Who: The Spade Pirates Where: Serenes When: April 10th-13th What:chillin' out maxin relaxin all cool Gathering supplies Warnings: Nothing more than the usual Status: Open
[As long as he doesn't try to put a flower crown on his head, Ikki's perfectly fine with a phoenix crown. He reaches up to pet the other a bit.]
It's funny how not even at night this place shuts up.
[The living sounds are different during the day and the night, but they are still there and equally loud. Just as the island's aura, refusing to give them even a moment of rest.]
Songs have never been my thing, so don't ask me. Unless you want me to sing you the lullabies I used to sing Shun when he was a baby.
[It has been a long time since he sang, though, and while he remembers the lyrics, he probably would suck at them. Though he could whistle them maybe.]
Don't tell them about the song or about Marco being scared of thunders?
[There's a soft laugh though it lacks traces of mockery or even actual humor, it's hard to bring that forth in this place. He listens, again raising a hand to pet the bird on his head.
Songs sung by a parent in order to soothe their childrens' fears. Probably his mother sang them to him as well, it's the only way he can think to explain why he would know any lullabies to begin with. But the truth is he can't remember her singing even once, it's not a surprise though, he can't really remember having anyone taking care of him besides Esmeralda during his training, but even while she helped him to recover and was a balm to his soul, she wasn't as soothing as he assumes parents were. It's something he can't even begin to imagine, what Marco felt or thought when his father took the time to calm his fears and sang that to him.]
You know, from what you've told me about him, that kind of song really seems to fit him.
[Or stand guard or something. Not that it would be needed or that Marco would admit to it, most probably. Ikki certainly doesn't count on it, he's an older brother. A phoenix older brother. Admitting weakness isn't something easy for them and being scared is a weakness as far as he can see.]
Would you want him to come here? Ever think of that?
[It's true that Marco would have a very tough time admitting it, but he still might ask Ikki to sing all the same. Because no matter what Ikki says, Marco's one hundred percent decided that Ikki is a little brother and he'd equally determined not to let him forget it.]
Every damn day.
I know I'm spoiled. I got to spend the most time with him of all my family. I didn't even go hunt Blackbeard alone to get vengeance for Thatch because I didn't want to leave Pops, Ace did it instead. I was with Pops every step of the way, and it still never feels like enough time for me.
But even beyond my own selfishness, if he was here for Ace, Thatch, Namur, you, Leanne, and the others that would be enough for me. Ace is strong and carrying on his own, but because he left us early he got the least amount of time with Pops, and Akainu trapped him by insulting Pops. With Ace's temper, Ace couldn't let it slide.... so I know he misses him a lot more than he'll ever show.
I'm their big brother, aye, but I'll never be Pops.
You're not spoiled, don't say that. You know that even if he had been able to live a thousand of years, at the end it would still not feel like enough time.
[Unless Whitebeard was a phoenix as well at the very least. That much, not feeling that it was enough time, is something he can understand even if he has no one for whom he has such loyalty. His brothers, maybe, but he has done a good job in raising a wall between them and himself so it's logical that it will never feel like it was enough time for him.]
I don't need to have some old man around, even if he is your father. But I take your brothers would need him.
[He doesn't need a father, maybe in the past, but now he's way to old for that anyway.]
And I don't think he or the others would want you to be him anyway. Who would make everyone flower crowns then?
Maybe you would still, but that would make it hard to see you as a father figure you know.
[There's no chuckle to accompany the words, but the attempt to teasing humor is there at least. It's not much, but with Marco around he can at least do that.]
[He feels an eyebrow twitch at Marco's words. Adding another son?]
It's then a good thing that he wouldn't get to do so even if he came here.
[The frown increases with the next question, not out of annoyance but of confusion, mostly. What he wants to do? Is there such a thing?]
Follow Ace and you to whatever end there is, I suppose. I've never really considered wanting to do something other than protect my brothers even back home. I've nothing there, and there's even less here unless it's you two and the crew.
[Though admittedly it's mostly Ace and Marco. And Thatch and Namur by extension, everyone else, could be changed by anyone as far as he cares.]
I guess so. You don't really have time to have dreams of your own when you have a baby brother to look after, unless your dreams are to see his dreams come true.
[A pause.]
Though I don't know anymore what my brother's dreams are, or the dreams of my other brothers. It doesn't really matter though, I will just help when they need me until they achieve whatever that is.
I'm not sure what Ace's dream is, but I also want to help him with achieving it. I'm part of the crew so I don't need permission for that from you or the others, right?
[Ikki hums. It's true, even now that he's almost at his breaking point, he wants to protect the crew. That's why he's not burning this place. Why he simply tried to warn Selphie and then went away, and will continue doing the same until she finally gets the idea in that brain of hers. He will protect them, even if he wouldn't mind killing someone or burning everyone together with this island, he will kill himself before he does that... And he promised Marco to not do it.]
