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Entry tags:
Seagulls
Who: Spade Pirates, Bloody Roses
Where: THE OCEAN
When: Between 3/8 and 3/21! Official dates not set in stone yet. Will be updated.
What: The Bloody Spades Alliance VS the Navy!
Warnings: PG-13 for fighting and possibly R because Marco might get naked(turn into a bird).
Style: Prose/Action/whatever
Status: Open to Spades/Bloody Roses!
The Spades will be fighting Corpsemaster, one of the Navy Captains set for the Navy Month's event! There will be a forced retreat on both sides.
Feel free to post here with separate threads! We'll update the dates on the main post with links to threads to remain consistent.
Where: THE OCEAN
When: Between 3/8 and 3/21! Official dates not set in stone yet. Will be updated.
What: The Bloody Spades Alliance VS the Navy!
Warnings: PG-13 for fighting and possibly R because Marco might get naked(turn into a bird).
Style: Prose/Action/whatever
Status: Open to Spades/Bloody Roses!
The Spades will be fighting Corpsemaster, one of the Navy Captains set for the Navy Month's event! There will be a forced retreat on both sides.
Feel free to post here with separate threads! We'll update the dates on the main post with links to threads to remain consistent.
The Sun
It doesn't take him long to pinpoint who he hasn't seen yet, and he'll throw this next question out to whoever happens to be in the area.]
Hey, has anyone seen Kairi?
... (...my icon keywords have never been more fitting.)
Finding out that...she was...dead was something he hadn't accepted right away. It wasn't until he'd searched what seemed like every inch of the ship and asked even more people that he realized that it was true. Kairi was...she was...]
...
[Hearing Riku asking about her causes his heart to stop. It's like he's finding out all over again. Blue eyes plant on his childhood friend's face and he can only stare in silence, at first. The flood of emotions cause his throat to practically feel swollen. His chest hurts. No, not just his chest...
His heart, itself. It's almost as though he's trying to send the message telepathically just so he doesn't have to say it, just yet. After those seconds of struggling, he finally finds his voice. Speaking of, it sounds a little...small.]
Riku... [And just with Sora saying his name, it's even more clear just how terrible what he has to say is. With just a short pause, he attempts to start.] Kairi's...
[He immediately has to pause, again. In a way, he feels that it's only...right(?) that it's him telling Riku. After all, she's their best friend. Even after everything that's happened between Sora and Riku--that thing that had made it so they hadn't even been talking remotely as much as they were for a little while, he'll always consider Riku one of the very most important people in his life.
So...even something like how he finds out about their best friend's death matters to him.]
She's... [N-never mind... Just...
It feels as though something just firmly closed around his throat, making it impossible to say even another word. Maybe because it will be a form of accepting it. Really, he can't accept that she is... dead.
Yes, he knows that people can come back in this place. He does know that. He was one of them. The first, in fact, that had been recorded as coming back from the dead. But, there are still those that...don't come back. Not necessarily from the dead, but in general. People have simply vanished and not come back. So...that could happen to...
No!!! He won't... He won't accept it! Kairi will come back. He'll... find a way to make it happen! Whatever it takes, he'll find a way!]
D:
Geez. This is getting a little ridiculous, honestly.
But all of those thoughts vanish from his mind when Sora says his name and Riku actually looks at him. Immediately, there are all kinds of alarms going off in his head, because something is definitely not right. He's never seen Sora look like that before, he's never heard him sound like that before, and.
And really, it's. It's similar. It's like looking into a mirror and seeing himself reflected back at him after what had happened to...
No.
Of all people. Of all people, Kairi should never be someone who ends up—]
Sora...
[Riku takes a step back, staggering a little and reaching for the railing to steady himself as the blood abruptly trains from his face. He feels dizzy, and it's like someone punched him in the gut and then hollowed out his chest, and for a second it's hard to breathe.
