high_seas | [Log || 003]

Entry tags:

[Log || 003]

Who: Riku & Natsuno
Where: Crow's nest on the Sun.
When: February 17th, after the Valentine's Day candy craziness.
What: Talking, a confession, and we'll see where it goes.
Warnings: None, I think.
Style: Action.
Status: Closed.

[Riku probably should've done this sooner, but the past couple of days have been a little crazy with the candies making everyone go bonkers and then Ace having them set sail all of a sudden. He hasn't been avoiding talking to Natsuno...not really.

...Maybe a little.

But he knows Natsuno is scheduled for watch duty right now, so it seems like as good a time as any. He makes his way over to the Sun from the Moon, then climbs up to the crow's nest and pokes his head over the edge.]

Boo.

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[He can't really bite back the exclamation or the narrowing of his eyes.]

What the hell, Riku?!

[Winces, his eyes squeezing shut for a moment.]

I know, I know! I'm sorry!

[Opens them again, looking at him straight on.]

Natsuno, I am so sorry, it just—I don't know what happened. He kissed me out of nowhere and then said it was because of some stupid candy and then we were arguing and he said something and I—

[Drags one hand over his face.]

I don't...have any good excuse. There isn't an excuse.

[He's sorry, but he's also right, there's no excuse. He can't stop staring at him, but his mouth is pulled into a tight frown. It's hard to have something to say. There are a lot of things he wants to say but at the same time he's afraid of the answer.]

So you kissed Sora.

[He says this flatly.]

[Swallows.]

Yes.

[He has to ask questions, he can't just sit here staring at Riku, although that might be preferable.]

...And?

[It's the best he could manage, he's avoiding the question he has to ask.]

And...I don't know.

[Weak. Riku frowns, but it's mostly directed at himself.]

We haven't exactly talked about it much. It's been weird since.

I don't know what you want me to say here Riku. Do you want me to give you my blessing?

[He crosses his arms.]

[Frowns more.]

No. I don't want you to say anything. You just...deserved to know. I guess.

[Unfortunately, he's losing his temper and Riku's not going to get off that easily. Especially when he tells him he doesn't want him to say anything.]

So, what now, you want to be with him? What are your plans here? Did you come here to break up with me?

[It's not like he thought this was going to be easy anyway, and if he were in Natsuno's shoes right now he has no idea what he'd be doing. So he can hardly blame him.

But those questions are...hard.

He slumps back against the side of the crow's nest, his eyes lowering.

When he speaks, the words come slowly and deliberately, like he's carefully thinking about what he wants to say.]

It's not about wanting to be with him, that's... I don't even know where his head is at right now, but whatever he's thinking or feeling has nothing to do with this. And it wouldn't change the way I feel about you.

[He draws in a long breath.]

....That being said, I don't know if it's...fair...to you. To stay together.

[Natsuno stares at him some more, frowning. He's trying to keep his emotion out of it before answering.]

So, did you lie to me before then?

[More then that, he feels a little insulted.]

All the crap you gave me about Tohru, and this is what happens?

[Tenses, looking up again, and part of him bristles at being accused of lying but the bigger part of him knows he deserves whatever Natsuno says to him.]

Hey, I never lied to you. And—

[His brow furrows as he tries to quickly run through the various conversations they've had about Tohru, but it ends with him making a face and rubbing the bridge of his nose.]

What does Tohru even have to do with this...

If you didn't lie to me, then tell me what's going on here. I mean, I don't understand. You said that you wanted to be with me.

[He sucks in a shuddering breath.]

Am I competing with Sora? Because I don't think I can.

[He gives a weak snort and a shake of the head.]

Nothing, because I put him behind me. Just like I said I would.

And I said that because I meant it! Sora had nothing to do with any of that, it's never been a competition or about picking and choosing or anything like that! I told you I liked you that first time because I did. I do.

[Makes a frustrated sound, his hand sliding back into his hair and gripping tight.]

But this thing with Sora... I have tried to put it behind me, I told you, I do my best not to think about it. We have so much shit between us and I've let jealously and resentment get the better of me before, it's not something I'm ever letting happen again on any level. So I shoved it aside because I couldn't go through life wanting him when he didn't feel the same way!