I know you have no issues with me wanting to protect the crew. But I just thought maybe you wouldn't like that some other phoenix also tries to support Ace besides that. Since he's your little brother.
[He falls silent for another moment and then, he starts to sing softly. Despite his conviction about being a horrible singer he's quite good, not capable of making a living out of that, sure, but he doesn't need to. All he needed to do with his singing was to soothe a crying baby after all, and it always worked.]
Lullaby and good night. In the sky stars are bright, may the moons silvery beams bring you sweet dreams.
Close your eyes now and rest, may these hours be blessed. Til the sky's bright with dawn, when you wake with a yawn.
Lullaby and good night, you are your brother's delight. I'll protect you from harm and you'll wake in my arms...
[Rubs his face into the back of Ikki's head in thought.]
When I was much younger, I didn't want to share Pops. I thought it would mean he'd be taken away from me and I'd be alone again. But he explained then that love isn't something anyone can take away. It just grows. And the more of us there were, and the more he had to share me with my brothers, and I him with them, the more we all could learn to love each other.
It sounded nonsensical and confusing then, but a lot of things Pops said back then were over my head.
Ace is your little brother too, and I am deeply honored to have your help in making sure he will make his dreams come true.
Funny, I have never really seen it that way. Then again, I never had to share anything... Well, there's Shun, but the people who wanted him did intend to keep us separated so it's definitively not the same. Even so, I'm so used to being the older brother that I don't think I would take well someone just arriving and stepping on my toes, no matter how good their intentions.
You're really hung on the idea that he and the others are my brothers too, aren't you? Does that mean that if Shun or the others end here you'll give a hand with them since they will be brothers as well?
[The last part is almost said with humor, not considering that Marco would give a positive answer.]
Nah, too much of a bother. But don't complain if some of them protest... I don't even know if they know that we're brothers. I only told Seiya and I don't know if he told the others or not... So you could get weird looks and complains from all of them except for Shun and Seiya, who are also the youngest so could be convinced even if they had issues with it.
[He can't really see Shiryu and much less Hyoga, being okay with it, though. He doesn't even think they would want to join the Spades even if he's in the crew... Or maybe that would be the reason why they wouldn't want to join. And the Gold Saints were even less likely to accept it even in the brother-in-arms sense.]
Not all forms of brotherly protection are the same as how I look after Ace and you.
Ace needs more attention, and after he left to avenge Blackbeard, I have all the more reason to want to give him that. And you still have a lot to learn about the universe for a phoenix.
[Pokes Ikki's cheeks playfully with his wingtips.]
So young, yoi.
And since this forest has me unnervingly honest, I am soaking in every chance I can get to figure out what it means to be a phoenix and not just Marco too while I'm at it, eh?
So maybe they'd get more free reign. Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they'd be like Namur. That's the nice thing about having so many brothers. They all look after each other too.
Yeah, yeah, sorry for having taken thousands of years to have been born, it's not my fault the procedures were so slow and no one got the memo that I had to be there earlier.
[Deadpan. And who said he wanted to learn about the universe anyway?]
Figure out what it means to be a phoenix? What, does that mean the old man Marco, the crown weaver, doesn't know?
[He's quiet for a moment, tilting his head to think about how to put it all to words. Even phoenix words.]
There are a lot of instincts I don't always understand. A lot of things I know aren't the same as my brothers, but I never even had any other bird-people in my world to compare with.
It's easy to say my desire to be alone is a phoenix thing, but without any other phoenixes, what does that really mean? It could just be a Marco thing.
Even now, I'm glad that Thatch ate his darkness fruit because it means I can see what is us, the fruits, or other.
[Another head tilt and Marco thinks it all through even more.]
Hn, I get what you mean. I always thought most of those things were just me, and that there wasn't any relation with being a phoenix.
[He looks up, arching an eyebrow.]
I don't think there's anything that you can't ask me.
[With others he has several things he doesn't want to talk about or share or just be asked about. Marco, however, pretty much has a free pass, because as he has said, talking with him helps him figure things of himself as well.]
[He shifts and moves his feet so that one is on either side of Ikki's shoulders, ready to grab him as needed, even though it means letting his tail feathers down carefully.]
[Where does he begin?]
[All the pain.]
[He had told Ikki that sometimes you can't always protect someone from being hurt... and lord is that ever true.]
[But did it get both Ikki and Selphie more hurt than necessary? More hurt than it would have otherwise?]
[He's still dizzy in the forest. The constant force of life's will exerting its dominance throws his sense of balance out the window, and it creates a push right back of the other side, the undercurrent of it all.]
[His Pops would want him to be happy, but until now that always just meant fighting for his Pops and the family.]
[In his own world, the endless war will rage on, and even though he doesn't see a way out, the one thing he does know is--]
[Nico Robin lies at the heart of so much of it. Ace's little brother's assassin. Former ally and enemy of a mutual enemy: Crocodile. Someone the whole world would see as a threat, much like his Pops was seen.]