But then he's frowning. More than that, he scowls, his grip on the railing tightening, and he looks up at Sora furiously, his voice harsh and gravelly as words he doesn't quite mean to say tear themselves from his throat.]
Can't any of you stay alive for more than five minutes?!
[He sucks in a breath straight after, eyes squeezing shut as he turns his head away and presses the back of his hand against his mouth. After a moment, he glances back at Sora out of the corner of his eye, and his tone is much softer when he speaks this time.]
...That isn't something that— She should never... That kind of thing shouldn't have happened to her. Ever. Of all people...
[He trails off, taking a steadying breath.]
She'll be back.
[Riku sounds certain of this. He has to. It's something he's forcing himself to believe at this point whenever something like this happens. For his own sanity.
He turns to face Sora completely.]
What happened?
A-aw, Riku...
After a couple of seconds, his expression tenses. One hand tightens by his side as his jaw clenches- teeth firmly pressed together. Even when Kairi had seemed like a 'lifeless puppet' as Riku had put it, Sora had a chance of saving her. Even then, it had turned out all he had to do was stab himself in the chest with a Keyblade. In the end it had been more simple than he'd expected. This time, though? This time had been different. He doesn't even know where to begin, other than...to just keep moving forward with finding the shards.
He's not completely surprised that Riku got it. Riku's determination, too...it's kind of nice. For a moment, Sora's expression softens a bit. Maybe he'd really needed to hear that. Realistically, it doesn't change anything. Believing, alone, won't bring Kairi back. But, believing would help them. Sora will continue to believe that she will come back. He will find a way to make it happen, even if she doesn't simply return after that set amount of days. They will find the shards, put them back together, and have everyone returned home in the end. That's the plan he'd decided on from the start- it's the plan he'll stick with.
...It doesn't make the pain any less, but he's going to focus on it. With every ounce of inner strength he can muster, he will- he will keep that determination! He still needs a moment to gather himself, though. Talking about the incident is certainly not going to help with that, but...Riku needs to know. No... he deserves to know the truth.]
She was... [He lifts his head to look at Riku as he says it.] ...She was shot by one of the soldier's guns and... Aya tried to save her. But...
[Sora can be known as several things- a cry baby isn't one of them. Even when things got to be practically unbearable during his journey. Even after he spent time thinking Riku either hated him or had just...gone crazy. Even after losing the Keyblade to him and watching him walk away with his two new-at-the-time best friends. Even after leaving Kairi on the Islands to go search for the guy who was lost in the darkness with the king...
...he hadn't cried. He had put on a brave face and continued moving forward, but... Even the strongest of people have their limits. He's only a teenager. Only human. So, his eyes are stinging. Between being stuck in a world where people keep disappearing or dying... and the stuff that happened with that candy...and the fact that someone completely innocent and pure was killed by this place. He...is no doubt fighting with the urge to drop to his knees and cry for a moment. There's a lump in his throat as he forces himself to fall quiet. No, he isn't going to cry. He's going to be strong and believe that Kairi will be back. They're going to continue looking for the shards. They will all go home together.
He will be strong.]
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The worst part about all of this isn't even that she...died. Somehow. For Riku, at least, but then he's become kind of jaded regarding death in this world. It's that she was hurt, that she might have suffered before finally slipping away. She'll come back, Riku knows that, he won't let himself believe anything different, but he can't bear the thought of Kairi being in pain -- and that he wasn't there to help her.
He draws in a shuddering breath, then swallows and lets go of his shirt, dragging his hand through his hair instead as his eyes open again.]
I really... I'm going to lose it. This place—
[He feels weighed down suddenly. His heart still hurts, and there's sorrow and grief and anger coiling into a tight ball in his gut and all of it is leading to a dangerous place that Riku refuses to let himself go to.
It's more controllable this time, though. With Sora he'd flown into a blind rage, but since then...with Natsuno dying and even Roxas...he knows he can stomp down this feeling that's threatening to overwhelm him. But the fact that it's Kairi makes it difficult.