[He only belatedly realizes that his voice was steadily getting louder throughout all that, and he forces it back down to a reasonable level before speaking again, letting his hand fall at the same time.]

I thought, you know. Eventually he'd end up with Kairi and I could...be happy for them. Probably. He never had to know that I...

[Weakly:] But now. Now it's all messed up.

[He sighs softly.]

All messed up, huh.

[Natsuno swallows.]

Put aside Sora's feelings for a moment, and even my own. [If Riku is thinking of that.]

What do you want to do?

[Glances up at him briefly, snorting lightly.]

Aside from figuring out a way to reverse time, you mean?

[Then he groans a little, his eyes sliding shut.]

I have to come clean with him. I owe him that much, and besides, I told him I would. ...I'm scared it's gonna end with us someplace we can't come back from, but I guess I've put it off long enough. And hurt enough people.

[He hadn't realized the hope he'd been feeling because it feels like the ground has been taken out from under him, his heart in his stomach.]

I see.

[Wince. Massive wince. He cracks an eye open, then opens both and sits up straighter so he can lean forward a bit. He wants to move over there, closer to Natsuno, but doesn't.]

I can't not.

[His voice sounds a little more desperate than he'd like, like he's looking for approval or something, but he knows that's not Natsuno's job to give it to him. This is a decision he has to make by himself, and then he has to own up to it.]

It doesn't mean anything is going to happen, it's just...a conversation we have to have. But I don't think you should have to wait around while we figure things out. I can't ask you to do that.

[He feels like it's partly his fault for being in this position. He has been over-invested in Riku. He'd let him in much further then perhaps he should have, but he hadn't taken into account that this would happen.]

It isn't like I have anywhere to go.

[He's frowning though.]

I didn't think I was...some kind of back up, I mean. I should've...I don't know. I didn't think it would come to this, you confessing to Sora. Perhaps I was a little naive.

You're not.

[He says it immediately, then huffs a little.

Screw it, he's moving closer.

He slides forward, kneeling in front of Natsuno and meeting his eyes.]

Sorry if it looks that way, but that's never how I thought of you. Sora wasn't even—I don't know how to say this without it coming out all wrong.

[Chews on his lip for a moment, thinking.]

He wasn't an option. He was never going to be an option because I wasn't going to tell him. He's my best friend, that's it, that's what I accepted before I even got to know you. I screwed up when I kissed him, alright, I know that, and now I have to explain myself, but it's not...it's not really a confession. I don't think.

[Scrubs a hand through his hair.]

I mean, am I supposed to pretend it didn't happen? I can't change what we did, it's too late for that. I thought...dealing with it would be the best next step.

[Natsuno swallows.]

But now he is an option or something like that. I could...understand if you were sitting here telling me you want to be with me, but you aren't doing that.

[Why wasn't he doing that? Didn't Riku like him? He shoves the questions as far down as he can.]

[Deflates a bit.]

...I don't know if he is or not. Either way, I think I need to take a step back and sort my own head out.

[Peers at Natsuno, brow furrowed.]

And I guess I just assumed you'd hear all that and not want to be with me anymore. But...you do?

You're an idiot.

[Natsuno frowns at him. He's trying to think of how to put it.]

And I'm mad, don't get me wrong. You kissed him, you didn't go sleep with him or anything. Never mind my own feelings for you are...

[He sighs.]

What do you think of me here? I mean...

[He's trying so hard to let Riku decide, it's killing him.]

Yeah, I know.

[Rubs the back of his neck as he considers that question.]

I think... Natsuno, you're really important to me. You were even before we started dating. You know, we were tossed into this weird world with a bunch of people we didn't know and you were one of the first people I became friends with. You're still one of the few I'm actually close with. Whatever happens, I don't want to lose that.

[Lets out a breath.]

That's probably selfish.

It is.

[Natsuno frowns at him and sighs. His luck is tremendously bad. He rakes a hand over his face, shaking his head a little bit. ]

First of all, you don't get to decide how I feel about anything. Let me just tell you that right now. That's what makes you an idiot. Making assumptions...I don't know.

[He's quiet for a moment. His voice is quiet when he does answer.]

So you'd...rather be friends? Is that it?

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