[Wasn't that something he shouldn't touch?]
[He should stay professional.]
[But he doesn't know how.]
[Is it a phoenix thing, an Ikki thing, a Marco thing, a pirate thing, a politics thing?]
[But in this place, didn't he have freedom?]
There's a woman I've vowed to never hurt.
Or at least, as minimally as possible.
[Somethings will always hurt, he told Selphie. It's just a matter of what hurts least.]
But it seems I can't even speak to her right anymore. Everything I mean gets muddied and misunderstood, and then we don't talk about what I meant to or I--
[Tragic heroine was the way Natsuno described Shimizu. He really seemed to hate her. And Selphie said the difference was that Marco would never let a woman see the full rage in him, and light, if he could avoid it, that was true. He hopes he always can.]
Thatch hates it. He knows I'll always make sure that the pain falls on me, and he hates that.
[Another reason Marco couldn't bring it up with him.]
I wanted her to promise me something before I could engage her in a romantic relationship.
[This fucking forest. Sorrow careens through Marco all at once. Like he's lost, but luckily, he's not alone, and he mentally throws up a wing to block it all out. Ikki's there. He's not alone. Ikki understands. He's not alone.]
So that I never reached a point where she got so hurt I could never forgive myself, I wanted to know if she was strong enough to stop me. I wonder if I phrased it wrong. She and Ace thought I was just too chicken to ask her out on a single date, but that's not the case at all.
[Selphie's weak-hearted plea explaining she wasn't strong enough racks through his brain again, but strangely, it bolsters Marco's courage. This is important.]
Is it asking too much?
I told you how the stakes are so high. My brothers are involved in the stakes. Her crew, mine, the world's politics itself are part of it all. And I... just want to walk away. Fold out. The stakes are too high, I don't play like that.
[So then why bother? High rewards or not, it was too dangerous. And Marco was cautious.]
But I can't pretend to stay in the game with a hand this good if I don't at least try.
[Because his inaction could hurt her just as much as trying.]
I told Selphie too late to at least hold her own. I won't let any of my nakama crumple like paper without at least trying, eh?
[He looks up at the stars thinking hard. Robin is sharp, but there's so much they don't know or understand. About each other, people in general, it's complicated.]
It's not enough, but maybe if I could get that through to her...
[If he tried again, sat her down over coffee and after flying to explain in under no uncertain terms not to treat him like a mind reader. Like someone who knew what to do every time and therefore obviously purposely did things wrong and --]
[Maybe it's wishful thinking.]
[Maybe it's a lost cause.]
[He has a straight, he could try for a flush, but the other players are unknown and he usually always plays it safe.]
[But safe isn't good enough.]
[She and Ace kept saying to go all the way, but they didn't know. They didn't understand the stakes.]
[How Marco would always make sure that when they fall, he lands on the bottom to cushion it for her.]
[How sometimes just getting that close to someone, no matter how strong they are will hurt.]
[It always hurts.]
[And the stakes are so high.]
[Marco lightly bites a strand of Ikki's hair in his beak. Careful not to tug it, just quietly holding it, like he did to Thatch's sometimes when he started to braid it.]
I'm sorry.
[He wishes Ikki wasn't hurt. Inevitable or not, risks were awful. They never worked out well. He told Ace how risks always failed him. Garp punched him. And then Ace thought he was just more scared of asking Robin on a date than even of his Grandfather. It wasn't that at all. Asking her out on a date was easy. But it wasn't enough. He'd told Robin that too, but he still suspected she didn't understand.]
[No one ever understood.]
[Did Selphie? She said she wasn't strong enough to understand, so maybe not, but it wasn't a matter of strength. It just was.]
[Maybe some things couldn't be understood.]
[Marco quietly starts braiding a strand of Ikki's hair.]
[It's so foolish anyway. Why is he always so determined to keep playing this game? Hand after hand. It was well out of his comfort zone, but he couldn't check out either. His brothers were counting on him and he was the best at bluffing.]
[Maybe that's why it's so out of his comfort zone. Robin is someone who finds the truth. Lying isn't a defense against her. So how can he protect her? He doesn't even know how to protect her from himself -- and with his luck, the minute he tried to tell her, she'd probably think he meant physically not emotionally or mentally.]
[People are confusing.]
[You don't show them your bad sides, or they get burned. But how could he trust her not to get burned then?]
[Why bother why bother...]
[Sometimes he wished he was as reckless as Ace. Able to run off to hunt Blackbeard because someone had to. Able to risk everything for the sake of emotions.]
I want to try.
To show my brothers it's okay.
[That they can all be free here. That nothing can hold them back, hold them down. That even though things were bad for Ikki with Selphie, no one has to give up.]
But there's another piece I can't see. It's not that I want a guarantee that everything will work out. [He's already sure it won't, but he'll make it fun for her as long as he can.] But how do I tell her how and when to put me in my place? Should I? Is there something else I should say instead?