And Sora.
Sora's not really helping, looking so miserable like that. It's not his fault -- Riku has a feeling that whatever pain he's experiencing himself, Sora is probably feeling tenfold. He wants to help him, and he focuses on that more than anything. Strength in numbers, right? Suffering the pain of a lost friend is never easy by yourself, but together...
He lets his hand fall from his hair, but rather than letting it drop completely, he spreads his arm out to the side a little. It's an invitation, one he's sure Sora will recognize. Even if he's not the one to usually initiate hugs between them.]
...Hey.
THANKS A LOT, RIKU. He was trying NOT to cry, you-... you jerk.
His expression turns concerned at Riku saying he's going to lose it.
That's not something he likes hearing. Ever. No, they have to stay strong. Just as he starts to open his mouth to try encouraging his friend to hang on- that he would figure something out...]
Wh-...
[Something about Riku offering the hug makes staying strong against the urge to cry... kind of difficult. He looks down for a moment, eyes closing. They hadn't even really talked in what felt like...forever. Then, it's almost as though his body had decided for him. He steps forward, wrapping both arms around the slightly older teen. Immediately, his hands grip the back of Riku's shirt- he doesn't even realize he's doing it, at first. Maybe it was a bad idea for him to hug Riku, though- only considering that he's trying not to cry.
The thoughts immediately push forward. Without having a chance of stopping it, his mind is bringing forth images of what it might have...looked like. Her falling into the water. The look she might had had on her face. The...blood. Yeah, there would be lots of that...right? The worst part was that neither Sora nor Riku were there to help her. What might she have been thinking about with neither of her best friends being there? He knows she's not the type to hold that against them. Deep down, he does consider that maybe she was strong until the end...
Another realization slowly etched itself into the back of his mind. Maybe this is not completely about what happened to Kairi. Yeah, some of it's about the fact that he'd really missed Riku. He'd missed him a lot. But he'd given him his space... because he'd been so sure that was what Riku needed. Either way, the tears manage to slip out. His grip tightening on Riku's shirt, he moves to press his face against Riku's chest. Teeth clenched together, he speaks in a low tone.]
You're-...you're right. She'll be back. She has to come back.
[He does his best to maybe not sound as though he is crying. To sound strong. It's a valiant effort, but it doesn't quite work the way he'd hoped.]
Whoooops! Poor bb. ;_;
He exhales in a rush, trying to keep his own emotions in check. If that means defaulting back to teasing and familiar ground, well. He's only trying to lift the mood. Somehow.]
Still a crybaby... [He says it fondly, his words soft.] Come on, pull it together. She wouldn't want us falling to pieces.
[His breath hitches anyway, and he has to swallow back his own urge to cry. Not now. Ignore the burning behind your eyes. Stay solid, be the support Sora needs.
He hangs on to him for a moment longer, not really wanting to let go, but eventually he does pull back a bit so he can look down at Sora's face. He brushes a thumb across one of his cheeks, wiping away the wetness there.]
It'll be okay. [And cue injecting as much confidence into the statement as he can. He even manages a small smile.] In a couple days, this will be behind us. And then you two can start a club. With Natsuno. ...And Roxas and Selphie. I'll have to lurk around outside your clubhouse because I didn't get an invite.
/pets them both :c
That sound in his friend's voice makes his chest hurt even more, though.
The smile quickly fades as he focuses on calming himself. Teasing, and all, Riku has a point. Sora does have to pull it together. Kairi definitely wouldn't want him crying. If he's busy crying, he won't be able to focus on what he needs to do. They have to keep searching and watching one another's backs. Closing his eyes, he exhales.
The way the cool air immediately creeps between them as they separate...
A bit of the comfort he'd been deriving from the closeness is zapped away- just like that. He doesn't have any time to dwell on that, however. Feeling a slightly strange sensation at the thumb wiping the tear away...
