybe even something that will get you AND Tohru out of there and to a better place. Where you can help him!"

"Just because you say that doesn't make it untrue. I'm really confused about how you can just accept me as a vampire. I've bitten you...I just...I don't get it." Natsuno admitted.

"If you think I need to eat a lot, I've got nothing on Tohru-chan. He was eating most nights, I think. It's just not...I don't know. I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't mind suicide. I can't see a future. I'll never be alive again and I don't think I want to live forever."

Riku's arms fell, his hands closing into fists for a moment. Then he dropped to one knee and reached out to grab the front of Natsuno's shirt and haul him forward.

"I mind if you commit suicide! So does Sora, and Ace, Selphie, everyone here on this ship! Doesn't that count for anything?"

It wasn't that comfortable being yanked forward, and he was surprised.

"Hey! I just..." He sighed softly. "It does a little."

"...A little."

He shoved Natsuno back again, then fell back so he was sitting against the opposite side of the crow's nest.

"Fine. You're not going to listen to me, and I can't babysit you, Yuuki."

His head hit the wall behind him, but if it hurt he didn't say so. He grimaced at Riku's words, they were a lot like Selphie's when she'd had enough of him and he wondered why he cared so much.

"I didn't ask you to do that."

Natsuno drew his knees up and curled himself into a ball, hiding his face against his thighs. He didn't want friends, didn't he always say that? On his legs, his fingers tightened, curling the material of his shorts into his fists.

Riku looked away, refusing to feel bad when Natsuno curled into a ball. And he wasn't going to take back what he'd said, either.

"Yeah, but apparently you need someone to if you're going to act so childish. Anyway, I don't think you'll actually go through with it."

"I would do it." Of that, Natsuno was certain. He didn't know how all of his lines had become blurred so quickly in this damn place. This wasn't home, there wasn't the same kind of danger and it was almost fun to be with friends again.

Whether or not he should live however, was a different matter. He wasn't sure why Riku had so much faith in his ability not to snap and kill them all. What he had become was a burden on everyone around him. He drank their blood and he offered little in return.

His expression changed to something a little more distant as his mind shifted through the knot that was his thoughts. Why he'd come there and started to behave like he was human again, he had no answer for that.