[Ikki can only properly relax in a volcano, it's the only place where he will manage to get all his defenses down, because normally no one would go there. And even if someone did they would be either an ally or an enemy and even them would be affected by it negatively while he was enhanced. Ever since he arrived to this world, he has only been able to relax once, the rest of the time, the majority of it, he's tense.
The island makes it worse. Not just his mind, his own body rejects this place. He has never felt so tense, every muscle in his being is at the edge of snapping, ready to explode, ready to start a chain of destruction even if he chose to not use his Cosmo. And it hurts, it hurts to be so tense, mentally and physically, it drives him up the wall even more than he is already and there's nothing he can do about it.
He had thought he couldn't get even more tense than he was without his body just breaking due the tension.
Marco proves him wrong and while he listens in silence and with attention, he can feel his body tensing even more. He starts to boil, he wants to explode so much, he wants to destroy everything and everyone. His previous meeting with Selphie replays on his mind and he's just so close to snapping and going to find her and break her head. But he doesn't want to do that, he would die before that, because no matter what she's a crewmate and he will protect her. If he could go back to the past... Maybe he would do it, or at least stop himself from giving in. He shouldn't have. Marco had the best intentions, but he had been wrong, so wrong, not even sending him to talk with her first had helped on that day. And then even when he gave in again, even when he made himself feel like a whore or a puppet for doing so... She had gone off to chase after Aya and then...
He shakes his head, chasing away the thoughts. There's no point to think about that. It only makes him boil more, it only makes him hate her more. Part of him wants to tell Marco to give up on that woman, to ignore it and move on. Phoenixes don't do well with other people, they always get burned and destroyed. No one is strong enough, no one can understand, not even with two phoenixes trying to explain it. There's nothing Marco can do that will keep her from getting hurt, from getting him hurt and to hate himself. And when everything is over, when all there's left are just ashes, he won't even have good memories to refuge in, because there won't be any "good times". There weren't with Selphie, the "good times" they had were before he gave in. And even they were too few.
He doesn't want Marco to be hurt, he doesn't want Marco to hurt someone else. He doesn't want Marco to hate himself more than he does.
He really doesn't get why Marco insists on playing. It wasn't just that there were high risks, there was just no gain, even if he managed to somehow avoid all the risks, what would come from it? Even if it managed to work out between him and that woman... What would that mean? What would that change? It would only last for as long as they are in this world, and if they never get to return... She will eventually wither and die. What will be of Marco then? What will be of Marco when the last of his brothers die even back in his world? When so much time has passed that the name of "Whitebeard" won't be more than just a legend? A story told to scare the childrens or to inspire them depending on who tells it?
Why insist on being close to people when he knows that at the end even if he wins all the hands in the game, all that there is is him sitting alone in a table, playing by himself?
And at the same time another part wants to tell him to give it a try, say that it's fine, that just because it didn't work for him it doesn't mean anything. That maybe Marco's woman will be different, will be better than Selphie. To go and tell that woman exactly what he's telling him, to ask her to put him in place if she feels he's being too much, to hand her a fire extinguisher to use before she gets burned so it can work out for a while and leave without wounds once it's over. But it's the same part that told him that it was fine to give in to Selphie, to give her a chance. And it had been wrong.]
I don't...
[His voice is strangled, he struggles to get it out because it's too much. He doesn't want to talk, he wants to scream, yell in agony, anger and hate, make the whole island be swallowed in a tornado of fire. But he can't do that and he has to speak, Marco waits for an answer, for something. So he battles himself to get the words across.]
I don't think that's asking for too much. You know you can hurt her so you want to try to make it better, so that it never happens or that if it happens she will be somehow protected. So it won't be that bad.
I don't think that's strange or weird to ask her to do that. To not crumble and cry if it gets bad but to fight back before she wants to do that. No matter how strong or confident she feels, I think she should be able to do that if she's really interested. If she really wants to play this game.
[Assuming that she really wants to, that she's not fooling herself and creating this mental image of Marco that she expects he will adhere to. That she can see what she's getting into instead of thinking that this is like one of those romantic novels, that behind that exterior there's something else, that the warnings are just a way to act tough and hide the truth. That she can go and reach for the fire and that it will be just a painting that she can rip to get inside.]
But I don't get it.
Why do you insist on playing this game. No matter how good your hand is, or how well you think you can bluff your way through... The stakes are too high, the risks are too many and all for what? There's nothing to gain. You won't get anything no matter how long you stay on it, or how many rounds you win.
I don't get it.
You can say that being with people makes it better all you want, you can repeat what your father said all you want. You can go around claiming as brothers anyone you want, you could go and make every living being in the world your family and it wouldn't change the fact that we'll gain nothing for playing this shit. At the end of it, everyone gets hurt, everyone is burned by our flames or gets swallowed up whole by the world.