Somewhere in the back of his mind he's remembering the things that happened with that candy. He pushes that aside. Man, there's so many things he's having to force himself not to think about. The smile is comforting- as are the words, ...somehow. Maybe because it's a reminder of just how many people have come back. Why should it be any different for Kairi...?
The last part causes his brow to tense as he looks down. Just the idea of Riku dying, as well--even with the chance that he'd be back...it causes his chest to tighten. It isn't a matter of whose death would hurt him the most. It's a matter of, after already feeling the pain of one best friend dying, he'd be feeling the pain of the second dying. He gets that Riku's trying to cheer him up- but, what about him?
Reaching up to scrub a hand through the back of those ridiculously spiky locks, he forces a smile. Somehow, this reminds him of that time he was saying goodbye to Hayner, Pence, and Olette. Of course, this time, it's the reversal of him crying after smiling. The smile doesn't last very long- and, the whole time it's there, his eyes don't quite match with it.
In spite of speaking in a soft tone, there's a certain obvious determination in his voice.]
...And I plan to do whatever I can to make sure you don't. [His expression is firm for a moment, then tenses.] We're gonna find those shards, Riku. We're gonna find them, put them back together, and go home. I've had it with this place! [He hadn't meant to yell that last part.]
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He briefly wonders if it's unhealthy, this stark denial he has going on. It's a flimsy mental defense, and one that's easily wrecked. What if one time it's different, for example? What if Kairi is the one who doesn't come back—?
...And nope. Not going there.
If denial is what's going to keep him sane in this world, then so be it. Sora's death nearly ruined him, that feeling isn't something he can go through again.
He's still got a hand kind of cupping Sora's face at this point, and it's only when Sora reaches up to muss up his hair that Riku let's the hand fall. He should...probably stop touching him anyway. Maybe. Or maybe he should stop his brain from going to those places because they've got enough other stuff on their plates right now. Not really the time.
...Hasn't been the time for a month now, though. They keep pushing it aside. Eventually they're going to have to actually talk about it, but...
Later. Always later.
When Sora speaks, showcasing that famous determination of his, Riku can't help but grin a little. It's like he thinks it'll be that easy to just single-handedly keep Riku out of the "club". Or like going after these shards hasn't been the goal all along.
He nods, though. Even through the yelling, which actually makes Riku snort a bit. It's always a little reassuring to see Sora so sure.]
Alright, crazy, calm down. We'll find them.
[He hesitates a moment, then reaches out to brush some of the hair off of Sora's forehead...despite what he'd been thinking all of two seconds ago about how he needed to stop touching him.]
...Don't start hating this world, Sora. That's a dangerous place to let yourself go to. It'll only make you bitter when we're inevitably stuck here for another year.
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...Well, it's- not the first time things have been weirdly complicated between him and his best friend.
There's a pause as Riku assures him that they will find them. Then, Sora's expression softens just a bit as he feels that hand brush his forehead. Eyes resting on Riku's face, he can feel that weird fluttering return. It takes a few seconds but he slowly manages to look down.]
...I know. It's not... [Yeah, that's...very true. He shouldn't be thinking like that, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how wrong it is that Kairi died. In the end, they all have to keep their hearts strong. Being angry and bitter... and filled with any kind of hate isn't going to help anything. It'll only make it harder.]
You're right... [After a short pause.] Uh...Riku? I know- ...things have been a little weird, and all, but... [Because now seems like the absolute best time, ever, to be bringing that up. Clearly.] I guess what I'm trying to say is...I've missed you.
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I haven't gone anywhere. Literally sleep right across the room from you every night.
[Or most nights, anyway. When he doesn't volunteer to take the late shift on watch, which...is something he's been doing more often lately, admittedly.
But he knows that's not what Sora means. And pretending he didn't feel the same way would be a huge lie. He rubs the back of his neck for a second, before glancing back at Sora.]
I've missed you, too. ...A lot. [Pauses, then he just kind of blurts out:] Look, I'm really sorry about—everything. It's my fault things got weird.