At the end of it all, even if you win all the hands, even if it works out with that woman, even if your brothers can be free and have full happiness here... At the end, it will still be just you. Everyone will leave. Even if you go and grab new people, even if you drag them to play the game with you, sooner or later it's just you sitting alone in that table playing by yourself. And you will have nothing to prove that there was ever someone there playing with you. So why do you insist? Why did you say that it was okay?
I want you to try, but I can't believe that it will ever be fine or okay. It's not okay, it's never okay. And I can't see why it's worth it. We're going to end all alone and there's nothing we can do to change it, so why bother with people? Do you really think that you can make it so that you won't end empty and hurting inside when it's all over?
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Night of the 12th
It's funny how not even at night this place shuts up.
[The living sounds are different during the day and the night, but they are still there and equally loud. Just as the island's aura, refusing to give them even a moment of rest.]
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[Marco shivers a bit. The life of the forest is oppressively loud. Everything breathing, trees and plants, birds and animals, back and forth.]
Thatch and I sing when it gets bad, but I can't think of anything for once.
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[It has been a long time since he sang, though, and while he remembers the lyrics, he probably would suck at them. Though he could whistle them maybe.]
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He sang this in thunderstorms sometimes when I was scared.
Don't tell the others.
[Have some more phoenix singing.]
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[There's a soft laugh though it lacks traces of mockery or even actual humor, it's hard to bring that forth in this place. He listens, again raising a hand to pet the bird on his head.
Songs sung by a parent in order to soothe their childrens' fears. Probably his mother sang them to him as well, it's the only way he can think to explain why he would know any lullabies to begin with. But the truth is he can't remember her singing even once, it's not a surprise though, he can't really remember having anyone taking care of him besides Esmeralda during his training, but even while she helped him to recover and was a balm to his soul, she wasn't as soothing as he assumes parents were. It's something he can't even begin to imagine, what Marco felt or thought when his father took the time to calm his fears and sang that to him.]
You know, from what you've told me about him, that kind of song really seems to fit him.
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He used to sing me this one too.
[Sings this a bit more mournfully.]
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[Or stand guard or something. Not that it would be needed or that Marco would admit to it, most probably. Ikki certainly doesn't count on it, he's an older brother. A phoenix older brother. Admitting weakness isn't something easy for them and being scared is a weakness as far as he can see.]
Would you want him to come here? Ever think of that?
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Every damn day.
I know I'm spoiled. I got to spend the most time with him of all my family. I didn't even go hunt Blackbeard alone to get vengeance for Thatch because I didn't want to leave Pops, Ace did it instead. I was with Pops every step of the way, and it still never feels like enough time for me.
But even beyond my own selfishness, if he was here for Ace, Thatch, Namur, you, Leanne, and the others that would be enough for me. Ace is strong and carrying on his own, but because he left us early he got the least amount of time with Pops, and Akainu trapped him by insulting Pops. With Ace's temper, Ace couldn't let it slide.... so I know he misses him a lot more than he'll ever show.
I'm their big brother, aye, but I'll never be Pops.
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[Unless Whitebeard was a phoenix as well at the very least. That much, not feeling that it was enough time, is something he can understand even if he has no one for whom he has such loyalty. His brothers, maybe, but he has done a good job in raising a wall between them and himself so it's logical that it will never feel like it was enough time for him.]
I don't need to have some old man around, even if he is your father. But I take your brothers would need him.
[He doesn't need a father, maybe in the past, but now he's way to old for that anyway.]
And I don't think he or the others would want you to be him anyway. Who would make everyone flower crowns then?
Maybe you would still, but that would make it hard to see you as a father figure you know.
[There's no chuckle to accompany the words, but the attempt to teasing humor is there at least. It's not much, but with Marco around he can at least do that.]
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[He doesn't completely laugh, but he wiggles his feet in amusement.]
I am the weaver of crowns, yoi.
Even if you say you don't need him, I think you would benefit just as much. Besides, he'd probably die of joy at adding another good fire phoenix son.
Ikki, what is it you want to do in this world?
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It's then a good thing that he wouldn't get to do so even if he came here.
[The frown increases with the next question, not out of annoyance but of confusion, mostly. What he wants to do? Is there such a thing?]
Follow Ace and you to whatever end there is, I suppose. I've never really considered wanting to do something other than protect my brothers even back home. I've nothing there, and there's even less here unless it's you two and the crew.
[Though admittedly it's mostly Ace and Marco. And Thatch and Namur by extension, everyone else, could be changed by anyone as far as he cares.]
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[Marco winds up softly.] I guess you really are that much like me, yoi.
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[A pause.]
Though I don't know anymore what my brother's dreams are, or the dreams of my other brothers. It doesn't really matter though, I will just help when they need me until they achieve whatever that is.
I'm not sure what Ace's dream is, but I also want to help him with achieving it. I'm part of the crew so I don't need permission for that from you or the others, right?
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You don't need permission. I'd expect you to follow through on that and protecting the whole crew no matter what. Because I trust you.