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His expression softens at the last part, though. There's a bit of a warmth in his chest at it, too. It's nice to know that he'd been missed, too. Sora's shoulder's drop a bit, a hand moving to press against the back of his own head.]
It's not just your fault. It was mine, too. You're not the only one who... [He pauses a bit.] A-anyway...I'm sorry, too.
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[Hogging the blame on this one, okay. He drums his fingers on the railing for a moment, then shifts and turns away from Sora again to prop both elbows on it instead. He leans out, looking down at the ocean and not bothering to push his hair back when it falls forward and curtains his face.]
You always get on me for keeping secrets. You'd think I would've learned by now.
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Staring at the deck a moment, he finally breaks the silence with a soft sigh. He steps forward a few times and grips the rail next to Riku, only to quickly hoist himself up, turn, and sit on top of it. He sits there for a moment in silence, hands gripping the bar on each side, feet dangling idly. Right now, he needs to do anything but...sit and dwell on what happened to his other best friend.]
Well... [He starts with a slightly thoughtful expression cast off to the side, away from Riku. His voice, while still being firm, lacks some of its usual spark. Hey, bouncing back is Sora's forte, yes... But, bouncing back from a person's death is tough enough as it is. It being one of his best friends...? Well, put simply, he's not just going to be bouncing back, any time soon.] ...there's no point in beating yourself up over it.
[After turning his head to look over at his friend, he's reaching to scratch at the back of his head. He manages a smile.] Besides, what's done is done.
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What's that mean? Are we...
[Hnngh, what to say. He picks absently at his shirt for a second, which...he belatedly remembers is still splotched with Natsuno's blood. Ew. At least it's dried by now, but.
...Crap, he just left a seriously injured Natsuno by himself in the galley.
Double crap, one of his best friends is dead.
This day already sucks enough, why does he have this masochistic urge to make it worse by sorting through his relationship problems now of all times when it's probably only going to end badly?
He huffs a little, propping his chin on his hand.]
Should I be trying to put it behind me? Forget it happened, move on, all that?
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The question causes Sora's expression to tense. His breathing comes to a pause as he slowly frowns. That's not how he'd meant it, after all. Sora can feel his heart speed a little as he thinks on the question.
He doesn't want that, at all. It doesn't just matter what he wants, though. It's way more complicated than that.
For that reason, he's been trying to give Riku time...space...]
That's not what I meant. [He lets out a slightly frustrated sigh.] After all that happened...I was trying to give you plenty of time to work things out. It was more complicated for you, than me. You had Natsuno to talk to and sort things out with, after all.
[His expression softens.] The problem is, ...that was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. Giving you space, I mean. But it gave me time to think. [Gripping the rail a little more tightly, he leans back just enough to look up at the sky.] Even with all the thinking, there's still things I'm confused about, but... that's okay. I'm done trying to figure every little thing out. I think it's okay to be confused about some things. [He manages a smile. It's a little weak, but it's there.]
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[Well. That's only partially true. It both was and wasn't complicated, but in the end the decision had been pretty easy.]
I broke up with him. Like, a month ago. [Gives a humorless laugh.] It took him by surprise. Understandably, I guess. I didn't mean to hurt him, but I think in the long run staying with him would've been worse. It wouldn't have been fair to him...and I wasn't being honest. I like him, but...
[He falls silent and shrugs, letting that sentence hang. After a moment, he turns his head to glance at Sora.]
What are you confused about?
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The silence was matched by Sora. When Riku speaks again, Sora lifts his head to glance back over at his friend.]
Well, uh... Guess what I'm mostly confused about, is why I didn't actually realize my feelings...before it was too late... [He looks away.] The thing is, I always knew you meant...a lot to me, but I guess with everything that was happening... [He trails off and pauses.]
A-anyway... [Actually, never mind, his thoughts are everywhere. Not just his thoughts, either. His emotions, too. With everything going on, who can blame him?]