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I know you have no issues with me wanting to protect the crew. But I just thought maybe you wouldn't like that some other phoenix also tries to support Ace besides that. Since he's your little brother.
[He falls silent for another moment and then, he starts to sing softly. Despite his conviction about being a horrible singer he's quite good, not capable of making a living out of that, sure, but he doesn't need to. All he needed to do with his singing was to soothe a crying baby after all, and it always worked.]
Lullaby and good night.
In the sky stars are bright,
may the moons silvery beams
bring you sweet dreams.
Close your eyes now and rest,
may these hours be blessed.
Til the sky's bright with dawn,
when you wake with a yawn.
Lullaby and good night,
you are your brother's delight.
I'll protect you from harm
and you'll wake in my arms...
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[Rubs his face into the back of Ikki's head in thought.]
When I was much younger, I didn't want to share Pops. I thought it would mean he'd be taken away from me and I'd be alone again. But he explained then that love isn't something anyone can take away. It just grows. And the more of us there were, and the more he had to share me with my brothers, and I him with them, the more we all could learn to love each other.
It sounded nonsensical and confusing then, but a lot of things Pops said back then were over my head.
Ace is your little brother too, and I am deeply honored to have your help in making sure he will make his dreams come true.
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You're really hung on the idea that he and the others are my brothers too, aren't you? Does that mean that if Shun or the others end here you'll give a hand with them since they will be brothers as well?
[The last part is almost said with humor, not considering that Marco would give a positive answer.]
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[He means it though. Marco's loyalty is expansive when he wants it to be, and even if he doesn't know them, he knows Ikki.]
[Ikki's goals and his own are too similar for him to bother trying to disentangle them.]
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[He can't really see Shiryu and much less Hyoga, being okay with it, though. He doesn't even think they would want to join the Spades even if he's in the crew... Or maybe that would be the reason why they wouldn't want to join. And the Gold Saints were even less likely to accept it even in the brother-in-arms sense.]
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Not all forms of brotherly protection are the same as how I look after Ace and you.
Ace needs more attention, and after he left to avenge Blackbeard, I have all the more reason to want to give him that. And you still have a lot to learn about the universe for a phoenix.
[Pokes Ikki's cheeks playfully with his wingtips.]
So young, yoi.
And since this forest has me unnervingly honest, I am soaking in every chance I can get to figure out what it means to be a phoenix and not just Marco too while I'm at it, eh?
So maybe they'd get more free reign. Or maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they'd be like Namur. That's the nice thing about having so many brothers. They all look after each other too.
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[Deadpan. And who said he wanted to learn about the universe anyway?]
Figure out what it means to be a phoenix? What, does that mean the old man Marco, the crown weaver, doesn't know?
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[He's quiet for a moment, tilting his head to think about how to put it all to words. Even phoenix words.]
There are a lot of instincts I don't always understand. A lot of things I know aren't the same as my brothers, but I never even had any other bird-people in my world to compare with.
It's easy to say my desire to be alone is a phoenix thing, but without any other phoenixes, what does that really mean? It could just be a Marco thing.
Even now, I'm glad that Thatch ate his darkness fruit because it means I can see what is us, the fruits, or other.
[Another head tilt and Marco thinks it all through even more.]
Can I ask you something?
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[He looks up, arching an eyebrow.]
I don't think there's anything that you can't ask me.
[With others he has several things he doesn't want to talk about or share or just be asked about. Marco, however, pretty much has a free pass, because as he has said, talking with him helps him figure things of himself as well.]
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[Selphie, emotions, talking, words, people, humans, nakama, protection, Robin, romance, spring, renewal, life, history, missions, goals, objectives, work, duty, family, phoenix, flames, Ikki.]
[He shifts and moves his feet so that one is on either side of Ikki's shoulders, ready to grab him as needed, even though it means letting his tail feathers down carefully.]
[Where does he begin?]
[All the pain.]
[He had told Ikki that sometimes you can't always protect someone from being hurt... and lord is that ever true.]
[But did it get both Ikki and Selphie more hurt than necessary? More hurt than it would have otherwise?]
[He's still dizzy in the forest. The constant force of life's will exerting its dominance throws his sense of balance out the window, and it creates a push right back of the other side, the undercurrent of it all.]
[His Pops would want him to be happy, but until now that always just meant fighting for his Pops and the family.]
[In his own world, the endless war will rage on, and even though he doesn't see a way out, the one thing he does know is--]
[Nico Robin lies at the heart of so much of it. Ace's little brother's assassin. Former ally and enemy of a mutual enemy: Crocodile. Someone the whole world would see as a threat, much like his Pops was seen.]
[Wasn't that something he shouldn't touch?]
[He should stay professional.]
[But he doesn't know how.]
[Is it a phoenix thing, an Ikki thing, a Marco thing, a pirate thing, a politics thing?]
[But in this place, didn't he have freedom?]