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Whatever other tangled up mess of thoughts are circling around his head abruptly clear, and he straightens up off the railing so that he's more on eye level with Sora, looking at him directly. His brow furrows, and he speaks -- almost demands, really -- in a tone that's tinged with disbelief and a sense of urgency.]
What feelings?
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Er...
He's giving Riku a bit of a surprised look. W-well, it's a little late to be freaking out, now. What's said, is said. He'd been meaning to tell it all, eventually, right? He'd just been holding off, because of the whole..."don't keep secrets" thing. Look who's been keeping one, himself, Riku.
Looking away, again, he lifts a hand to scratch at the back of his head.]
W-well, uh... [He's glad to be looking away, because his face is now turning red.] The truth is, I stopped talking to Natsuno on purpose. I didn't understand why, but...I was angry. A little at...him. It wasn't even his fault, either.
[He paused a moment, turning his head to look down at the deck.] When I... walked in on you guys in our room? Remember...that thing I said I'd tell you later? [He lets out a frustrated sigh shifts his eyes up at Riku.]
I'd realized that, the whole reason I was angry- was because I was jealous of him. Then, the stuff with that candy happened, and...
[He looks to the side, again, face turning just a little red. Well, this isn't how he'd expected to tell Riku any of that. At all.] So, you see? It... wasn't just you. I was keeping a secret, as well.
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Then blinks again.
Sora was jealous? Of Natsuno?
Riku sucks in a slow breath, his heart pounding in his chest and his eyes a little wide as he just looks at him. He snaps himself out of it with a brief shake of his head.]
Sora.
[And then out of nowhere a laugh bursts out him, over in seconds but surprised and happy this time nonetheless. He swallows it up quickly because it's probably an inappropriate reaction -- he knows how uncomfortable it can be to be jealous of someone, and god, the timing of this conversation is a little horrible, but what can you do?
He covers his face with his hands for a second, groaning lightly, then he's pushing them back into his hair and staring at his friend again.]
Jesus, Sora— Just so we're clear, exactly what secret do you think I've been keeping this time?
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Sora can feel guilt creeping in, though. It brings a sort of sick feeling to his stomach. The conversation is definitely not fitting for this moment in time. Distraction needed, or not.
At the question, Sora's brow tenses as he looks at Riku with a bit of surprise. Well...he actually has no idea. He only knows what Riku said just minutes earlier.] I dunno, actually. I do know you said something, earlier, about not being honest to Natsuno. And, before that, you mentioned that...you thought you would've learned about not keeping secrets... Or something like that.
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Okay...
[He blows upwards at his bangs, then turns so that he's leaning back against the railing now, resting his elbows back on it. It allows him to look away from Sora, and puts him in a position that at least appears casual, even if on the inside he's anything but as his gut abruptly twists into knots.]
Okay, here's the thing. And -- do what you want with this, I'm not...expecting anything. And I know...I know that despite whatever confusing emotions you've got going on, uh...regarding me. That I'm not the only person you might...have feelings for.
[There's a pause as he glances over his shoulder down at the water, and his stomach sinks a bit. Kairi's usually all about talking things out, though...so maybe it's okay? He's not sure he can stop now anyway. It feels like everything is about to just come blurting out of him, and he actually has to focus to keep his thoughts straight so he says the right thing.]
...And obviously things are...not great. Right now. Anyway, it's not like I need an answer or anything, that's all I'm saying. It's just...this is something I should've told you a long time ago. Maybe.
[He swallows and glances at Sora, then turns his head to face forward again, lowering his eyes as he takes a deep breath and then exhales in a rush. A small, barely-there grin forms on his face when he finally speaks.]
So, I'm kind of in love with you.
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That had been part of the reason Sora has been so confused. He isn't sure how it's possible to care for more than one person in that kind of way. It's...such a touching subject. Just thinking about her makes his stomach twist into knots...and a weight slam down on his chest. Right now, his own stomach is sinking. When he hears Riku continue speaking, though, he latches onto those words and slowly looks back up at him.