There's a woman I've vowed to never hurt.
Or at least, as minimally as possible.
[Somethings will always hurt, he told Selphie. It's just a matter of what hurts least.]
But it seems I can't even speak to her right anymore. Everything I mean gets muddied and misunderstood, and then we don't talk about what I meant to or I--
[Tragic heroine was the way Natsuno described Shimizu. He really seemed to hate her. And Selphie said the difference was that Marco would never let a woman see the full rage in him, and light, if he could avoid it, that was true. He hopes he always can.]
Thatch hates it. He knows I'll always make sure that the pain falls on me, and he hates that.
[Another reason Marco couldn't bring it up with him.]
I wanted her to promise me something before I could engage her in a romantic relationship.
[This fucking forest. Sorrow careens through Marco all at once. Like he's lost, but luckily, he's not alone, and he mentally throws up a wing to block it all out. Ikki's there. He's not alone. Ikki understands. He's not alone.]
So that I never reached a point where she got so hurt I could never forgive myself, I wanted to know if she was strong enough to stop me. I wonder if I phrased it wrong. She and Ace thought I was just too chicken to ask her out on a single date, but that's not the case at all.
[Selphie's weak-hearted plea explaining she wasn't strong enough racks through his brain again, but strangely, it bolsters Marco's courage. This is important.]
Is it asking too much?
I told you how the stakes are so high. My brothers are involved in the stakes. Her crew, mine, the world's politics itself are part of it all. And I... just want to walk away. Fold out. The stakes are too high, I don't play like that.
[So then why bother? High rewards or not, it was too dangerous. And Marco was cautious.]
But I can't pretend to stay in the game with a hand this good if I don't at least try.
[Because his inaction could hurt her just as much as trying.]
I told Selphie too late to at least hold her own. I won't let any of my nakama crumple like paper without at least trying, eh?
[He looks up at the stars thinking hard. Robin is sharp, but there's so much they don't know or understand. About each other, people in general, it's complicated.]
It's not enough, but maybe if I could get that through to her...
[If he tried again, sat her down over coffee and after flying to explain in under no uncertain terms not to treat him like a mind reader. Like someone who knew what to do every time and therefore obviously purposely did things wrong and --]
[Maybe it's wishful thinking.]
[Maybe it's a lost cause.]
[He has a straight, he could try for a flush, but the other players are unknown and he usually always plays it safe.]
[But safe isn't good enough.]
[She and Ace kept saying to go all the way, but they didn't know. They didn't understand the stakes.]
[How Marco would always make sure that when they fall, he lands on the bottom to cushion it for her.]
[How sometimes just getting that close to someone, no matter how strong they are will hurt.]
[It always hurts.]
[And the stakes are so high.]
[Marco lightly bites a strand of Ikki's hair in his beak. Careful not to tug it, just quietly holding it, like he did to Thatch's sometimes when he started to braid it.]
I'm sorry.
[He wishes Ikki wasn't hurt. Inevitable or not, risks were awful. They never worked out well. He told Ace how risks always failed him. Garp punched him. And then Ace thought he was just more scared of asking Robin on a date than even of his Grandfather. It wasn't that at all. Asking her out on a date was easy. But it wasn't enough. He'd told Robin that too, but he still suspected she didn't understand.]
[No one ever understood.]
[Did Selphie? She said she wasn't strong enough to understand, so maybe not, but it wasn't a matter of strength. It just was.]
[Maybe some things couldn't be understood.]
[Marco quietly starts braiding a strand of Ikki's hair.]
[It's so foolish anyway. Why is he always so determined to keep playing this game? Hand after hand. It was well out of his comfort zone, but he couldn't check out either. His brothers were counting on him and he was the best at bluffing.]
[Maybe that's why it's so out of his comfort zone. Robin is someone who finds the truth. Lying isn't a defense against her. So how can he protect her? He doesn't even know how to protect her from himself -- and with his luck, the minute he tried to tell her, she'd probably think he meant physically not emotionally or mentally.]
[People are confusing.]
[You don't show them your bad sides, or they get burned. But how could he trust her not to get burned then?]
[Why bother why bother...]
[Sometimes he wished he was as reckless as Ace. Able to run off to hunt Blackbeard because someone had to. Able to risk everything for the sake of emotions.]
I want to try.
To show my brothers it's okay.
[That they can all be free here. That nothing can hold them back, hold them down. That even though things were bad for Ikki with Selphie, no one has to give up.]
But there's another piece I can't see. It's not that I want a guarantee that everything will work out. [He's already sure it won't, but he'll make it fun for her as long as he can.] But how do I tell her how and when to put me in my place? Should I? Is there something else I should say instead?
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The island makes it worse. Not just his mind, his own body rejects this place. He has never felt so tense, every muscle in his being is at the edge of snapping, ready to explode, ready to start a chain of destruction even if he chose to not use his Cosmo. And it hurts, it hurts to be so tense, mentally and physically, it drives him up the wall even more than he is already and there's nothing he can do about it.