A long time ago...? Just how long has Riku been keeping this secret?]
...
[Nothing could have expected him for what Riku just said. Sora's face freezes and he, for a moment, doesn't even realize he had stopped breathing. About the time he realizes just how hot his face has suddenly become, though, he's remembering to inhale.]
W-wait, you mean...? [Well, he's definitely been stunned to the point of not being able to properly form sentences. For a moment, he's silent for the sake of maybe gathering words into a somewhat understandable order.]
W-well, that's... not what I expected, but... [And Sora's looking back down, his hand moving back down to grip the rail. Wow, so... why was swallowing suddenly so hard? His mouth and throat felt...really dry, all of a sudden. Heart racing, he looks back down at the deck. The question he's attempting to figure the answer out to, now, is...how does he feel about it?
He knows he loves him- without a doubt, he loves the guy. That's the complicated part, though. He's loved him as a best friend for so long. So many things happened with him just...chasing him around, though. Something has changed, however. He can't deny that. Had his feelings maybe evolved around the time he'd finally found Riku...in that form he'd taken after his battle against the darkness? Or...is it a more recent development? Maybe after arriving here?
The thing is...that kiss--or, rather, how he'd felt during it--had left him thinking...a lot about Riku. He'd sort of been focused on the fact that Riku was with someone. So, he'd forced it from his mind every time he'd realized what he was doing to himself. He shift his thoughts away from him. Kairi was on his mind, too, of course. He never had to fight against thinking about her. But, he's always assumed she cares about him as nothing more than a best friend. She's a forgiving person, so he assumes she had been kind to him about the fact that his kiss had been influenced by some candy. So it wasn't that he'd ever had to force himself to not think about her- he'd just set his mind that it'd never go beyond his own head. His own thoughts.
Crap, his dry mouth and throat's even gone and made talking difficult. His words come out with just a bit of a struggle.] How long...is a 'long time ago'...?
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And he looks pretty gobsmacked. It was that much of a surprise, huh?
But...at least Sora hasn't turned tail and run away because of what Riku said. That was the first hurdle, right? He tries to remember that, and to remember that Sora asking questions is probably a good thing.
Even if they're hard to answer.
Riku hums a little as he thinks of what to say, crossing his arms now instead and tipping his head back to squint up at the sky. His heartbeat is going a little crazy and he feels hot all over, but he tries to ignore all that. Shit, he can't believe he told him. Did that seriously just happen? And now Sora wants to know how long it's been...]
I don't know -- forever ago? [Shrugs a bit helplessly.] I think it's always been there in one way or another, I just didn't know it when we were kids. It explains all the pigtail pulling, though.
[He cracks another smile, a touch teasing and self-mocking and fond all at the same time, and steals another peek at Sora before looking away again just as quickly.]
But no, to be honest...I've only just recently kind of put words to it. I spent months letting it bring out all the wrong emotions— [Bitterness, jealously, an almost dangerous possessiveness over the other boy...] And then spent even longer actively trying to ignore it. Right up until a few weeks ago.
[Funny how you can not know what the heck to say and then end up bubbling over with words anyway.]
I guess, though...if I had to really pinpoint a time when I was suddenly aware of it, of feeling like that...it was when you died. I've never felt so wrecked in my entire life, Sora, it was horrible. Seeing that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. [He draws in a shaky breath and then gives another one of those soft laughs, rubbing his hand across his forehead.] But then you came back and I figured...after everything, we didn't need me throwing that into the mix. And messing everything up. Messing us up.
Besides...you and Kairi. That's the future. [His grin fades and his whole body tenses up as he crosses his arms a little tighter. Just that quickly, the doubts start pouring back in. But...it is what it is. He'd mentally prepared himself for that ages ago.] ...I've always known that.
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