He had thought he couldn't get even more tense than he was without his body just breaking due the tension.
Marco proves him wrong and while he listens in silence and with attention, he can feel his body tensing even more. He starts to boil, he wants to explode so much, he wants to destroy everything and everyone. His previous meeting with Selphie replays on his mind and he's just so close to snapping and going to find her and break her head. But he doesn't want to do that, he would die before that, because no matter what she's a crewmate and he will protect her. If he could go back to the past... Maybe he would do it, or at least stop himself from giving in. He shouldn't have. Marco had the best intentions, but he had been wrong, so wrong, not even sending him to talk with her first had helped on that day. And then even when he gave in again, even when he made himself feel like a whore or a puppet for doing so... She had gone off to chase after Aya and then...
He shakes his head, chasing away the thoughts. There's no point to think about that. It only makes him boil more, it only makes him hate her more. Part of him wants to tell Marco to give up on that woman, to ignore it and move on. Phoenixes don't do well with other people, they always get burned and destroyed. No one is strong enough, no one can understand, not even with two phoenixes trying to explain it. There's nothing Marco can do that will keep her from getting hurt, from getting him hurt and to hate himself. And when everything is over, when all there's left are just ashes, he won't even have good memories to refuge in, because there won't be any "good times". There weren't with Selphie, the "good times" they had were before he gave in. And even they were too few.
He doesn't want Marco to be hurt, he doesn't want Marco to hurt someone else. He doesn't want Marco to hate himself more than he does.
He really doesn't get why Marco insists on playing. It wasn't just that there were high risks, there was just no gain, even if he managed to somehow avoid all the risks, what would come from it? Even if it managed to work out between him and that woman... What would that mean? What would that change? It would only last for as long as they are in this world, and if they never get to return... She will eventually wither and die. What will be of Marco then? What will be of Marco when the last of his brothers die even back in his world? When so much time has passed that the name of "Whitebeard" won't be more than just a legend? A story told to scare the childrens or to inspire them depending on who tells it?
Why insist on being close to people when he knows that at the end even if he wins all the hands in the game, all that there is is him sitting alone in a table, playing by himself?
And at the same time another part wants to tell him to give it a try, say that it's fine, that just because it didn't work for him it doesn't mean anything. That maybe Marco's woman will be different, will be better than Selphie. To go and tell that woman exactly what he's telling him, to ask her to put him in place if she feels he's being too much, to hand her a fire extinguisher to use before she gets burned so it can work out for a while and leave without wounds once it's over. But it's the same part that told him that it was fine to give in to Selphie, to give her a chance. And it had been wrong.]
I don't...
[His voice is strangled, he struggles to get it out because it's too much. He doesn't want to talk, he wants to scream, yell in agony, anger and hate, make the whole island be swallowed in a tornado of fire. But he can't do that and he has to speak, Marco waits for an answer, for something. So he battles himself to get the words across.]
I don't think that's asking for too much. You know you can hurt her so you want to try to make it better, so that it never happens or that if it happens she will be somehow protected. So it won't be that bad.
I don't think that's strange or weird to ask her to do that. To not crumble and cry if it gets bad but to fight back before she wants to do that. No matter how strong or confident she feels, I think she should be able to do that if she's really interested. If she really wants to play this game.
[Assuming that she really wants to, that she's not fooling herself and creating this mental image of Marco that she expects he will adhere to. That she can see what she's getting into instead of thinking that this is like one of those romantic novels, that behind that exterior there's something else, that the warnings are just a way to act tough and hide the truth. That she can go and reach for the fire and that it will be just a painting that she can rip to get inside.]
But I don't get it.
Why do you insist on playing this game. No matter how good your hand is, or how well you think you can bluff your way through... The stakes are too high, the risks are too many and all for what? There's nothing to gain. You won't get anything no matter how long you stay on it, or how many rounds you win.
I don't get it.
You can say that being with people makes it better all you want, you can repeat what your father said all you want. You can go around claiming as brothers anyone you want, you could go and make every living being in the world your family and it wouldn't change the fact that we'll gain nothing for playing this shit. At the end of it, everyone gets hurt, everyone is burned by our flames or gets swallowed up whole by the world.
At the end of it all, even if you win all the hands, even if it works out with that woman, even if your brothers can be free and have full happiness here... At the end, it will still be just you. Everyone will leave. Even if you go and grab new people, even if you drag them to play the game with you, sooner or later it's just you sitting alone in that table playing by yourself. And you will have nothing to prove that there was ever someone there playing with you. So why do you insist? Why did you say that it was okay?
I want you to try, but I can't believe that it will ever be fine or okay. It's not okay, it's never okay. And I can't see why it's worth it. We're going to end all alone and there's nothing we can do to change it, so why bother with people? Do you really think that you can make it so that you won't end empty and hurting inside when it's all over?
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